Mighty Morgan

I lived in the cesspool of active addiction for over 12 years
of my life. In the past two years I have redefined and
recreated every aspect of myself in order to never return
to that life.

After playing by the so called "rules" I lost the life I had
worked so hard to regain.

In the bitter grips of desperation I made a decision to
change my life. I choose to challenge myself as well as the
universe at large with my question....


"Is it possible to transform ones life in the course of thirty

days in such a way that can only be described as a miracle?"


"Is anything truly possible?"


Answers that can only be discovered from within the depths
of oneself...

I became willing to challenge every belief I learned throughout
my life that has created the limited life of my existence.

In the end was only the beginning and I discovered that
anything was and is possible once I had decided it was.....

-The First Experiment-

The Experiment
Day One..My Hopes
Day Two...The Process of Acceptance
Day Three.... Letting go of the Luggage
Day Four... Spiritual Detox
Day Five..... Spiritual Vitamins
Day Six.. Another Look
Day Seven... Awakening
Day Eight... The Journey Forward
Day Nine.... Putting the pieces together
Day Ten....Finding My Way.
Day 11... Getting Ahead
Day 12 & 13 …….. Filling the empty spaces.
Day 14....... Never Alone
Day 15..... Halfway Where?
Hi My Name is Morgan and I'm a Schmoozer
Day 17... Stepping through the door.
Day 18... Eyes Wide Open
Day 19 & 20.....Home
Day 21.....
Day 22...... Spiritual Nourishment
Day 23....... Nothing but Silence.
Day 24..... Higher Power or Lower Power
Day 25......Looking Ahead.
Day 26...The Bigger Picture
Day 27.....Believing Again
Day 28...Finding the Beat.
Day 29 ... Cycles
Day 30 ... New Shoes

The Next Steps....................

Day 26 ... If it looks like a Jew and it talks like a jew

No this is not some vicious antisemitic posting.

Wednesday until today at sundown is the Jewish holiday Rosh Hashanah. Basically it is the Jewish New Year.

I like to call it Jew Year's Eve - and in my mind's eye I have visions of Jackie Mason hosting the Rocking Jew Year's Eve special (early bird at 4:30 of course) where we count down from ten to see the matzoh ball drop!

I have stated in my "about me" intro that I am a DANCER.
Another thing that defines me deeply is the fact that I am a Jew.
However, I fought it for a long time.
The thing about Judaism is that it is both a religion and an ethnicity.
People ask,

"How can that be?"

Well, Jews believe that we are part of a bloodline. Though we did not have land to call or own, and have been historically kicked out of nations, or worse...
The bloodline is why Jews don't believe in conversion. Converts are accepted, but Jews don't go out and do Join the Temple drives.

No crusades or Jihads for us.

I have two opposing opinions about that.

1. it is wonderful to know that your religion historically has not forced people to accept its ways
2. we are an elitist snobby religion

I stopped believing in the religious aspects of Judaism a long time ago. Though I believe in a spiritual being, I don't necessarily buy into the whole monotheistic judgement doom and gloom lord as spoken of by most of the western world.

I tried the whole devout Jew thing......

I took Hebrew in college and fell for one Mr. Adam Katz - a reform Jew at birth who became orthodox. Very hard. Do you know that if you are orthodox, you are not supposed to TOUCH till you are married.

Which is probably why they f*ck like rabbits and have all of those kids.

We had a few dinners, and I spent few Sabbaths with his family. He actually kissed me twice.

No tongue
But I was a total size 4 hottie back then as i barely ate carbs, danced 6 hours a day and ran for an additional 45 minutes per day.
He couldn't resist

It felt like a dirty little secret
who doesn't like a dirty little secret!

But I soon realized that I was not meant to be part of the orthodox life when I found myself at a college bar, dancing on top of the bar, in a less than orthodox approved outfit....
I realized I would never quite fit in.

I always observe the holidays. I love spending time with my family. As dysfunctional as they are, I do enjoy their company.
I think what I have discovered is a total case of how when younger, the world remains black and white. As our age increases, so does our understanding of the concept of "gray"....

I am not an orthodox Jew
I don't wear long skirts
I will not keep a kosher home

BUT

I will raise my kids with the religion
I love to celebrate the holidays with my family
I am KEENLY aware of cultural practices, mores, traditions that I take part of that are extremely "Jewish"

I am so happy to be at peace with that, and do not feel like a hypocrite, like I may have before.

I am a Jew!

Mazel Tov!

Hope and Love,
Soul Dancer

Day 27 ... Atoning

Today I am fasting.
We are in the midst of another Jewish holiday. On this holiday we atone for our sins.....a whole year of sins compacted into one day.
A list of sins:
1. I wanted a married man. I didn't go through with it, but I would have.
2. Illegal substances have entered my body.
3. I am guilty of manipulation.
4. I am guilty of lying.
5. I watch porn(questioning whether or not that is a sin)
6. I am materialistic
7. I am gluttonous
8. I can be jealous of people
9. I am guilty of screaming at myself, hating myself, defeating myself.
10. I am guilty of managing anger poorly.

I can say that these sins have been the same for many years. I am a work in progress as always. I love when Linda (sister-in-law) says, "tale as old as time".
It is so true. If I could remove ONE of these per year, I would be happy. I know people may think #1 is the worst.
But I disagree.
It is #9.........good ol' self hatred, that is the worst. It is the indirect cause of #1, among other numbers.

You know that mantra, "God grant me the serenity......." becomes more and more relevant. I am happy that I am aware of them.
I am trying to arrest their development.
I am trying to make them minor characters, rather than the leads.
Let's say they should be Dr McSteamy to my better half McDreamy.
I am trying.
Old habits die hard
Married men don't get unsexy.
Coach bags remain pretty.

I was putting on makeup this morning at my parents' house. I was overwhelmed with thoughts. I immediately began to scream at myself. Inside out. Echoing. Ugly thoughts. Uglier words. I tried to stop and I couldn't. I went to the big dogs.
I walked into my mommy's room. She calmed me. She told me I was beautiful. Maybe I am not. But I needed anything, something to stop the negativity that was coursing through my body like electricity.
Bose stereo in surround sound blasting.
A high def LCD screen where I look like Moby Dick.
I have spent many times throughout my journey talking about this.
I have worked, and continue to work on attempting to control these moments.
I have been so pleased with myself because until today, I have been really successful at calming myself.
I realize the battle isn't over.
I will rage against myself.
I will stare back in horror at myself many more times in my life.
And my mommy won't always be able to make me feel pretty again.
I just want it to stop.
Sephora doesn't sell that product.
I can't purchase it online.
It is free.
But I am the only salesperson.
Sometimes the product is out of stock.
Not sold on eBay.

OK - but I feel better. I will focus on that. I will focus on the fact that in less than two hours I will be in the presence of two men who make me smile more than anyone.
Thomas and Kyle - my nephews. Kyle has renamed me "adida" - his ADORABLE attempt to say Aunt Dana. Have you ever smiled inside out upside down around the world and backwards? That is what they do to me.

I am going to continue to
atone
reflect
love
forgive
forever
It doesn't end.
I find
New ways to fuck up
New ways to amend.
New ways to forgive.
New ways to move on.
Ways to live, love, learn.

Hope and love,
Soul Dancer
http://themiracleprocess.blogspot.com/2007/09/day-27atoning.html

Day 25 ...When in Doubt RANT

I HATE today. PMSisjustttheworstmostannoyingirrationalthingwehavetodealwitheveryfuckingmonthourwordsandthoughtsturninwardsothatallweseearetheugliestpartsofourselves


And nothing makes sense

Do I notice my
dainty ankles
or button nose
or shapely calves
I see deep love handles,
a mommybelly with nothing inside,
and NASTY thighs
I am not going to sit here an talk about PMS
we get it
it sucks
i hate myself for a few days and then I move on.

So.....as I sit here and rage I thought I would share with you a few of my favorite key phrases........I hope that you can comment and send me some of your faves.....

Every cloud has a silver lining - this phrase is a particularly annoying one - because clouds are beautiful in their "endlessness" - when riding in the plane, have you ever looked out the window to see the edge of a cloud? Oh look.....there are those silver lined clouds! SO much better than the amorphous never ending sky that draws shapes for our individual pairs of eyes to discover. Why don't we limit the ocean or the the sunset too with silver lining. The world will be a much better place! While we're at it, who needs an ENDLESS universe filled with possibilities. i much prefer finite spaces.

Believe you me - ok we are a nation that in general tends to follow the "AMERICA FIRST"philosophy. Then why do we adopt romance language grammar/syntax for this one phrase. Now, the thing is, it may be only a phrase used by Yentas in Long Island, but it is usually said in a stern tone of voice and is extremely annoying when you add the Long Island accent and loose index finger point. Try it in the mirror - you will literally ANNOY yourself!

When is saying to you that they want to change their ways...........and say they will do a Total 360..............no explanation needed

Indian Giver...this is WRONG on so many levels. What did American Indians EVER give to Europeans and take back. Personally, and I am not kidding, I am working diligently every day to flip the script and coin the phrase Colonist Giver. It just makes more sense and is way more historically accurate. The Dutch(I think it was the Dutch, sorry Mr Hettrich- 12th grade AP American History teacher) purchased Manhattan for a few trinkets!!!

I hate to say I told you so.............PUHHHHHHHLEASE. When someone says that I have to hold back the IMMEDIATE involuntary middle finger flip off. You don't hate to say it. And it has most likely already been said by the self-satisfied shit-eating grin that is on your face. UUGGHH!

WOW this is a much better use of PMS! Turning outward and raging against stupidity is way more enjoyable than staring at myself in a mirror and nitpicking!

Please comment and let me know what phrases cause your blood pressure to rise.........Believe You Me, it is worth the time!

Hope and Love,
Soul Dancer

Day 24 ... At Least the Burgers Were Good

I'm back -in DC.

Back from 5 weeks in row of traveling.

Today was the unveiling.
This woman.
My grandma.
I miss her.
Her great grandchildren miss her.


I shared my eulogy that I read at her memorial with you yesterday.
Today...I saw her memory disrespected. I saw my mother crushed.
I witnessed the opening scene of a Woody Allen movie. I can't take
credit for that comparison......It was Linda (see Post 22).

Read more of this post....

Day 23 ...In Loving Memory

I am in New York this weekend(again) for my grandma's unveiling ceremony. An unveiling is a ceremony that dedicates a grave monument erected for someone who passed away twelves months earlier.

Today's post is the speech I gave at her memorial service, with some minor changes for anonymity's sake.

I was asked to speak about my grandma today.......


I would first like to share a few memories.............


My cousin and I playing in the bathtub with very sophisticated toys - a whisk and a spatula!


Laying in bed with her for hours chatting about movies we liked while she was scratching my back or "doing my feet". On a side note to that I also remember how my Uncle would always get in trouble by my Aunt for getting a foot rub during the holidays. Somehow he was successful in sneaking it in!


I can’t sugarcoat things completely though. She had her faults, and I know this because as I get older I realize I share a lot of them. I, like grandma am very opinionated and feel I have the right to open my mouth whenever I want! It certainly caused us to bicker, and those are the arguments I wish I could have with her for a few more years.


But I also remember her fierce generosity! Sometimes it could be a bit scary as she would LITERALLY offer you the shirt off her back, in public, and she wouldn’t be wearing anything underneath.

But it also came in amazing forms, like effortlessly helping her grandchildren when they needed it! And providing a place to stay or a vacation home to escape to whenever we wanted.

I think all of her 7 grandchildren have very unique and amazing memories! One cousin absolutely loved her meatballs.....well not really!!!
My brother and I were constantly putting on shows for her! A favorite was our rendition of Mr. Roboto.
Priceless!

One cousin lived with her during her early twenties!

My oldest brother and my grandparents were known for their political debates.

And recently with her great grandchildren...well they loved her dearly.

Every single holiday in both my mom’s and Aunt's house consisted of two tables the adult table and the kiddie table, and Grandma could care less about the adults. She loved to be near her great grandchildren and hear their cries of Gigi.

I wish my nephews would have been able to experience her more. I am sure they are missing out and we will have to share the stories.......I think grandma got energy from all of us and that is why she loved being around the "kids".

On a lighter note, and it wouldn’t be a proper eulogy without it, it is going to be a much milder, less stressful year for waitresses this snowbird season in the Boynton, Boca and Delray beach area restaurants.

I am sure her children, my mom and Uncle could share a dozen anecdotes about her, but I think the outspoken nature skipped a generation and you are stuck with me...........but there are a million stories mom has told me that have made me giggle and I will ask her to repeat them often!


Surrounding grandma her whole life as we know was the love of her life, my grandpa. They were married 66 years;it is amazing to think of that. It is more than twice my life so far. And we will never forget the sweet quiet way in which my grandma used to call his name! Their success in marriage is a lesson for us all.

I love you grandma. Thank you for being the matriarch of this family.



Hope and Love,
Soul Dancer

Day 22 ... The Disney Room

I have been having some trouble breathing. Every once in a
while I get this sharp pain in the middle of my back when I
inhale. It has happened to me for years, but of late it has
happened more frequently.

Finding a doctor in Washington DC who practices internal
medicine, and is WILLING to take on new patients is like
finding the literal needle in the haystack.

Yesterday, after MANY phone calls to rude receptionists who
practically hang up but instead bark back that they are at capacity,
I found a doctor RIGHT around the corner from my office. And they
had an opening today for 3:30.

I awoke this morning in MAJOR pain. Not any of this pain was
with my breathing, or lungs (which was my diagnosis - convinced
of lung cancer as I was a smoker of 15 years........WAS). I felt
as if a chef at Benihana had come into my studio apt and sliced
and diced every one of my ab muscles, as well as my lower back
muscles.

WHY?
I went to the gym yesterday.
TWICE.

I stated on Monday that my mother agreed to pay for a trainer.

She lied. Well.............I am exaggerating

The gym I go to charges $70 an hour.....IF you pay for 36 sessions
in advance. Rightfully so, my mom quickly reneged the offer!

But like a good little Jew, I did manage to squeeze a Target trip
for gym clothes, as well as a Sports Authority trip for those new CEMENT bras.....one DOESN'T want to sag....

Read More of this post...

Day 21 ...ENoUGH with the S-E-X

That is what my sister-in-law told me.

Perfect thing for her to say because it will allow for two things.

1 - to talk about her

2 - to demonstrate to me that there indeed is some internal
improvement going on here

Linda has been married to my brother for almost 11 years.

If they get divorced she officially gets custody of me. She is
more than my sister-in-law. She is my sister. I have fallen in
love with her family. Linda often says,

"Everyone is trying to get out, and you keep pushing your way in!"

We weren't always so close. She is a WASP - it took her a
while to warm up. Us Jews melted the ice in her veins. She is
not quite warm and fuzzy, but we do have her ON FILM talking
to her son with a baby voice.

You can't imagine two more people so different and yet so alike.

Read more of this Post......

Day 20... The Precipice

I love sex.

And I have written about it a lot.

Here's the thing

I have had opportunities of late.
They always seem to just miss.
Just seem to not happen.
There are no coincidences.

I think...I hate to say it, that I want sex to MEAN SOMETHING
*(vomit). Oh god...I am one of those now. Don't get me wrong
I want all of those things I described in Day 11. I just want them
with someone I care about

Until then...batteries and porn it is.
So sad.

But it is a milestone. And one I am proud of. It will involve
cutting some men out of my life. Men to whom I am a sexual
object.

Believe me, I allowed it.
I loved it.
I craved to be looked at that way...you know the drill.
"Beautiful girls want to be called smart.
Smart girls want to feel beautiful."
I am a smart girl......you do the math.

I can say that there are a few men who randomly call or email
and I allow this sexual banter to exist. Lately it hasn't really
held up to scrutinizing. I haven't enjoyed it, more continued it
based on habit alone.

I am not against purely physical relationships. I had an extended
one with a SEXY Puerto Rican for over 10 years.

We were friends.
We were lovers.
But that was truly unique.
He was a special person.
I would gladly break the rules for him.

SO here I am at this strange crossroads.
Craving human contact, but at the same time redefining what
I see as a positive experience.

standing over a cliff

on the edge

of change

does it mean I am negating past behavior

denouncing what was once fulfilling

as barren and base

it doesn't mean that

I won't let it

the stoves we touch

the burns we get

scars of regret

or badges of honor

maybe both

I see the past behind me

high mountainous peaks

low fertile valleys

tidal waves of love

passion

crashing

into

over

above

beyond

within

my body

coursing through my veins

bursting through tear ducts

I cannot

will not

regret the men

who for means less than virtuous

I have allowed to enter my bed

enter me

I let it happen

I WANTED it to happen

I look ahead

over that new precipice

I see the same

high mountainous peaks
low fertile valleys
tidal waves of love
passion
crashing
into
over
above
beyond
within
my body
coursing through my veins
bursting through tear ducts

of a different ilk

a passion of the heart

of my mind

as powerful

as strong

as pleasurable

Mount Everest

Napa Valley

Caribbean water

I stand over this cliff

I smile

I fear

with all the experience of the past

to guide me on this new road

I stand over

there is nothing

but the world

for me to see

through these new eyes

Hope and Love,

Soul Dancer

Day 19... Old Habits Die Hard

Midway Inventory.

I have learned some things............
I have fixed a few of them
I am working on others
Failing at a few

Overall in a better place than where I first started.

I am writing this in the guest room of my parents' house in
Long Island. Overall, the weekend has been amazing. Lots of
nephew time, lots of of family time, and great food. FYI no sex.
I think I will need to address this in another post!

AAAAHHHH the food. Pushing a size 14 amongst an immediate
family which includes the following:

- A brother who works out 3 separate times a day, be it karate,
tennis, weights, or other cardio, and who follows the Okinawan
way of life (shudders when you call it a diet)......he is less than
5 % body fat
- A sister in law who is a size 4 - looks great and seems to like
the same food as me, however CONTROLS herself and exercises!
- A friend who has absolutely become a thin yet vivacious
bombshell
- The piece de resistance - a mom who is a size 2 petite with
curves

Great right!

Read More of this post.......

Day 18... MEOWWWWWw

One of the best ways to create the life you want is to
surround yourself by people who inspire you to do just that.

I need to discuss my model of a working AMAZING relationship.
But first let's set the mood.

DC - 2005. Townhouse Tavern.
I am in the bar sitting next to Adam, the HOTTIE from Canada
studying clinical psych at Howard. He was an ex college football
player, 6'5 Scottish and Greek GOD of a man. However, to quote
Dodgeball , and possibly to quote it incorrectly, he was either
"Possibly gay or awkwardly Canadian".

I could never quite figure it out.........

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