Wednesday, July 25, 2007

Day 25......Looking Ahead.

Last April I was living in a woman's sober home......

I had moved into it the previous October after leaving rehab.
I remember feeling so scared at the time.
I had heard such horror stories of places like these and I still couldn't believe that I had allowed my life to fall into such shambles that the reality of my life was the.......

Welfare system.
Living in a house with 10 other women.
Sharing a small bedroom with another women.
A 10pm curfew.
Weekly Urine tests.
Restricted freedom.
Nightly Chores.
Outpatient 6 days a week.
Court appearances every few months.

But I also had absolutely no responsibility except to begin the process of healing.

When I first moved in I had no idea of where my life was going. I had no clue how to hold a job, pay bills, save money. The normal little things people do everyday were simply not part of the life I lived in active addiction.

I was so fortunate to find some amazing women in that house. Who loved and adored me as much as I grew to love them. I don't believe I have ever laughed as much as I did in the time I lived there.

Sometimes we peed ourselves laughing.....a healing medicine for the spirit.

I have been thinking about them a lot lately and what happened to them.

What few of us were left last April were told that the house would close in the next 30 days. There just was not enough women in recovery to keep the house open.

I remember feeling so angry that we were going to lose our housing.

Where were we going to go?
What would happen to the few of us that were left?

When I moved in I had decided that no matter what I would follow the suggestions of my counselors and people who had a better idea of how to live life. My plan was simple; live out my time in the sober house, accumulate some clean time, build a foundation to stand on and slowly re-introduce myself back into the world.

The house closing really messed up that plan.

But as the expression goes.........

"We make plans and God laughs"

Within three months of leaving that house I got off welfare, saved my money and on July 25, 2007 moved into my first apartment.

All on the salary of a Bagel girl which was $9.00 an hour.

The first night in my apartment I thought back to the first day I had moved into the Sober home. Frightened and full of uncertainty I had no ability to conceive that 10 months later I would be on my own.

Clean (Drug Free)
Paying Bills.
Saving Money.
Being Responsible.

One year to the date I moved in.....that apartment is now gone.

In the process of wading through the swamp of my past and the emotional detox that accompanied it, I am now in a different place. A sense of freedom has surfaced within me that wasn't available when I began this experiment 25 days ago.

The fear has released it's grip.
The frustration has un-knoted itself.
The anger has subsided.

Space has been made for hope to fill.
Hope spark the flames of faith.

When I began this experiment I wrote about my desire to live a life based upon the dreams I hold within me. As each day has passed I have begun to really understand that now my dreams have a chance to be a reality. But haven't explained exactly what it is that I want my life to be.

A few days ago I wrote a post about the fear I felt consumed with and Franco from Mind Body Spirit and Fluttering Thoughts pointed out to me that now was the time to begin to look forward. I'm so grateful for his gentle insight that nudged me to begin to turn from the past and begin the journey of looking forward. To experience the freedom I have gained and embrace the uncertainty that life presents in the unlimited potential of now!

So here is where I take another step forward and begin to really be clear in what I want to experience in my life....I'm actually a bit scared to write it but as Sibba from Seeing is Believing....suggested to me the other day..

Feel the fear and do it anyway.

So I now unleashed yet again my intentions out to the universe at large.......

I want to write for a living and get paid to do so.
I want to continue to build upon my website and make money with it...since everything is free right now.
I want to help people.
I want to see the sand and stone history of the Great Pyramids of Egypt.
I want to see the cracks of the paint as I stare up at the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel.
I want to gaze at the stars dancing in the darkness from all the many forests of the world.
I want to feel the Sun on my skin from every beach that meets the oceans.
I want to travel through every country in the world and discover all that I have never known.
I want to stand beneath a waterfall and feel the cool water cascade against my skin.
I want to have my own little place in the world with beautiful garden filled with a rainbow of flowers.
I want to fall in love with someone who adores me as much as I adore them.

I want my life to be a physical manifestation of Love, Laughter, Blue Skies and Sunshine....

Until Tomorrow,
Mighty Morgan


Bobby Revell said...

Wow Morgan, I went through a similar deal. I had to take 3 urine tests a week but not anymore. I wish you well:)

Mighty Morgan said...

Yeah no more urine tests for me learn to love your privacy after supervised urines for year :)

Wonder Woman said...

Looking ahead has a way of reminding me that I'm free to fulfill my dreams. When I feel trapped in a moment, an idea, a train of thought... I remember my dreams and move on. Thank you for sharing yours!

Margaret Dyer said...

I hope you get to the Sistene Chapel. I hope you make a glorious garden.

Colin said...

Hi Morgan,
It sure is amazing to read and wish you every success.
Life's only limitations are those you set upon yourself, for as long as you strive hard enough anything is achievable.

Anonymous said...

Keep it up. I live every day with addiction but have concered drugs and alcohal for over 5 years now.

If wish you the best.

Sibbia said...

I love your list of goals, Morgan!!

I share a few of them. As always I'm here on the sidelines, cheering you on.

I know you can do exactly what you've laid out for us.

Look at how far you've come already!