Changing the reflection

Today is simply one of those days that pulls from the past, a moment in time of who I used to be. I often wonder if enough time will ever pass in which I feel completely and totally safe from the effects of the actions I displayed throughout my active addiction.

I know that the things I may have done while I was active are in no way shape or form a reflection of who I am today, but yet I am realistic enough to understand that things I have done…

I will always be judged by.

A piece of my past that has the capacity to allow someone to form an opinion of me based upon who I have been and not who I now am….it sucks.

But it’s mine, I can’t change what I did.
I can never erased the event.
I can never say I didn’t do it.

Because I did…and it’s mine.
But I changed….I know I have.

The way that I live on a daily basis is living proof of the power of change that is available for those who make a conscious decision to be more then the limits of who they have been. Whatever I have done, whatever I continue to do, will always have the capacity to be diminished by the actions of my active addiction.

So what can I do, how do I accept this and continue to move forward?

Step by step…fully and honestly.

I did what I did.
It harmed others.
It harmed me.

And it changed the course of my life onto this path of self-discovery I now travel. It has allowed me to not judge others so harshly for the wrongs they may commit, because I know that I do not wish to be condemned by my past, although at times I will

It keeps me on my toes and allows me to never forget the power I have within me to be a destructive force and also allows me the opportunity to choose to be more then the limits that some may wish to keep me in.

Because I know of the capacity to change the reflection of my past.

I often wonder if the day will ever come in which the reflection of who I used to be, will no longer have the power to taint my present day with the actions of my past. Will that freedom ever be something I will have or will this always be a part of my past that will always re-appear?

I want to believe that in this life I will one day have the opportunity to re-define this aspect of my life, like I have done with so many other areas; but am unsure how this can or will ever occur. I know that my willingness to be more that a low-down junkie has allowed me to discover the truth that I am more then that simple label….

And more then words could ever have the capacity to define fully.

If you enjoyed this post you may also enjoy the following……….

~The Process of Becoming
~The Spaces In-Between
~Love Falling
~Magic Shoes
~Simply Beautiful
~ It takes Courage

Everything you need to begin your job search

Are you ready to get a job but need some advice on how to start? SnagAJob.com, the largest website for hourly jobs, has everything you need to get your foot in the door. With features like job search advice, job descriptions of the most popular hourly jobs, and interview and resume tips, you’ve got a one-stop-shop for your job search. And with the easy-to-use ZIP code search tool, you can search for jobs in your area with the click of your mouse. Also, check out the community section called Off the Clock where you can vote in fun polls and enter contests to win prizes like gift cards. So start your job search off on the right foot with SnagAJob.com.

The Miracle

What began as a 30 day experiment I started last June 24, 2007, turned out to be the first steps onto a path that would lead me in changing my life in every possible way…for the better.

There are days much like today when I look around at the life I live and wonder how I ended up living the exact life I said I wanted to live.

Is it all just a coincidence?
Was it just the way that my life was to unfold anyway?
Or was it more.

I believe it was more then any of those things.

What began as a huge leap of faith across the canyon of my mind, transformed all the aspects of my life in every possible way allowing me to start believing in the magic of life once again. At the beginning of the experiment…

I was contemplating suicide.
I was jobless.
I had no money to feed myself.
I had no type of social life.
I had to leave my home within 30 days or less.
I felt powerless in the grand scheme of all things.

These things were nothing that I wanted my life to be, I wanted more; but I had no idea how to get out of the cycles of thinking and behaviors that kept me trapped within them. In the midst of all the outer chaos of my life at the time, something happened that made me start to fight for the last pieces of myself that told me life was more then the events and circumstances of the present moment.

It wasn’t anything spectacular.
There was no parting of the clouds above.

It was more of a gentle nudge from within that let me know that the equation for life that I had been desperately trying to live by, would never, ever, ever offer me the results I believed they would. I woke up one morning seeing my life for exactly what it was and decided that if my life was going to change…

It was all on me…I had to change in order for my life to change.

I can see now that everything that was happening and the way that it was happening was all occurring for one reason and one reason only. It was an opportunity for me to change the dynamics of my life; I had to take full responsibility for myself and for the way that my life would be from that moment on.

I had no understanding of what would happen as a result of me diving within myself to re-wire the way that I thought and felt, but I did know that if they way that I believed changed then eventually the way thay I experienced the world around me would change along with the new beliefs.

I traveled into my past, present and future to re-define the way that I felt about events, circumstances and situations. I had to, or I would never free myself from the external prison they had become. It seemed like each day or the experiment revealed something new to me and allowed me to re-examine aspects of my life that had wounded me spiritually; and to find a lesson of growth and gratitude for what had already occurred what was occurring and for what would occur.

As the way that I thought and felt about my life changed….everything around me began to change as well.

Throughout the journey there was a lot of things that came up.

Painful stuff.
Scary stuff.
Exhilarating stuff.
And just stuff.

There were moments I felt like giving up, finding another job, settling back in the limits of the life that I knew…but something wouldn’t let me. Throughout the experiment, even in the greatest moments of uncertainty, something within me kept nudging me forward, even when I felt I didn’t have the strength to take another step.

That something was hope.
That something was my inner spirit.
That something was me.

I have allowed who I was at the core of my being to be shoved, shaped and molded into someone I thought I should be, never for a moment realizing it was never who I was meant to be. I believe we all have those aspects of ourselves with us at all times. Some of us, like myself struggle with allowing this part of ourselves to shine forth, while there are others who willing embrace this aspect of themselves.

I never embraced who I was.
I didn’t know I could.

And then one day, it was time for me to be who I was…and I embraced the challenge head on.

At the beginning of the experiment I knew what I didn’t want from life…

I didn’t want to trade my time for a job that would never adequately be able to compensate me for the actual value of time.
I didn’t want to miss out on my family anymore.
I didn’t want my life to be nothing more then work, sleep, work, sleep.
I didn’t want struggle and sacrifice to taint another moment of my life.

I knew what I didn’t want, because it was all around me and I was miserable. So I had to start dreaming and thinking about what I did want. Initially to venture forth into what I did want was a challenge; allowing myself to begin thinking about what I did want presented me with the many roadblocks in my thinking that had kept me from wanting anything more for a long time.

I had to dream about what I wanted.
I had to think about what I wanted.
I had to understand anything I wanted was possible.

I couldn’t allow myself to get caught up in the obvious distraction of “how” I would begin to experience and receive the life I wanted, I had to just see it as if it I was already having and living the life that I wanted. The “how” of the equation would only serve to lead me back to the limited thinking that had produced the results of the live I had already lived.

I wanted to live in my own home.
i wanted a beautiful garden filled with a rainbow of flowers.
I wanted to fall in love with someone who who loved me as much as I loved them.
I wanted to write for a living.
I wanted to help other people.

I just wanted to be happy.

It’s just a little over a year since the experiment began and this is the very life I am in living. Halfway through the experiment I made the decision to move back to Long island to stay with my parents for a little while….a month or two later I crossed paths with the man I am now madly in love with; and who loves me just as much.

I live with him in a beautiful home with my rainbow garden filled with flowers.
I help people like myself on a daily basis and let others know that the life I have is the life they can have if they choose to have it.
I have a wonderful network of friends and family that bursts the seams of my social calender.
I write for a living on my own website as well as several others and am in the process of finishing my first book.
I have not traded a moment of my time behind a desk working for someone else.
I have a beautiful magical life.
I am happy.

I started my experiment because I wanted to know if anything was truly possible and what I discovered on that journey was simply…the miracle of this life.

If you enjoyed this post you may also enjoy the following……….

~The Process of Becoming
~The Spaces In-Between
~Love Falling
~Magic Shoes
~Simply Beautiful
~ It takes Courage

Smoothie Recipes

In the summer a great way to cool down is with a cool and easy smoothie recipe. Smoothie Web is able to give you a years worth of recipes to try.

Some favorite smoothies are the strawberry smoothies.

Want to start your day off right, try some of the breakfast smoothies. They are packed with energy and good stuff.

Spiritual Wounds

I know better then anyone, the situations and events that have transpired in my life that have wounded me emotionally. I have put forth great effort in regards to making peace with my past that have continually followed me into each and every day.

Through my journey of self discovery, I have learned to be gentle with myself, gentle with others and to know that hope exists.

And that I can, have and will find freedom.

I developed many behaviors throughout my life in order to cope with particular events, that at the time I had no capacity to process or deal with. Methods of protecting myself from the lashes of life inflicted upon my inner spirit, that have have oozed out pain and hurt, infecting every area of my life.

At a very early age the innocence of my childhood was stolen through the actions of another and I found myself silenced by the burden and shame that the situation forced upon me. Through time I have permitted myself to release what never belonged to me in the first place; but still found that there was unfinished business.

The traumas of the spirit and heart live on long after the original situations have passed and for me, I have learned the importance of allowing myself the opportunity to go back to redefine the past.

To heal the parts of myself that never stopped reliving those moments.

There are layers of denial, justification and rationalization that moments of my past are encrusted within and as each day passes I find the strength and courage to break through these method of self deception in order to allow myself the freedom of self I deserve.

The freedom to say what has needed to be said for much too long.

I had the opportunity this past weekend to re-visit my past, allowing me the chance to set things right, to let go of hurts and to embrace who I have been fully and completely in order to release it and be more then limited aspects of my past.

Along the way I met, fear, uncertainty and insecurity; the voices that torture me with the constant chitter chatter in my mind that tells me I am not enough and will never be enough. I met my father and my abusive ex who spewed the venomous words that have crippled me for so long. I faced myself at the present moment in time, who I was at thirty and most importantly I met myself at age seven when my life changed course directly through the actions of another.

I did none of this alone and was guided and nudged gently along the way by love and support at my side, letting me know I would be alright, I was safe, no one could hurt me and I was free to say what had to be said.

I screamed.

I screamed for the voices to be quite.
I screamed for the voices to shut the fuck up.
I screamed for the little girl who no-one protected.
I screamed at those who should have protected me.

I cried.

I cried for the little girl left with the mess of another.
I cried for the woman I became.
I cried for the hurt that I have carried for so long.
I cried for the pain that has never been addressed.

I spoke.

I spoke to myself at seven, letting her know that she was safe, that no-one could hurt her anymore.
I spoke to myself at thirty, letting her know I was sorry for allowing her to become what she did.
I spoke to myself in the present moment and let her know it was okay to let all of this go, that we no longer had to carry it anymore.

I hugged.

I hugged myself at seven and told myself that I loved myself.
I hugged myself at thirty and let myself know I was okay.
I hugged myself in the present moment, releasing the past of it’s grip on me.

Resolution.
Healing.

When the scenario was complete and I came back to the present moment in time I was shocked to find myself in a peaceful state of mind, a state that tapped into the hope that had been pushed down so long allowing me to see a vision of my life free from these wounds that had been formed so long ago.

I found the freedom that was within me waiting for me to reclaim it.

———–

If you enjoyed this post you may also enjoy the following……….

~The Process of Becoming
~The Spaces In-Between
~Love Falling
~Magic Shoes
~Simply Beautiful
~ It takes Courage

When in Doubt

I have been clean and in the process of recovery for close to three years now. Who I am today resembles very little of who I was when I first made the decision to find a new way to live; yet there are the aspects of my emotional character formed during my active addiction, that still exist within me today as tendencies that have the capacity to flare up when faced with an emotional tidal wave.

My experience within the realm of personal recovery has allowed me a unique opportunity to discover who I am at the core of my being permitting me to realize that the choice of who I want to be at any given moment is solely my responsibility.

But still after all this time, I still become doubtful.

Fearful.
Uncertain.
Confused.

I understand that life in moments will present me with the opportunity to change and redefine the current circumstances that are before me, most often occurring in moments of doubt. When the unexpected gray storms of life bear down into my experience resulting in an explosive moment, in which I find myself fully and completely face to face with who I used to be.

Change is a process that is constantly occurring and my responsibility in it’s process is to decide which way I will change; For the better or for the worse.

There are times when I take steps forward and embrace the aspects of change that allow me to be a better person, but there are also time when I consciously decide to take several steps backwards; allowing the limitations of my past to reveal themselves in the present moment in time. But which still ultimately allow me to surrender another level of who I am and who I have been, so that I can again choose who I want to be.

There are many layers delicately weaved through the whole of who I am; some are courser, filled with tangles and knots, making them more of a challenge to unravel. But as each new experience, each new awareness, each new realization comes before me, I find myself strangely empowered and capable of surrendering a part of myself that has offered me nothing more then the same it always has.

I become more then I believed possible, releasing those tiny sparks of hope that were the very same flickers of light that led me to the process of recovery…

That led me to the path.
That led me to the journey.
That led me to the person I am.

That within every struggle, challenge, achievement, success or moment of doubt allows me to define who I want to be. From the darkness of the storms of life, I am able to choose from the rainbow of possibilities the person I am and the life I want to live.

Unique Sporting Goods

Wanna hear something awesome? I want to tell you about a cool street skating combination of board and skates. It is unlike any other skateboard or skating experience I’ve ever heard of. The Xlider provides an outstanding aerobic exercise for the rider. Due to the lateral movement made when riding, leg and abdominal muscles are strengthened and hips and waist regions are toned to the max. You can find it at this sporting goods store. They also make these cool lace locks.

Mental Sketches

I remember a time before the prominent ideas and beliefs that have shaped the life I have lived were not present.

Before any seeds of ideas would grow into my own.
Before any beliefs became firmly planted in my mind.
Before the limitations of others became the very experience of my life.

Somewhere in the span of time between then and now I find that the power I had within me as a child is something that has been pushed down into the deepest parts of my being, patiently waiting for the point in time when I would recognize this aspect of myself again.

When I would start embracing the power of believing again..

The many concepts that composed my beliefs became weakened from the weight of inconsistencies they had been built upon. This foundation of my life eventually crumbling into a million shards of half truths and lies allowing me the ultimate opportunity to free myself from the chaos and confusion that had grown into a self made prison

Into the deepest, darkest corners of my being I traveled to discover all I held to be true offered no validity in relation to life I was living. I became willing to fully and completely let go of the aspects of myself that had served only to keep me trapped in a life of limitations. I took accountability for the role I would play within my life, I took responsibility for the person I had been, was and….

I found the courage to be the woman I am today..

Read more of this post......

The process of becoming

Everyday I sit on a bench surrounded by this great big trimmed hedge in my mothers garden, sipping my coffee and slowly introducing myself to the new day. I love to sit and feel the Sun’s gentle morning kiss upon my face as the sweet, milky flavor of the coffee rolls on my tongue.

I take as much time as necessary allowing myself to fully absorb the beauty all around me as I search out every color of the rainbow in the garden….

The red that explodes on the petals of the impatients.
The orange tinge outlining the edges of the sunflowers.
The yellow of tall wild yarrow.
The green of the leaves that sway in the wind.
The blue of the bright morning sky.
The violet that peeks out of the lavender bushes that perfumes the air.

As of late, each new day presents another lost color, another wilted stem and the reality of winters fast approach, as mother nature begin preparing for her last dance of color in her magnificent display of the autumn season.

The bees that buzz around, fight over the last of the flowers that adorn that garden. Covered in pollen they covet this precious commodity, knowing full well this is the end of the supply till the next spring makes it’s grand entrance.

The Butterflies….they dance.

Flower to flower.
Tree to tree.
Leaf to leaf.

Wherever the next breeze guides them.

A vibrant display of the grand design of the universe, delicately painted upon their wings as they playfully, float and flutter in the wind. A carefree lesson of life is what I feel as I watch them waltzing through the air. Their fragile beauty, a potent source of strength for my inner spirit as I embrace the wonder and awe they present to me.

Their time as butterflies is short and the process that leads them to themselves is one of absolute transformation.

They don’t begin this life as the beautiful exquisite creatures they are…they begin as something else. A little spot on a leaf is how their life begins, from here they emerge as little worms: caterpillars munching away at the life source around them. They grow by shedding layers of skin, different layers of their existence, until at one point this skin, becomes the home for their next transformation.

Even today it is not know fully how a butterfly comes about. Housed within a shell of itself…..it completely liquefies, then slowly reorganizes itself, transforming into the delicate, dancing delight that floats about.

As of late I feel such a connection with these butterflies I see gliding before me. They show me, without words…the power of transformation. The power of releasing myself of what I was..the power of allowing myself and my beliefs to liquefy in the here and now…the power of permitting myself to become more then I can conceive.

Who I am, who I was and who I want to be are all part of the same.

Each contributes to the other, melting away and yielding as they they liquefying. No longer separate beliefs, ideas or experiences…but all parts of the whole of who I am.

The butterfly isn’t a new creature, it always is the same caterpillar it began this life with. It carries with it always, the parts of itself it has shed. All the pieces and every experience becomes the catalyst for it’s transformation. Without it’s past contributing to it’s future self…..it would be impossible for it to be what it is.

An expression of choice, freedom, awareness and total self-acceptance of every aspect of its being….

Dancing in the wind, it flutters gently around the very edge of my consciousness. It’s beauty a delicate reminder of who I really am. A way for me to recognize the truth of the opportunity I have in each moment to embrace all the aspect of myself in a silent surrender of healing to become the absolute and magnificent creatures I am.

If you liked this post...you may also enjoy....

~The Spaces In-Between
~Love Falling
~Magic Shoes
~The Bigger Picture

Quality you can trust

Just about anybody can offer up diamonds that you can put into an engagement ring, but only Danforth Diamond has diamonds that make truly beautiful engagement rings. With every shape and only the best cuts, the only thing you'll have to figure out when you shop with Danforth Diamond is whether to get your wedding rings the same day or to wait. Go ahead and check them out, see all of the combinations you can make, and pick out the ring that will make her say yes over and over again.