Monday, July 23, 2007

Day 24.....Higher Power or Lower Power

I never knew there was a difference between a higher power and a lower power. I just thought since I believed in something that was all there was to it.

But my life spoke volumes of what my belief systems were and were not.

I don't write much about what finally brought me to the end of my using. I still haven't fully come to grips with the actions I displayed at that time in my life

Don't know if I ever can.
But everything...

EVERYTHING


I do each and every day is a constant reminder of who I never want to be again.

The destruction.
The violation.
The hurt.
The violence I inflicted in people's lives.

The scars I lashed upon the spirits that will never heal in the lives of those who crossed my path....

One in particular...her name was Dolores.

How I hurt this woman was the single reason why I decided that I would never use again. Still today it leaves an emptiness in the pit of my stomach, I still beat myself up, still judge myself so harshly and don't know if I can ever forgive myself.

I will never in this lifetime be able to show her how wrong I was.
How sick I was at the time.
How the person she encountered was not who I really was.

She was the reason I got clean.
The daily reminder of who I did not want to be .

She died six months after I stopped using.

I found out about a month or so after she passed. My Mother had seen a relative at a Christening...she told my Mother of her passing.

She told my Mother how much Dolores Loved me.
How I destroyed her with my actions.
How I broke her heart.

and now she was dead.

While I was still active I though I believed in a Higher Power...
I choose to call it God because it just makes it easier.
It has nothing to do with any type of religion.

That never worked for me.

The abstract nature of religions did not account for the reality of my humanity.
The nature of my addiction.
The things I did.
The person I was.

A destructive force claiming I believed in the character of God. My actions showing my beliefs worked on a level that in no way, shape or form exemplified any of the characteristics of God.

Good
Orderly
Direction

I can take you to the streets and slums I ran through.
Show you the scams I pulled.
Show you the crimes I committed
Tell you the lies that oozed out of me each moment.
The knife I would stick in your back the moment you turned.

and then I could tell you about my higher power.

If these were the conditions of my life...what could I ever claim to know about a higher power

...except that it wasn't.

But I was driven by this missing piece for so long.
I had no idea.
Though I was forgotten about.

Discarded and thrown away...even by God.

But that wasn't the case...never was.
I just never thought to look at my beliefs in another way.

To understand the language of religion was something I didn't speak...nor did it speak to me and that it was okay.

Different Strokes for Different Folks.

The way I live today is so far removed from the shadows I lurked in two years ago. I know I am part of the solution. Who I am and the things I do on a daily basis speaks for itself about who I am and................

Who I am not.

Still two years later...it's still there.
It tries to disguise itself as fear.
A way to push my buttons to get me to react.
To drive my behavior once again.
To have me be part of the problem...

To be the problem.

I tend to freak out when it hits.
Squirm in it's grips.
Resist the lies it tells.

I Know that "This too shall Pass."

I know who I don't want to be.....

But it still lingers waiting for the moment to make its re-entrance into my life like an old long lost friend from far, far away.

Enticing me with it's sweet nothings and false hopes.
Torturing me with the uncomfortably.
Punishing me .

I don't give in.
I can't.
I won't.

It's not who I am anymore.

Until tomorrow,
Might Morgan

11 comments:

Wonder Woman said...

You are incredibly talented and the lessons you share touch my soul. Thank you for choosing to share this experiment, and thank you for being you! You are an inspiration.

Franco said...

Hi Morgan,

I've been reading and reading. Now it's time that I see in your blog for the remaining 7 more days of miracles, the outcomes you want to have for the future. Past is important and equally if not more important, is what lies ahead. Past is a learning. Now is to be in the moment. The future is hope and aspirations.

Give us insights of the Miracles to be.

Franco

Vixious said...

*hugs you*

I should warn you that I'm very fond of contemporary Christian music. Having said that, someone had this video posted on their blog a couple of days ago and your post reminded me of it. I thought I'd pass it along -
http://msp31wannabe.blogspot.com/2007/07/who-am-i-casting-crowns.html

Sometimes forgiving ourselves is much harder than forgiving others or just moving on. You can't undo the past - all you can do is not be that person again and use what you learned to make a difference in the future.

Mighty Morgan said...

Thank you Ms. Mighty Wonder Woman...the feeling is likewise. :)

Mighty Morgan said...

Franco You are so correct...sometimes I get caught up in the past I can't see that "Now" is flying by...

Mighty Morgan said...

Vixious...thank you..I knwo all this stuff..but yet it lingers to haunt me...maybe I need an exorcist! :)

Mighty Morgan said...

Thanks Sibba....Your right...but sometimes you gotta feel the fear to have the courqage to do it anyway...that what Im doing now...YIKES

Geoff said...

Morgan, admittedly I am one of your many fans. Every time I read one of your posts I come away somehow enriched. I've seen the cycle of addiction play out in my two older brothers and the pain, havoc and destruction it's brought to their lives, but you have a hope about you and that is what is so inspiring. I know I'm one of the many disjointed voices in the galaxy of blogs but for what it's worth, your spirit, your growth and perserverence is an incredible legacy for everyone. I know you're not a saint...but damnit maybe you should be. You're someone I would be proud to have as a friend. Keep the faith...whatever faith that might be. You're wonderufl.

Mighty Morgan said...

Thanks Geoff...admittedly I am one of your fans as well :: Works out good that way.

BillyWarhol said...

yeah typically the Higher Power could be whatever Drug was available* I saw Lindsay Lohan's mugshot today - i feel badly cuz i know she just wants to Party + people will be judging her left, right + center* The media should just leave her alone + the stoopid cops too*

;))

Peace*

a Witness of the truth said...

Regret is a demon. It only keeps you going in a circle never bringing about healing. Shame however is a great gift of God. Take that shame and repent (which you have with turning your life around and examining every aspect of it no matter how hard it is and refusing to do those things again)and let yourself be forgiven. Vanity is a nasty enemy as well. Whispering to us that we committed something so terrible that there is no forgiveness and no way to lift such weights from our souls. That is simply not true.
I don't know about Delores but if I knew for one second that I was the sole reason someone turned their life around and dug themselves up out of their hell, I'd be the happiest woman in Heaven and Earth. The blink of sorrow that she may have felt for what you did is nothing compared to the eternal joy she'll feel knowing that her life made a difference in yours.

I Peter 4:8 "And above all things have fervent charity among yourselves, for charity shall cover a multitude of sins."