Day 18...Eyes Wide Open

Life is weird.

In the midst of so much change there is a quiet tranquility emerging from a deeper understanding of the universe at large.

There are moments that come about in which little seeds of fear try to re-root and grow again.

But hope, faith and trust are excellent gardeners.

Still there are moments in which I still feel the driving urge to....

Do something.
Control something.
Force a solution.

Resistance wears many masks but I'm learning to allow the universe to show me the way past it's subtle disguises of good fortune.

It feels weird to not resist.

When I finally decided that I was going to move back to Long Island I got a call from the broker showing my apartment. The girl moving into the apartment wanted to make a deal. She offered me $200.00 if I could leave earlier because she needed to move earlier.

So I agreed.

I have often bent over backwards to make life easier for others not realizing I was making my life harder as well as uncomfortable.

The situation with this girl was one of those times.

I agreed because I honestly can use the money......at this point things are a bit tight and it would ease the financial tension that pops in to say hello more often then I would like.

I tend to go on what people tell me.
I have no reason to not trust or believe anything anyone tells me....

Until they give me a reason.

It started with the one phone call......

She told me she would stop by to give me the money.
She showed up with a contract instead.
I told her I wasn't going to sign anything and she would just have to trust me.
She wasn't thrilled about that.

I gave her the day I would move out and we agreed that I would get the money the same day.

She left me a message today and inquired slyly as to how the move was going. Sometime I laugh at how "unslick" people can be with there very obvious manipulation attempts to get information. I let her know that I would be out tomorrow as agreed.

Then she threw in that she could only to give me half the money and the rest later in the week.

I really wanted to react.
To do something to control the situation.
To force a solution.

Instead I gave myself a moment.......

Sometimes I just need to pray for the second between thoughts so I can respond and not react.

Because now I'm annoyed.

I changed all my plans to get out earlier thinking I was doing myself and her a favor.
Rushing around like a lunatic between Queens and Long Island.
Trying to get a million things done in the time slot of a few days.
Finding myself feeling frantic.
On and on and on my thoughts went.

It was the money that had me...

I get caught up in situations at times that I don't even realize that my energy is being sucked into a black hole. I was so focused on getting the money that I couldn't see past the very obvious truth that it wasn't worth it.

I was in the process of setting myself up.

Those lingering beliefs that still subtly chitter chatter in my mind silently driving my behavior.

I thought that I had to move because I said I would...
Since I said I would I would now have to.....
Feeling obligated because she was paying me...

Who makes up these rules that I run around like an idiot acting out?
Why does it take so long for me to see I'm not "feeling" the particular role I'm in?

I am in no way, shape or form obligated to anyone or anything except myself.

If a situation is causing me to feel uncomfortable it's most likely because it's not right for me.
It's not something that will serve me in feeling good about myself or others.
In fact I will eventually feel...

Annoyed.
Resentful
Angry.

I will point the finger and never look to see the three fingers pointing back at me.
(For those that don't get that...Just point your finger and look)

Everything begins and ends with me.

I let her know that if she couldn't pay me the money tomorrow then I couldn't guarantee that I could be out by the end of the month.

The game stops when one person stops playing.

I'm in no rush to move.
It's actually easier and less stressful to take my time.

Shit baby...it ain't my problem.

I don't want other peoples problems...I have enough of my own issues to sort out.

Initially I felt guilty.....I felt bad because I chose my sanity over hers.
Guilty because I chose what's right for me over making the situation comfortable for her.

I'm still learning how to be comfortable with other peoples uncomfortablility...
Slowly understanding it's all me.

No one has the power to make me feel or do anything.
It's all me.
I choose to feel.

I am not "feeling" this situation anymore.
I am not "feeling" how I have been stuck.
I am not "feeling" the fact that once again I willingly gave my power to something outside myself.

Sometimes I still beat myself up when I have to learn the same lesson....Again

and again
and again
and again.

Before I go Oooooooooooohhhhhhhh....Now I get it.

Now I get it...

I took my power back.
I took my energy back.
I took my choice back.

They belong to no one but me.


Until tomorrow,

Mighty Morgan