Tuesday, July 17, 2007

Day 19 & 20.....Home

I'm scared.

The past two days I have been back and forth between Queens and Long Island moving the last of my stuff. I walked around the empty apartment before I left; just taking a moment to really let it all set in that I was no longer going to be living there.

It was no longer my home.

I was voluntarily moving back to Crazy town.
I was going to be living with the Mayor of Crazy town who happens to be my Father.

I'm trying not to project or to set myself up but I know my Dad.

I know he's sick.
I know he doesn't mean to freak out.
I know he doesn't mean what he says.

His words are sharper then a knife......and cut you off right below the knees.

His verbal lashings have left there scars upon my spirit.

With just one of those blank, black-eyed hollow stares and I know that he's about to attack. I used to think he hated me; that I was such a fuck-up that there was no room in his heart to offer me any love.

I didn't know he was sick.
It was a secret.

There was so much I never knew about my Father because I grew up in a home of.....

"Pretend everything is normal."

No one ever told me he was crazy......I just though he was an incredibly mean son-of -a-bitch.

I only found out a few years ago what made my father the way he was. Doctors' have said that mental illness is just in our genes. But I know that it's more then that.

Life made my Father crazy.
Lack of love made my Father crazy.
Loss of hope made my Father crazy.
His Father's cruelty made him crazy.

I sometimes think of what his childhood was like. Growing up without a person in the world to show him love. My Grandfather would callously pass him on to anyone who would take him. Each new family letting him know he was not welcome. Reminding him daily that only reason he was staying with them is because my Grandfather had paid them.

I remember when my Father first read one of the Harry Potter books....he told us that was how he grew up.

But there was no Hogwart's that he could esacpe to.
No one to save him.
Nobody wanted him.
Nobody loved him.
There was no happy ending

Sometimes I wish I could just go back in time to find him.
To pull him out of the loveless world of his existence.
To hug the little boy he was.
To tell him I love him.
To tell him he mattered.

I used to hate my father and couldn't understand why he was the way he was. Now I find myself amazed at the fact that he gave me what he did.

Even knowing that he is ill and that he's going to freak out sooner or later. Doesn't make his words any less painful. He infects me with the burden of pain he's carried through his life.

He is toxic to me.

It's been two years since I've put myself in a place where I would have to deal with him on a daily basis. In the past few days I've treaded ever so lightly on the egg shells that his sanity is comprised of.....wondering if my next step will be the one that makes him crack.

I keep telling myself...this is temporary and I know it is.

I also know that everything happens for a reason.
I may not agree with the universe's timing for it's lessons of healing.
But I trust the process.

I know that there is such a long ways to go for me.
That this process is never ending.

As I heal from each aspect of the beliefs I have carried I discover there is more to be sorted through.

Each lesson leading me closer to who I want to be.
Freeing me from the person I've been.
Offering me the opportunity to be more then I could ever imagine.

Before I left my apartment I took a walk down to the beach.

One last Sun set before I go...........

I sat on a bench on the boardwalk watching in awe. The sky was ablaze; painted brushstokes of fiery pinks, oranges and reds swirling up through the last remnants of the day. The deep blues and purples of the evening seeping down with it's darkness disguised as twilight.

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath of the salty air one last time. Looked above to make one last wish on the first glimmer of a star in the night.

It was over.....

It was time to come home.

Until Tomorrow,
Mighty Morgan


Franco said...

Hi Morgan,

Remember that you've a friend here that will lend you support and helping hand. Although one whom you've not met, it doesn't means that a good true friend has to be one whom you met and know. There are many such fiends out there, I'm absolutely sure. Your heart is good and because of that you attract such friendship.

So just shout and we'll coming running to shower you with what you need.

You're like my baby sister!!


Andre du Plessis said...

A negative person will always bring your emotions down with them. Negative people brings others to their level. It is very difficult to bring a negative person to positive thought. It actually helps to rather than cuddle them, to go away from them and let them work it out for themselves. Because the will need to escape from their shell and only they will be able to make the decision. Their world shouldn't be centred on themselves and their history because it becomes a catch 22, but rather on future and positive things that can be done. Parents unfortunately do put their emotions on their children and you can not escape it.

MightyMorgan said...

Thanks Andre..but I know that i have a choice to choose negativity or choose to be more positive. No one can own my power of choice unless I voluteer...which I was a pro at for a very LONG time...but just for today I make an effort to just allow others their process....I don't know if I fully agree about not being able to escape my parents emotions..I know I was very wrapped up in them for a while but like most things in life when the pain gets great enough..change will occur. They are only human and they can only give me what they were given and what they know...it's up to me to make the choice to look further then there perceptions may not permit them too.

Andre du Plessis said...

Fantastic ! If you are able to do that you are very strong person. Very few are able to do that. It indicates you have a very mature spirit.