Outside in the deep darkness of the night I stood alone looking up at the silver moon gazing down from above. Listening to the crickets chirp back and forth in the stillness of the night.
Breathing in the hot, humid summer breeze and embracing the perfection all around me.
Turning to go back inside, with my first step I slip on a slug.
Flip flops and slugs do not get along.
Especially at 2 am in the morning.
My only reaction...gross.
My point in that...none.
I had to go back and read this from day one today.
Had to see how far I've actually come.
"I've come a long way baby"
This whole experiment sprouted from the seeds of desperation. My life had become yet another existence I floated through wondering what the purpose behind it all was.
I wanted to know if anything was possible.
Had to know if I could really change my life.
Knew that if I tried nothing I would have just killed myself.
My only option was to change the dynamics of my life.
Change every aspect of my being.
Dig into the deepest parts of who I was to root out the beliefs that had continuously led me to a place in which I felt no hope time and time again.
Desperation is at times a gift. Within it's framework it offers the motivation to do whatever is necessary to achieve a purpose.
I was desperate.
I had to know.
I knew that if I had to settle for a life behind a desk.
Working for someone else.
Trading my time and energy for a paycheck.
Wondering why things were the way they were?
Living for the day that would never come for me to live out my dreams.
Swallowing whole the belief spoon-fed to me from others that "this was life, now just accept it."
I wasn't interested.
I knew that if I gave my all to change my life and nothing changed that I was going to kill myself. That's the way this whole thing started anyway...naturally if I did my best and still ended up in the same place I felt that there was no point.
I can't live in this world with the beliefs I once held as my own.
If that is what my life would be limited to...I didn't want to participate.
Nothing changes if nothing changes.
But everything changes once you begin to change.
I've changed...and so has my world.
The cycles of life are so entwined within every moment.
The lessons they contain are always there.
The results of the process are evident in all that inspires me.
But the seeming struggle that had to occur was what was wrong with my perception. I didn't grasp the understanding of the process is what created the beauty. Was and is the very thing that sparked the hope to continuously push forward regardless of the hopelessness.
I see that now.
I see that it was always there with me.
The understanding, the knowledge.
I knew all of it already...
I knew each fall would be a dance of a thousand shades of red, orange, brown and green dancing against the brilliant blue of the September sky before fading into the gray of winter.
I knew that each spring the world would come alive in the fresh growth of a million different hues of green of which a rainbow of colors would sway upon in delight.
I just had forgotten that I too was part of the very same cycles. I had to experience the deep dark, loneliness of a cold winter to embrace the warm sun of the spring.
The contrasts of my life have allowed me to discover more then I could have ever known...without them there would have never been any reason for me to search out another truth.
Everything had to happen exactly the way it did in order for me to find myself.