Tuesday, July 31, 2007

Day 29 ... Cycles

Outside in the deep darkness of the night I stood alone looking up at the silver moon gazing down from above. Listening to the crickets chirp back and forth in the stillness of the night.
Breathing in the hot, humid summer breeze and embracing the perfection all around me.
Turning to go back inside, with my first step I slip on a slug.

Flip flops and slugs do not get along.
Especially at 2 am in the morning.

My only reaction...gross.
My point in that...none.

I had to go back and read this from day one today.
Had to see how far I've actually come.

"I've come a long way baby"

This whole experiment sprouted from the seeds of desperation. My life had become yet another existence I floated through wondering what the purpose behind it all was.

I wanted to know if anything was possible.
Had to know if I could really change my life.
Knew that if I tried nothing I would have just killed myself.

My only option was to change the dynamics of my life.
Change every aspect of my being.
Dig into the deepest parts of who I was to root out the beliefs that had continuously led me to a place in which I felt no hope time and time again.

Desperation is at times a gift. Within it's framework it offers the motivation to do whatever is necessary to achieve a purpose.

I was desperate.
I had to know.

I knew that if I had to settle for a life behind a desk.
Working for someone else.
Trading my time and energy for a paycheck.
Wondering why things were the way they were?
Living for the day that would never come for me to live out my dreams.

Swallowing whole the belief spoon-fed to me from others that "this was life, now just accept it."

I wasn't interested.

I knew that if I gave my all to change my life and nothing changed that I was going to kill myself. That's the way this whole thing started anyway...naturally if I did my best and still ended up in the same place I felt that there was no point.

I can't live in this world with the beliefs I once held as my own.
If that is what my life would be limited to...I didn't want to participate.

Nothing changes if nothing changes.
But everything changes once you begin to change.

I've changed...and so has my world.

The cycles of life are so entwined within every moment.
The lessons they contain are always there.
The results of the process are evident in all that inspires me.

But the seeming struggle that had to occur was what was wrong with my perception. I didn't grasp the understanding of the process is what created the beauty. Was and is the very thing that sparked the hope to continuously push forward regardless of the hopelessness.

I see that now.
I see that it was always there with me.
The understanding, the knowledge.

I knew all of it already...

I knew each fall would be a dance of a thousand shades of red, orange, brown and green dancing against the brilliant blue of the September sky before fading into the gray of winter.
I knew that each spring the world would come alive in the fresh growth of a million different hues of green of which a rainbow of colors would sway upon in delight.

I just had forgotten that I too was part of the very same cycles. I had to experience the deep dark, loneliness of a cold winter to embrace the warm sun of the spring.

The contrasts of my life have allowed me to discover more then I could have ever known...without them there would have never been any reason for me to search out another truth.

Everything had to happen exactly the way it did in order for me to find myself.

Until Tomorrow,
Mighty Morgan


lakedaemon said...

Wow, have been away for a bit and didn't realise that so much time has passed. Can't believe it has been almost 30 days now. It's great that you have come so far and that your world has changed for the better.

What has lurked at the back of my mind when I have read your blog is 'What next after 30 days?'. I am not saying that you have finished anything but do you intend to stay blogging? do you have another goal?

Bobby Revell said...

I love the last line. As miserable as the first 30 years of my life were and with all the nightmares I lived through, I am glad I went through it. Though sick it may sound, it gives me a inner tranquility that I occasionally experience now. When I started blogging, I wrote a lot of dark introspective poetry and personal views, etc. I miss doing that right now and I'll be adding more of that back in. My journey has been one of self-hatred, anger and sorrow. I got sick of it and decided I deserved happiness and wanted to let go of all my hate. I was successful and it almost killed me several times. I am here now and I am a completely different person in some ways. I am 41 years old and I just want to enjoy the little time I have left. It's not much. I hope you can stay on the path you're on and reach a point where you can be at peace with all your troubles. You write beautifully and I can feel your emotion come through. I know I didn't answer what you asked me the other day but right now, it just seems so insignificant to what I'm feeling right now. Be strong and I'll talk to you any time you need to:)

Ashwin said...

"Nothing changes if nothing changes.
But everything changes once you begin to change."

Inspirational stuff morgan, carry on.

El Gigante Verdoso said...

Hi, Morgan. All my best wishes are with you. If you need my help, just whistle :)

By the way, I've added this blog to my list:


Big hugs for you!

Vixious said...

*hugs you*
I don't have a lot to say today except that I love you, too. :) Oh, and you'll have to change your title soon. I think that makes you a complete and total miracle, Morgan, no more process. :)

Patricia Singleton said...

"No more process" is wrong. The process is just starting even though your 30 days is almost over. I hope that you continue to share your progress and writing with us. I am 56 and the process is still going on. I am an incest survivor, no drug abuse, I was too afraid of losing control to even try it. I was a control freak for many years, thinking if I could control my world then I would be safe. Control is such an illusion but it is the one that I bought into for a lot of years before I realized that I was so out of control with my rage, my fears and my eating. This is the first time in awhile that I have called myself a survivor. I don't use that title much any more because I have healed and grown to be so much more. I hope by sharing my words that I can give you hope that life does get better when you learn to love yourself. You are a valuable, lovable, loving being. Congratulations on how far you have come. Discovering who you are is a fantastic journey. That is what my blog is about, my discovery of who I am as a spiritual being. Have a glorious day.

Vixious said...

To clarify, I meant the process of Morgan becoming a miracle. Which was really terribly unfair of me, since I knew she was a miracle on Day 1 - she just had to figure it out for herself. :) And you know I mean that. *nods*

Mighty Morgan said...

Vixious...don't worry I knew what you meant..I just think patricia read into that the wrong way. I know there is never and end. That essentially what the post was expressing...there really is no end, no begining just the constant of change that just "is"

a Witness of the truth said...

"Everything had to happen exactly the way it did in order for me to find myself."

Very good! no regrets!

`Sherrell puts her cigarette in the ashtray, wipes the tears from her eyes, stands up and gives Morgan a standing ovation`

BillyWarhol said...

Yeah i was never a Fan of Workin' for da Man either!! To say the least*


I also hear ya on the "Whass the Point" of even tryin' - It's so much easier to take the $200 or even a $1000 bucks (that was meant fer Rent) + go Fuck it - I'm goin' Partyin' fer a coupla daze!!

of course then ya feel like shit fer daze + yer back behind the 8Ball - no pun intended!!


OK so yer at 29 Daze - just 1 more Day to go!!

Prolly a good thing we're in different Cities* I can be Trubble at the Best of Times* ;))

If U don't make it I'm gonna give U a Spankin' Girl!!

Cheers MightyM!! Billy ;)) xoxo