Monday, July 30, 2007

Day 28...Finding the Beat.

When I finally fell asleep yesterday it was for only a little while, but long enough for me to fall into the dreamy slumber of la-la land. I awoke a short time later a bit refreshed and perplexed about the dream I had just emerged from.

Dreams are often the missing pieces of the ideas I can’t grasp when awake.

I think I was in a subway terminal, similar to that of Grand Central station. Masses of people all traveling to their here's and there's and me caught in the middle unsure which was the right way to go. I would push through the people just trying to find my way to no avail.

The more I pushed…the more they pushed back.

It went on like this for what seemed like an eternity. Finally I stepped aside, leaned back on the tiled wall and stopped for a moment.

Stopped doing the very thing that was causing such resistance.
Stopped to take a look at the whole picture.

Stopped long enough to hear that behind the shuffling of feet, laughter, crying babies, loudspeaker announcements, whistles, coins in cans, shouting…there was something else.


They were all moving to a beat of their own . Like one big wave of the ocean descending down. Each person a drop of water in the fluid mass moving together as one.

They were “grooving” to the universal beat.

Every person moved a little different.
Danced to a song all their own.
Some bopped there heads.
Others hummed softly to themselves.

Then there were the ones whose voice flat out boomed across the station in an acappella harmony that sent shivers up my spine. No one danced to anyone else’s song; there was no need to, for everyone had their own.

I awoke shortly after with small remnants of the dream still lingering in my consciousness, but not enough to fully grasp any type of significance as it related to my life.

My baby Brother(who is no longer a baby) engagement party was today. For weeks my family has been running around preparing for the party being held at my parents house. Now with all the food done, flowers arranged, decorations adorned and favors set aside…all that was required was the guests to arrive.

But we were not the only ones having a party that day.
Behind us was a block party.
Diagonal from us was a block party.
My hometown has become quite the place for parties in the past few years.

This was the first of them in over 12 years where I was no longer the outsider.

The drug addict.
The fuck-up.
The one they whispered about thinking I would’t hear.

I was part of the party.

Family members that used to play polite with me surprised me with real conversations that did not teeter on the edge of absurd. I ran around with my nieces and nephews, talked with Aunt’s, laughed with Uncles, and reminisced with my brother’s friends that had also been mine so many years ago.

At the end of the party I sat outside with my parents, my sisters, their husbands, their children, my brother, his wife to be…and old friends.

In the darkness we sat together laughing out loud.
Staring up in to the dark night sky.
Slapping at the mosquitoes desperate to get drunk from our blood.

I got up to get myself a soda from the cooler and before heading back stopped for a moment.

I listed to the beat in the background
The different music from all the parties going on.
Heard the laughter that mingled up from them all.

All of it occurring at once.
With no resistance.

All the many different aspect of us all floated high into the dark night with our laughter, mingling together momentarily before rising above to mark our presence as one.

Until Tomorrow,

Mighty Morgan


WalksFarWoman said...

I love the way you lay out your posts Morgan, they are so focused and effortless to read - yet your chosen words have such a powerful impact.

Love your honesty, adoring your progress, keeping you safe in my heart. :)

Patricia Singleton said...

That was a very powerful dream and you got the message to stop resisting and go with your own flow. It is the flow of the Universe. It sounds like you have taken your life back. Allow yourself to feel the joy of being one with your family again. Congratulations on your personal growth. One day soon, I need to go back and read all of your articles from Day 1 to the present day of your 30 day experiment. I am coming in at the end. Celebrate you.

denny said...

Maybe I'm not reading enough into your dream but when I think about it every person could relate that dream to their life. Regardless of what we do in our individual lives, others lives go on unheeded moving to their own beat.

The party... your description of it made me think, Morgan has found her beat and she is living life. :)

Personally, I think that is a wonderful thing.

On another note, I tend to avoid big family get togethers. I've always referred to them as organized chaos on a good day.

sibbia said...

All I have to say is, I know that felt GOOD!

And that wonderful, amazing feeling should let you know the effect has been worthwhile, and that there's so much more to come!

BillyWarhol said...

I've pulled more than a few Fuckups over the years @ Family Parties*

Jumping Naked off the Diving Board at my cousins Wedding to a high profile Lawyer + Family Friend comes to mind!! I remember my sis was ready to Strangle me!!


I did manage to not Drink when visiting her in South Dakota last week - thought i'd try + keep da Peace in da Family* Of course they're all drinkin' like Fishes*

oh yoy*

Can i Drink at yer Bro's Wedding??

;)) xoxo