It's strange how things can look so different from one moment to the next. Sometimes I forget to just take another look at:
I forget that I have a choice.
I call it...
"Stuck in stupid...parked in dumb"
There are so many things from the past that still linger in the form of shame & guilt that force my head down so I don't have to look another human being in the eye.
Because if you see into me you will see these things I carry.
I stopped blaming other people for the condition of my life..
But I haven't reached a place where I stop blaming myself.
The reason I finally made a choice to get clean is when I took another look.
Another look at myself.
Another look at my life.
Another look at who I wasn't.
Another look as to who I didn't want to be.
I am so clear on who I don't want to be......
But giving myself permission to be who I am is sometimes the struggle.
I begin to settle for ordinary..when deep inside I know I'm extraordinary.
This process is a bit more revealing then I had thought it would be.
I know all things are possible...but what are the possibilities.
What is it I am trying to acheive?
Who do I want to be when I grow up?
Somewhere along the line I forgot who I wanted to be when I grew up.
But the whole thing about forgetting something is that you never really forget.
It stays with you knawing away at the subconscoius searching and searching....
Until all at once you remember......
I wanted to be me.
That happy little girl that spun around on her front lawn till she was dizzy and sick.
Who laid in the soft sweet grass watching the parade of clouds float across the bright blue of the sky through the shifting branches of the trees above.
Once you know..you can't not know.
My nephew James taught me how to play Spiderman today.
Him in a mask.
Me in flip flops.
Running around the backyard like two loons laughing like there was no tommorow.
Now that I remember..there's no turning back.
Nor any reason why I would want to.