Thursday, June 28, 2007

Day Three..Letting go of the Luggage

Day Three

I have emotional luggage I have dragged with me never comprehending the burden of it's weight.

For YEARS I carried with me a nagging feeling of uncomfortable desperation. I always felt bad and I hated it. My so called "solution" was to do everything and anything to completely avoid my "feelings."

To numb them.
To drown them.
To absolutly obliterated them.
To destroy them.

The result was the hopelessness I aimlessly floundered in. Lost within the dark empty void of my life. I did not understand that in not experiencing the natural flow of my emotions I essentially became an unwilling participate within my own life.

I never took responsibility for the way I felt and blamed everything outside of myself.

When I finally broke free from the needle of addiction implanted in my arm; I was an emotional mess. I never acknowledged the power my emotions had. I never knew how they in manifested as the life I lived.

In the first sevearal months of being clean I couldn’t discern what emotions were what. All I knew wasI feel good and I feel bad and I definitely did not prefer the bad. I remember I was given a photocopy of a pictures of all the different range of emotions and I had no idea what 90% of them were.

It took some time but slowly I began to see the internal map of my emotions and how they led me to certain people, places, things, ideas and circumstances again and again despite the pain they seemed to produce.

I began to hear the once silent directions they whispered to me to. I began to understand I had a within me a map created with my emotions and the directions were the distorted perception of past experiences which always left me lost.

Everything has emotion and the charge of each is revealed through the perceptions of them.

I’ve been cleaning out all my stuff, getting ready for the move I will be making in the next month. I I found boxes filled with "stuff". Words scribbled on peices of faded paper, rocks, old diaries, concert tickets; Junk. All little fragments and bits of my past that at some point in time meant something to me.

Some of this "junk" held good positive memories. But most of it were things which I had no recollection of. I didn't know what they are, where they came from and why I even had them them. ......And they made me feel bad.

I couldn't understand what was compelling me to hold on to all this “stuff”? On a conscious level they seemed to mean nothing to me? But on a subconscious level there was an attachment…

There was emotion.

What I believe, how I believe and what I experience are all directly tied into my emotions and each of these little fragments of my past emotions produced such an emptiness that reached into the pit of my stomach.

I asked my self why I would voluntary kept things that made me feel bad. I don’t know why? But I do know that all the negative wrapped neatly around these pieces of my past was baggage

BaggageI have unconsciously dragged with me for years. A subtle way my beliefs have held their perceptions of my past experiences; Good, bad and indifferent. A means for my past to continually reveal itself in my present.

Then there was all the new baggage I’ve added in the past two years; The T.V, the furniture all the things in my apartment that I worked like a slave to acquire. All of it carrying with it the emotions of the struggle it took to acquire it all.

Now why would I want to continue to drag this with me into each and every day?

I didn't need to figure that out I just needed to let it go and I tossed it all. It’s all just stuff,

I have five coffee tables……Why?

"Just in case I would tell myself"

In case of what, I have a party that needs five coffee tables?

This process of letting go of is a times an emotional detox. It 'feels" uncomfortable and my natural instinct is to do or find something to substitute the feeling.

But I traveled to those destinations already and I haven't been so impressed with the scenery.

I need to go through the process of weeding out these emotions. Plucking the ripened fruits of beliefs that have grown in the fertile soil of my being. Extracting the suffocating roots of my life experiences they have implanted themselves in.

In some moments I am painfully aware of how my past wants to sneak itself into my present. I feel the emotional turmoil of the past struggling to force itself upon the present attempting to paint it's deceptive illusions on the canvas of my life.

It's time to let it all go..time to finally leave the past where it belongs......

in yesterday.

Until tomorrow…

Be blessed Mighty Morgan

1 comment:

BillyWarhol said...

Maybe i'm the One thass supposed to read this* I know i BrownNose up to yer sweet Ass quite a bit but that was really a good read* I especially liked the old concert tickets - i hope i still have mine - cuz those Rock Shows are becoming a Faded Memory with each passing Day + sigh... Year* They were Fucked Up Fun timez + frankly i miss 'em* Jesus we did some crazy shit* I remember dropping Acid for the first time b4 a Tubes concert at Masonic Temple in Detroit + Fee Waybill the lead singer Roaring out onstage on a Harley with a Hot Chick in a Bikini!! + Launching into White Punks on Dope!! The crowd went fucking Nuts!! ;)) In addition to the Sydney we also stopped at McDonald's + swallowed a hole gram each of Hash with our Coffees* Of course a few Joints + Many Beers added to the BUZZ* ;)) I remember coming back across the Ambassador Bridge to Canada + my friend who was driving his Pickup Truck realized we in the Lane of Oncoming Traffic!! Oh God!! We were Fried!!

Cheers MightyM!! Billy ;))