Day 20... The Precipice

I love sex.

And I have written about it a lot.

Here's the thing

I have had opportunities of late.
They always seem to just miss.
Just seem to not happen.
There are no coincidences.

I think...I hate to say it, that I want sex to MEAN SOMETHING
*(vomit). Oh god...I am one of those now. Don't get me wrong
I want all of those things I described in Day 11. I just want them
with someone I care about

Until then...batteries and porn it is.
So sad.

But it is a milestone. And one I am proud of. It will involve
cutting some men out of my life. Men to whom I am a sexual
object.

Believe me, I allowed it.
I loved it.
I craved to be looked at that way...you know the drill.
"Beautiful girls want to be called smart.
Smart girls want to feel beautiful."
I am a smart girl......you do the math.

I can say that there are a few men who randomly call or email
and I allow this sexual banter to exist. Lately it hasn't really
held up to scrutinizing. I haven't enjoyed it, more continued it
based on habit alone.

I am not against purely physical relationships. I had an extended
one with a SEXY Puerto Rican for over 10 years.

We were friends.
We were lovers.
But that was truly unique.
He was a special person.
I would gladly break the rules for him.

SO here I am at this strange crossroads.
Craving human contact, but at the same time redefining what
I see as a positive experience.

standing over a cliff

on the edge

of change

does it mean I am negating past behavior

denouncing what was once fulfilling

as barren and base

it doesn't mean that

I won't let it

the stoves we touch

the burns we get

scars of regret

or badges of honor

maybe both

I see the past behind me

high mountainous peaks

low fertile valleys

tidal waves of love

passion

crashing

into

over

above

beyond

within

my body

coursing through my veins

bursting through tear ducts

I cannot

will not

regret the men

who for means less than virtuous

I have allowed to enter my bed

enter me

I let it happen

I WANTED it to happen

I look ahead

over that new precipice

I see the same

high mountainous peaks
low fertile valleys
tidal waves of love
passion
crashing
into
over
above
beyond
within
my body
coursing through my veins
bursting through tear ducts

of a different ilk

a passion of the heart

of my mind

as powerful

as strong

as pleasurable

Mount Everest

Napa Valley

Caribbean water

I stand over this cliff

I smile

I fear

with all the experience of the past

to guide me on this new road

I stand over

there is nothing

but the world

for me to see

through these new eyes

Hope and Love,

Soul Dancer