Wednesday, September 5, 2007

Day 20... The Precipice


I love sex.

And I have written about it a lot.

Here's the thing

I have had opportunities of late.
They always seem to just miss.
Just seem to not happen.

There are no coincidences.

I think...I hate to say it, that I want sex to MEAN SOMETHING
*(vomit).
Oh god...I am one of those now. Don't get me wrong
I want all of those things I described in Day 11. I just want them
with someone I care about

Until then...batteries and porn it is.
So sad.

But it is a milestone. And one I am proud of. It will involve
cutting some men out of my life. Men to whom I am a sexual
object.


Believe me, I allowed it.
I loved it.
I craved to be looked at that way...you know the drill.
"Beautiful girls want to be called smart.
Smart girls want to feel beautiful."

I am a smart girl......you do the math.

I can say that there are a few men who randomly call or email
and I allow this sexual banter to exist. Lately it hasn't really
held up to scrutinizing. I haven't enjoyed it, more continued it
based on habit alone.


I am not against purely physical relationships. I had an extended
one with a SEXY Puerto Rican for over 10 years.

We were friends.
We were lovers.
But that was truly unique.
He was a special person.
I would gladly break the rules for him.

SO here I am at this strange crossroads.
Craving human contact, but at the same time redefining what
I see as a positive experience.


standing over a cliff
on the edge
of change
does it mean I am negating past behavior
denouncing what was once fulfilling
as barren and base
it doesn't mean that
I won't let it
the stoves we touch
the burns we get
scars of regret
or badges of honor
maybe both
I see the past behind me
high mountainous peaks
low fertile valleys
tidal waves of love
passion
crashing
into
over
above
beyond
within
my body
coursing through my veins
bursting through tear ducts
I cannot
will not
regret the men
who for means less than virtuous
I have allowed to enter my bed
enter me
I let it happen
I WANTED it to happen
I look ahead
over that new precipice
I see the same
high mountainous peaks
low fertile valleys
tidal waves of love
passion
crashing
into
over
above
beyond
within
my body
coursing through my veins
bursting through tear ducts
of a different ilk
a passion of the heart
of my mind
as powerful
as strong
as pleasurable
Mount Everest
Napa Valley
Caribbean water
I stand over this cliff
I smile
I fear
with all the experience of the past
to guide me on this new road
I stand over
there is nothing
but the world
for me to see
through these new eyes

Hope and Love,
Soul Dancer

3 comments:

Patricia Singleton said...

Congratulations on starting to love yourself more than sex with no ties. It is a frightening, road to freedom to be the person you are becoming. Believe me when I say that the changes are worth learning to like, as well as love, yourself. Have a glorious day.

Colin said...

What amazing posts.....a story within each and every one of them.

Learning to love yourself is a BIG step, but it will give you much more inner strength for years to come. It's never easy doing what you are, it takes a lot of guts and there are many who cannot achieve what you are :)

http://grottynosh.wordpress.com/2007/07/03/after-a-while-you-learn/

Bobby said...

Hi Morgan! Everyone obviously has sexual desires and most of us also have the desire to love and be loved. So many people don't associate sex with love. Nowadays when I am dating a woman and she wants sex on the first date, I am not interested! One of my buddies said I must be turning gay, I thought it was funny. I want to be have great sex with someone I love who feels the same way. I guess that's why a lot of men will have a great, honest wife - but will go out and have attachment-free sex with a stranger. That's why I'm not married yet! I know married couples who love eachother and they are eachothers fantasies too! I hope we both find that. I love the poem! You are such a great writer, you should really consider writing a book:)