Today I am fasting.
We are in the midst of another Jewish holiday. On this holiday we atone for our sins.....a whole year of sins compacted into one day.
A list of sins:
1. I wanted a married man. I didn't go through with it, but I would have.
2. Illegal substances have entered my body.
3. I am guilty of manipulation.
4. I am guilty of lying.
5. I watch porn(questioning whether or not that is a sin)
6. I am materialistic
7. I am gluttonous
8. I can be jealous of people
9. I am guilty of screaming at myself, hating myself, defeating myself.
10. I am guilty of managing anger poorly.
I can say that these sins have been the same for many years. I am a work in progress as always. I love when Linda (sister-in-law) says, "tale as old as time".
It is so true. If I could remove ONE of these per year, I would be happy. I know people may think #1 is the worst.
But I disagree.
It is #9.........good ol' self hatred, that is the worst. It is the indirect cause of #1, among other numbers.
You know that mantra, "God grant me the serenity......." becomes more and more relevant. I am happy that I am aware of them.
I am trying to arrest their development.
I am trying to make them minor characters, rather than the leads.
Let's say they should be Dr McSteamy to my better half McDreamy.
I am trying.
Old habits die hard
Married men don't get unsexy.
Coach bags remain pretty.
I was putting on makeup this morning at my parents' house. I was overwhelmed with thoughts. I immediately began to scream at myself. Inside out. Echoing. Ugly thoughts. Uglier words. I tried to stop and I couldn't. I went to the big dogs.
I walked into my mommy's room. She calmed me. She told me I was beautiful. Maybe I am not. But I needed anything, something to stop the negativity that was coursing through my body like electricity.
Bose stereo in surround sound blasting.
A high def LCD screen where I look like Moby Dick.
I have spent many times throughout my journey talking about this.
I have worked, and continue to work on attempting to control these moments.
I have been so pleased with myself because until today, I have been really successful at calming myself.
I realize the battle isn't over.
I will rage against myself.
I will stare back in horror at myself many more times in my life.
And my mommy won't always be able to make me feel pretty again.
I just want it to stop.
Sephora doesn't sell that product.
I can't purchase it online.
It is free.
But I am the only salesperson.
Sometimes the product is out of stock.
Not sold on eBay.
OK - but I feel better. I will focus on that. I will focus on the fact that in less than two hours I will be in the presence of two men who make me smile more than anyone.
Thomas and Kyle - my nephews. Kyle has renamed me "adida" - his ADORABLE attempt to say Aunt Dana. Have you ever smiled inside out upside down around the world and backwards? That is what they do to me.
I am going to continue to
It doesn't end.
New ways to fuck up
New ways to amend.
New ways to forgive.
New ways to move on.
Ways to live, love, learn.
Hope and love,