Saturday, September 22, 2007

Day 27 ... Atoning

Today I am fasting.
We are in the midst of another Jewish holiday. On this holiday we atone for our sins.....a whole year of sins compacted into one day.
A list of sins:
1. I wanted a married man. I didn't go through with it, but I would have.
2. Illegal substances have entered my body.
3. I am guilty of manipulation.
4. I am guilty of lying.
5. I watch porn(questioning whether or not that is a sin)
6. I am materialistic
7. I am gluttonous
8. I can be jealous of people
9. I am guilty of screaming at myself, hating myself, defeating myself.
10. I am guilty of managing anger poorly.

I can say that these sins have been the same for many years. I am a work in progress as always. I love when Linda (sister-in-law) says, "tale as old as time".
It is so true. If I could remove ONE of these per year, I would be happy. I know people may think #1 is the worst.
But I disagree.
It is #9.........good ol' self hatred, that is the worst. It is the indirect cause of #1, among other numbers.

You know that mantra, "God grant me the serenity......." becomes more and more relevant. I am happy that I am aware of them.
I am trying to arrest their development.
I am trying to make them minor characters, rather than the leads.
Let's say they should be Dr McSteamy to my better half McDreamy.
I am trying.
Old habits die hard
Married men don't get unsexy.
Coach bags remain pretty.

I was putting on makeup this morning at my parents' house. I was overwhelmed with thoughts. I immediately began to scream at myself. Inside out. Echoing. Ugly thoughts. Uglier words. I tried to stop and I couldn't. I went to the big dogs.
I walked into my mommy's room. She calmed me. She told me I was beautiful. Maybe I am not. But I needed anything, something to stop the negativity that was coursing through my body like electricity.
Bose stereo in surround sound blasting.
A high def LCD screen where I look like Moby Dick.
I have spent many times throughout my journey talking about this.
I have worked, and continue to work on attempting to control these moments.
I have been so pleased with myself because until today, I have been really successful at calming myself.
I realize the battle isn't over.
I will rage against myself.
I will stare back in horror at myself many more times in my life.
And my mommy won't always be able to make me feel pretty again.
I just want it to stop.
Sephora doesn't sell that product.
I can't purchase it online.
It is free.
But I am the only salesperson.
Sometimes the product is out of stock.
Not sold on eBay.

OK - but I feel better. I will focus on that. I will focus on the fact that in less than two hours I will be in the presence of two men who make me smile more than anyone.
Thomas and Kyle - my nephews. Kyle has renamed me "adida" - his ADORABLE attempt to say Aunt Dana. Have you ever smiled inside out upside down around the world and backwards? That is what they do to me.

I am going to continue to
It doesn't end.
I find
New ways to fuck up
New ways to amend.
New ways to forgive.
New ways to move on.
Ways to live, love, learn.

Hope and love,
Soul Dancer

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