Day 29 ... Cycles

Outside in the deep darkness of the night I stood alone looking up at the silver moon gazing down from above. Listening to the crickets chirp back and forth in the stillness of the night.
Breathing in the hot, humid summer breeze and embracing the perfection all around me.
Turning to go back inside, with my first step I slip on a slug.

Flip flops and slugs do not get along.
Especially at 2 am in the morning.

My only reaction...gross.
My point in that...none.

I had to go back and read this from day one today.
Had to see how far I've actually come.

"I've come a long way baby"

This whole experiment sprouted from the seeds of desperation. My life had become yet another existence I floated through wondering what the purpose behind it all was.

I wanted to know if anything was possible.
Had to know if I could really change my life.
Knew that if I tried nothing I would have just killed myself.

My only option was to change the dynamics of my life.
Change every aspect of my being.
Dig into the deepest parts of who I was to root out the beliefs that had continuously led me to a place in which I felt no hope time and time again.

Desperation is at times a gift. Within it's framework it offers the motivation to do whatever is necessary to achieve a purpose.

I was desperate.
I had to know.

I knew that if I had to settle for a life behind a desk.
Working for someone else.
Trading my time and energy for a paycheck.
Wondering why things were the way they were?
Living for the day that would never come for me to live out my dreams.

Swallowing whole the belief spoon-fed to me from others that "this was life, now just accept it."

I wasn't interested.

I knew that if I gave my all to change my life and nothing changed that I was going to kill myself. That's the way this whole thing started anyway...naturally if I did my best and still ended up in the same place I felt that there was no point.

I can't live in this world with the beliefs I once held as my own.
If that is what my life would be limited to...I didn't want to participate.

Nothing changes if nothing changes.
But everything changes once you begin to change.

I've changed...and so has my world.

The cycles of life are so entwined within every moment.
The lessons they contain are always there.
The results of the process are evident in all that inspires me.

But the seeming struggle that had to occur was what was wrong with my perception. I didn't grasp the understanding of the process is what created the beauty. Was and is the very thing that sparked the hope to continuously push forward regardless of the hopelessness.

I see that now.
I see that it was always there with me.
The understanding, the knowledge.

I knew all of it already...

I knew each fall would be a dance of a thousand shades of red, orange, brown and green dancing against the brilliant blue of the September sky before fading into the gray of winter.
I knew that each spring the world would come alive in the fresh growth of a million different hues of green of which a rainbow of colors would sway upon in delight.

I just had forgotten that I too was part of the very same cycles. I had to experience the deep dark, loneliness of a cold winter to embrace the warm sun of the spring.

The contrasts of my life have allowed me to discover more then I could have ever known...without them there would have never been any reason for me to search out another truth.

Everything had to happen exactly the way it did in order for me to find myself.


Until Tomorrow,
Mighty Morgan

Day 28...Finding the Beat.

When I finally fell asleep yesterday it was for only a little while, but long enough for me to fall into the dreamy slumber of la-la land. I awoke a short time later a bit refreshed and perplexed about the dream I had just emerged from.

Dreams are often the missing pieces of the ideas I can’t grasp when awake.

I think I was in a subway terminal, similar to that of Grand Central station. Masses of people all traveling to their here's and there's and me caught in the middle unsure which was the right way to go. I would push through the people just trying to find my way to no avail.

The more I pushed…the more they pushed back.

It went on like this for what seemed like an eternity. Finally I stepped aside, leaned back on the tiled wall and stopped for a moment.

Stopped doing the very thing that was causing such resistance.
Stopped to take a look at the whole picture.

Stopped long enough to hear that behind the shuffling of feet, laughter, crying babies, loudspeaker announcements, whistles, coins in cans, shouting…there was something else.

Music.

They were all moving to a beat of their own . Like one big wave of the ocean descending down. Each person a drop of water in the fluid mass moving together as one.

They were “grooving” to the universal beat.

Every person moved a little different.
Danced to a song all their own.
Some bopped there heads.
Others hummed softly to themselves.

Then there were the ones whose voice flat out boomed across the station in an acappella harmony that sent shivers up my spine. No one danced to anyone else’s song; there was no need to, for everyone had their own.

I awoke shortly after with small remnants of the dream still lingering in my consciousness, but not enough to fully grasp any type of significance as it related to my life.

My baby Brother(who is no longer a baby) engagement party was today. For weeks my family has been running around preparing for the party being held at my parents house. Now with all the food done, flowers arranged, decorations adorned and favors set aside…all that was required was the guests to arrive.

But we were not the only ones having a party that day.
Behind us was a block party.
Diagonal from us was a block party.
My hometown has become quite the place for parties in the past few years.

This was the first of them in over 12 years where I was no longer the outsider.

The drug addict.
The fuck-up.
The one they whispered about thinking I would’t hear.

I was part of the party.

Family members that used to play polite with me surprised me with real conversations that did not teeter on the edge of absurd. I ran around with my nieces and nephews, talked with Aunt’s, laughed with Uncles, and reminisced with my brother’s friends that had also been mine so many years ago.

At the end of the party I sat outside with my parents, my sisters, their husbands, their children, my brother, his wife to be…and old friends.

In the darkness we sat together laughing out loud.
Staring up in to the dark night sky.
Slapping at the mosquitoes desperate to get drunk from our blood.

I got up to get myself a soda from the cooler and before heading back stopped for a moment.

I listed to the beat in the background
The different music from all the parties going on.
Heard the laughter that mingled up from them all.

All of it occurring at once.
With no resistance.

All the many different aspect of us all floated high into the dark night with our laughter, mingling together momentarily before rising above to mark our presence as one.

Until Tomorrow,

Mighty Morgan

Day 27.....Believing Again

I remember heavy summer evenings when the tired sun would sink into the shadows of the horizon. When the last remnants of day would meet to mingle with the evening for a few moments before parting to say goodbye. The stars would begin to appear in the lavender twilight that gently gave way to the deep purple of the night.

Laughter and voices of my parents and neighbors chatting mixed with the sounds of crickets carried through the air on a hot evening breeze; as the other children on the block and I played just out of reach of their shadows.

A childhood melody that still plays in my mind.

Barefoot in the grass and cautious of the slimy slugs that seemed to find their way beneath our feet. We would watch as the night came alive. One by one they seem to materialize out of the darkness filling it with the flickering dance of fireflies.

Bright green glimmers of light lasting only for a moment before fading back into the darkness from which they emerged. Shrieks of surprise and laughter echoed into the deepest parts of my being as we chased them through the night.

I would reach for them; tiny star shaped hands wrapping around the little piece of darkness that seemed to shine. I would peak into my cupped hands amazed at the treasure that glowed within them.

Whispering to them I would give them my wishes for safe keeping then release them back into the darkness to carry away my hopes to the land of dreams.

Life was magical in every moment.

I sometimes wonder what happened to me that life lost its brilliant luster and tarnished as the years past.

When did I decide to stop seeing the magic?
Who told me it wasn’t real?

When did I stop believing?

Each month as the full moon begins to emerge I become an insomniac and with it's forthcoming arrival I could not sleep last night. I try to read, write to fight it. But there’s nothing to fight except myself; until finally I surrender to the truth that sleep will not come till its wants to.

I found myself outside beneath the canopy of night a bit before dawn. The time where the hard edges of the darkness begin to gently soften as the night fades into the light of day.

At the edge of my driveway I watched as a glimmer of light floated towards me.
One tiny glowing ember flickering in the fading darkness.

Alone in the silence of the lavender twilight of dawn I watched as it danced before me....
I began to cry as I felt the familiar stirring from within.

The voice of my heart.

Whispering to me gently.
Letting me know my hopes were mine.
No one had ever taken them away.
They had only been carried away for safekeeping in the land of dreams.
Until the time would come….

When I knew it was safe to believe again.

Until Tomorrow,

Mighty Morgan

Day 26...The Bigger Picture

I was sitting outside today just smoking a cigarette and looking at this tree that has been on my front lawn since I was born.

Through the years it had grown into a monstrous giant looming high into the blue of the midday sky.

Up until a few years ago it was covered in a lush blanket of emerald ivy that hung down in twisted blankets from the branches high above. With each year that passed and the tree grew the Ivy grew with it.

Beneath the covering of jaded speckled leaves; thick ropes of vines began to encircle the tree strangling it. Each new spring would reveal a part of the tree that had been choked of life from the beautiful ivy that covered it. (Click on the image to see how thick the vines were)

My parents decided that the Ivy had to go.

It took a long time of pulling away at the layers of leaves and chopping away at the monstrous vines that lay beneath it all. After many months the Ivy with no source of nutrients from it's severed vines began to shriveled up and fall away, until nothing but the skeleton of it's former self was left.

Regardless of the strangle hold that it had been in for so long...the tree still grew.

Every day it would still reach up to kiss the sunshine in the afternoon sky.
Even when parts of itself were dried and lifeless it never stopped fighting for the parts of itself that still lived.

Today as I sat outside I watched a little gray squirrel scurry through the dead branches and tangle of dried vines that still remain; cautiously he made his way across the tree until he reached a little branch that had sprouted from the dead growth.

On that branch was a little acorn that the squirrel quickly grabbed and ran down the tree to bury in the grass below for winter storage.

I started thinking how nature in all it's splendor and glory carries with it many of the same stories I carry with me in my own life. The struggles I have encountered the things I have allowed to consume me.

With all that I have been through and gone through.....no matter what I still kept moving forward.

I still carry with me my history.
I still carry with me my past.
The hurt still has a place in my heart.
The pain is still there.

The lashes that life has inflicted upon my spirit; the scars will always be there.

But yet much like the vines of the ivy it no longer has the power to slowly kill me. The remnants will stay with me forever more....but the force that threatens to choke the life from me in it's subtle deceptive ways no longer does.

My wounds.
My experiences.
My strength

Much like the little acorn....my pain now becomes a source of healing nourishment for those who have walked the paths of life I have traveled.

It becomes the hope for the next person who has suffered.
It becomes the message for the hopeless.

In rehab two years ago a man by the name of the "Rev". told me....

"You are the message for the people God brings before you".

Deep within me I knew that with all that I have encountered in this life there had to be a reason. A purpose. A meaning for it all.

I am a message of hope.

I am a living breathing message for those who struggle in the silence of their lives.

For all those who feel alone.
For all those who feel unloved.
For all those who feel unworthy.
For all those who feel forgotten about.

I have lived in that silence and struggled in the loneliness of the existence that accompanies it....yet through time I have healed.

I have found freedom.
I have found me.

I have found my way to rise above it all to kiss the sunshine in all it's glory waiting in the afternoon sky.

Until Tomorrow,

Mighty Morgan

Technorati Profile

Day 25......Looking Ahead.

Last April I was living in a woman's sober home......

I had moved into it the previous October after leaving rehab.
I remember feeling so scared at the time.
I had heard such horror stories of places like these and I still couldn't believe that I had allowed my life to fall into such shambles that the reality of my life was the.......

Welfare system.
Living in a house with 10 other women.
Sharing a small bedroom with another women.
A 10pm curfew.
Weekly Urine tests.
Restricted freedom.
Nightly Chores.
Outpatient 6 days a week.
Court appearances every few months.

But I also had absolutely no responsibility except to begin the process of healing.

When I first moved in I had no idea of where my life was going. I had no clue how to hold a job, pay bills, save money. The normal little things people do everyday were simply not part of the life I lived in active addiction.

I was so fortunate to find some amazing women in that house. Who loved and adored me as much as I grew to love them. I don't believe I have ever laughed as much as I did in the time I lived there.

Sometimes we peed ourselves laughing.....a healing medicine for the spirit.

I have been thinking about them a lot lately and what happened to them.

What few of us were left last April were told that the house would close in the next 30 days. There just was not enough women in recovery to keep the house open.

I remember feeling so angry that we were going to lose our housing.

Where were we going to go?
What would happen to the few of us that were left?

When I moved in I had decided that no matter what I would follow the suggestions of my counselors and people who had a better idea of how to live life. My plan was simple; live out my time in the sober house, accumulate some clean time, build a foundation to stand on and slowly re-introduce myself back into the world.

The house closing really messed up that plan.

But as the expression goes.........

"We make plans and God laughs"

Within three months of leaving that house I got off welfare, saved my money and on July 25, 2007 moved into my first apartment.

All on the salary of a Bagel girl which was $9.00 an hour.

The first night in my apartment I thought back to the first day I had moved into the Sober home. Frightened and full of uncertainty I had no ability to conceive that 10 months later I would be on my own.

Clean (Drug Free)
Working.
Paying Bills.
Saving Money.
Being Responsible.

One year to the date I moved in.....that apartment is now gone.

In the process of wading through the swamp of my past and the emotional detox that accompanied it, I am now in a different place. A sense of freedom has surfaced within me that wasn't available when I began this experiment 25 days ago.

The fear has released it's grip.
The frustration has un-knoted itself.
The anger has subsided.

Space has been made for hope to fill.
Hope spark the flames of faith.

When I began this experiment I wrote about my desire to live a life based upon the dreams I hold within me. As each day has passed I have begun to really understand that now my dreams have a chance to be a reality. But haven't explained exactly what it is that I want my life to be.

A few days ago I wrote a post about the fear I felt consumed with and Franco from Mind Body Spirit and Fluttering Thoughts pointed out to me that now was the time to begin to look forward. I'm so grateful for his gentle insight that nudged me to begin to turn from the past and begin the journey of looking forward. To experience the freedom I have gained and embrace the uncertainty that life presents in the unlimited potential of now!

So here is where I take another step forward and begin to really be clear in what I want to experience in my life....I'm actually a bit scared to write it but as Sibba from Seeing is Believing....suggested to me the other day..

Feel the fear and do it anyway.

So I now unleashed yet again my intentions out to the universe at large.......

I want to write for a living and get paid to do so.
I want to continue to build upon my website and make money with it...since everything is free right now.
I want to help people.
I want to see the sand and stone history of the Great Pyramids of Egypt.
I want to see the cracks of the paint as I stare up at the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel.
I want to gaze at the stars dancing in the darkness from all the many forests of the world.
I want to feel the Sun on my skin from every beach that meets the oceans.
I want to travel through every country in the world and discover all that I have never known.
I want to stand beneath a waterfall and feel the cool water cascade against my skin.
I want to have my own little place in the world with beautiful garden filled with a rainbow of flowers.
I want to fall in love with someone who adores me as much as I adore them.


I want my life to be a physical manifestation of Love, Laughter, Blue Skies and Sunshine....


Until Tomorrow,
Mighty Morgan

Link Luv....Pass it on.

Technorati Profile

The sweet and lovely Walks Far Woman from Kissing the Dogwood has spread some link love my way. I'm not to sure how all this works but I'm told it's a means to help boost your Technorati ratings and help create a wider audience. The love was passed in to her by the man that seems to be EVERYWHERE spreading the love with the help her provides to other bloggers Bobby from Revellian.

So this is how it all works........

1.Write a short paragraph at the beginning of your post and link back to the blog (preferably the post url like I did at the top with Bobby’s blog, there is a link below to his blog so the one above should be to the post to avoid redundancy) that put you on the list in the paragraph. This isn’t a suggestion. You need to break up the duplicate content. Someone took the time to add you so the least you can do is give them an extra link back.

2. Copy the list of originals below COMPLETELY and add it to your blog. If you would like a different keyword for your blog then change it when you do your post and it should pass to most blogs with that keyword.

3. Take the adds from the blog that added you and place them in the “Originals” list.

4. Add at least 1 new blog that you KNOW is using the DO FOLLOW plugin to the list in the “My Adds” section. (Add no more than 5!) Let the people you’ve added know, so that they can keep the list going!

My Adds:

Phattitudes.
Perpetual Expressions
Ultimate MMA Video Blog
Backwoods Drifter
Sir Paul McCartney & The Beatles guest band purplemelon.

Originals:

A GreatPleasure Little world of thoughts Renisphere mott’s island Kev’s Walkabout iBubbs woof Down Memory Lanes Woof & Arf Lovely Mummy Bubba Stuff Mommibee Moments in My Life Rambling Moo All about Zara & Zaria Hip n cool momma Random Thoughts of a Blur Mommy Mylittleanelqianyi Bits & Pieces De’moments chinneeq Giddy Tiger Huei Rabbit Rinnah Simple America Niceheart Ethel Sanna The Queer Chef Shoshana Leahgina> Haze GheeNeng aka Sirena Angelo Ju aka The Border aka Juana of Femjo Tina Keep the Faith jsonvlog Suncoast Scribe Blogging Kenneth My 2 Centavos Worth Manila Mom 3 Dogs, 3 Pigs and A Family Cafe Romanza Earn Global Credit Ability Macuha Flee the Cube MomReviews.net Fellow Eskimo Pajama Mommy Amanita.net WebStyle Meredith’s Weight Loss Blog Pink Blog Tricia’s Musings Ugh!!’s Greymatter Honeypot Midlife Musings Utterly Geek Whatever I Feel Like My Dandelion Patch Surviving NJ GeekySpeaky Simple Kind Of Life 3DayMom BuyMeBlog The Hockey Dad Mariuca This is a Miracle Revellian d bImBo Secret of Mind Rightly Epitomised Random Magus Disjointed Intelligence WalksFarWoman FeedGet Wits End The Tall Poppy Man About the House The Process of a Miracles cmru66

So spread the "Luv" and watch how it grows..............
Technorati Profile

Day 24.....Higher Power or Lower Power

I never knew there was a difference between a higher power and a lower power. I just thought since I believed in something that was all there was to it.

But my life spoke volumes of what my belief systems were and were not.

I don't write much about what finally brought me to the end of my using. I still haven't fully come to grips with the actions I displayed at that time in my life

Don't know if I ever can.
But everything...

EVERYTHING

I do each and every day is a constant reminder of who I never want to be again.

The destruction.
The violation.
The hurt.
The violence I inflicted in people's lives.

The scars I lashed upon the spirits that will never heal in the lives of those who crossed my path....

One in particular...her name was Dolores.

How I hurt this woman was the single reason why I decided that I would never use again. Still today it leaves an emptiness in the pit of my stomach, I still beat myself up, still judge myself so harshly and don't know if I can ever forgive myself.

I will never in this lifetime be able to show her how wrong I was.
How sick I was at the time.
How the person she encountered was not who I really was.

She was the reason I got clean.
The daily reminder of who I did not want to be .

She died six months after I stopped using.

I found out about a month or so after she passed. My Mother had seen a relative at a Christening...she told my Mother of her passing.

She told my Mother how much Dolores Loved me.
How I destroyed her with my actions.
How I broke her heart.

and now she was dead.

While I was still active I though I believed in a Higher Power...
I choose to call it God because it just makes it easier.
It has nothing to do with any type of religion.

That never worked for me.

The abstract nature of religions did not account for the reality of my humanity.
The nature of my addiction.
The things I did.
The person I was.

A destructive force claiming I believed in the character of God. My actions showing my beliefs worked on a level that in no way, shape or form exemplified any of the characteristics of God.

Good
Orderly
Direction

I can take you to the streets and slums I ran through.
Show you the scams I pulled.
Show you the crimes I committed
Tell you the lies that oozed out of me each moment.
The knife I would stick in your back the moment you turned.

and then I could tell you about my higher power.

If these were the conditions of my life...what could I ever claim to know about a higher power

...except that it wasn't.

But I was driven by this missing piece for so long.
I had no idea.
Though I was forgotten about.

Discarded and thrown away...even by God.

But that wasn't the case...never was.
I just never thought to look at my beliefs in another way.

To understand the language of religion was something I didn't speak...nor did it speak to me and that it was okay.

Different Strokes for Different Folks.

The way I live today is so far removed from the shadows I lurked in two years ago. I know I am part of the solution. Who I am and the things I do on a daily basis speaks for itself about who I am and................

Who I am not.

Still two years later...it's still there.
It tries to disguise itself as fear.
A way to push my buttons to get me to react.
To drive my behavior once again.
To have me be part of the problem...

To be the problem.

I tend to freak out when it hits.
Squirm in it's grips.
Resist the lies it tells.

I Know that "This too shall Pass."

I know who I don't want to be.....

But it still lingers waiting for the moment to make its re-entrance into my life like an old long lost friend from far, far away.

Enticing me with it's sweet nothings and false hopes.
Torturing me with the uncomfortably.
Punishing me .

I don't give in.
I can't.
I won't.

It's not who I am anymore.

Until tomorrow,
Might Morgan

Viral Tagging.......Whose It???????

Viral Tagging

I was cruising through the world of blogs this evening and came across a post in Disjointed Intelligence regarding viral blogging skills and viral tag matrixs.

I honestly don't know much about this stuff...
But that doesn't mean I should just ignore the potential power it has to help me as well as others.

I do know that there is a whole blogging world out there with much more experience then me and I'm willing to follow their lead. This is a potential way to increase the amount of links and to help boost ratings of one's blog.....

After reading through the post which explains the ideas and concept of joining a viral tags matrix...

I can't argue or say anything in opposition to it.
It just makes sense.

If you want to know more please visit this post by Bobby from Revellian...he explains it much better then I could.

Without the confusion I would add to this very simple tactic.

The instructions are rather simply just follow the directions below. I myself am very curious to see the results of this.....
Although curiosity did kill the cat in the end...I'm not worried because I'm not a cat! :)

So if your interested in participating just simply follow the directions below.

========= Copy and Paste below this line ==========

The main idea of this tagging program is to allow others that got pinged by you to easily go to your site, and copy your Anchor Text (located right after “My Anchor Text”) and URL and paste them into their ViralTags Matrix. If you follow the instructions listed below exactly, it’ll make everything easier and clearer for everyone. Thank you for your participation! Enjoy!

Instructions:
1.) Copy and paste this program as indicated.
2.) Replace the anchor text located after “My Anchor Text” with your own anchor text. Also add your own anchor text in your ViralTags Matrix. Please keep anchor text to a max of 3 words to keep the matrix size manageable.
3.) When you get a ping back from someone that has your link in their ViralTags Matrix, practice good karma by copying his/her Anchor Text (automatically the associated link will also be copied) and paste it over your ViralTags Matrix below.
4.) Encourage and invite others to do the same and soon this can grow virally.

My ViralTag Matrix

My Anchor Text: The Process of a Miracle.


Text Unlimited I Startup Entrepreneur Money I Gio’s Blog I Hot MySpace LayoutsI Text Quotes Coolest Friendster Layouts I A Great Pleasure I Top Commercial Videos I Top Music Videos Virtual Entrepreneur I Bowflex-Store I Best-Cybershot I NafaSg I Search Useful Articles Revellian.com I For Tony Redgrave I IAmSearchingFor I Adventures of aLionheart I emilayusof.com I Disjointed Intelligence I The Process of a Miracle I Vlujunbaga I The miracle Process..the Next Steps I g2bgreen.com I Project Heavy Traffic I PoliticalRogueI SoccerOverload I TECHCRUSER I Daily Life Technology I Make Money Blogging I Tech-Hack Rambling I Daily Bulls Investing | Tech Gadgets Stocks | Affiliate Program | Computer Seventy-Five | Learn about e-Learning | Tech Hack Ramblings | Jack Book | Screen Writer Guy | Overseas Filipino Worker | Chilli Flakes | Top Funny Videos | Earn Money Online | Really Smart Guy | Earn Income Online | Day Mind Xpression | Entrepreneurship Internet Web | Make Money Blogging | Create a Blog | Pie Hole | start a blog | Make Money Blogging | Marketing Made Simple | Tech Startups Web2.0 | Music Videos | Text Quotes | Build Rankings Fast | Mrs Sparrow | Hot Buzz | Weight Loss | Really Funny Jokes | Best of Blogs | Heroin Addiction Codependence | Internet Marketing German | German - USA | Domain Development Blogs | Sundhed og Helbred | Giving Link Love | Business Blog Web | Photoshop Tutorials | Anitokid Chronikos | Klapkids Chronikos | esofthub’s web finds| Everything iPod | Jason’s Random Thoughts | Fun Web Development | Monetize Your Blog | Yung Silent Whisper | Stratz’s Blog | My Journey | Picture Clusters | EuroYank | The Sankey’s Stories | Blogging for Money | Wealth Blog | Yi JianLian NBA | Gadgets & Technology | Make Money Home | NFL Cleveland Browns | The Broken Bow | Pop Stars | Celebrity Gossip | Fanatic Space | Cheezmizan with Chuva | Catepol | Wolly’s Weblog | Profitable Productive Blogging | Cat on my Head | Bloggointestinale | 2012 Movies | iMod | Lorad Zarcon | Instruzioni | Sid05 Weblog | Bayle | Random Access Life | Mario’s Weblog | Acchiappasogni | Dietro e a Casa | Make Money Online | Anchor Text | Alex 2000 | My Life | Personal Finance | Hanneng.net Tech Blog | Business Twins | Pixie Tail | Gold Rushing’s Blog | Trade CDs | Business Chats | Paid to Blog | beijing olympics 2008 | Beijing Hotels | Beijing Travel | Sexy Celebrities | Stock Trading | stock option | LifeIsRisky.Com | Monkey Wong | Useful Blogging Tips | Sexy Celebrity | Global Tips and Tricks | Mariuca’s Perfume Gallery | Make Money Online | JLS Cisco Networking | Humor Jokes | Mik3 | Web2.0 Founder Interviews | Political Social Media | Master Engrafter | Making Money Online | GoldyWorld Fun | Static Thinkbox | Mariuca | Investing Women Online | Puerto Rico | The Poor Mouth | Daves Blog | Huma B~ | It’s a Miracle | Visit Egypt Online | Butterfly Feelings | Tell no Lies | McBilly’s Making Money | Earn Money Online | RideIt Like you StoleIt | yoeru | Make Money Online | Revellian | EZ Profit | Make Money Blog | TeamKyoudo | Chew on That | Bad Girls Diary | Chronic Headache | El Commentario Diario | Social Media Munching | Good Jokes | Social Networking Mother | MSU Spartan Sports | The SOHO Quest | Make Money Online | Caribbean Travel Blog | Jehzlau Concepts | Nonsense & Tears | Time Clock Software | SEO Blog | Anything and Everything | Father of One | Web Comic Artist | Justice Investmets | Terrible Horrible Evil | Russian Jokes Videos | Personal Development Blog | Movie Me! At Your Service I Static Think Box I Free Cash QuestI ProjectSoccerBet I ViralTags I ViralTagsViralTags I ViralTags I ViralTags I ViralTags I ViralTags I ViralTags I ViralTagsViralTags I ViralTags I ViralTags I ViralTags I ViralTags I ViralTags I ViralTagsViralTags I ViralTags I ViralTags I ViralTags I ViralTags I ViralTags I ViralTagsViralTags I ViralTags I ViralTags I ViralTags I ViralTags I ViralTags I ViralTagsViralTags I ViralTags I ViralTags I ViralTags I ViralTags I ViralTags I ViralTagsViralTags I ViralTags I ViralTags I ViralTags I ViralTags I ViralTags I ViralTagsViralTags I ViralTags I ViralTags I ViralTags I ViralTags I ViralTags I ViralTags

Important: Once I get a ping back from you, I will add your anchor text and the associated link to my ViralTag Matrix above. As more and more bloggers copy and paste this matrix, the more backlinks you will have with your anchor text. If everybody who copy and paste from your blog does the same, pretty soon this will spread and go viral. So, the sooner you participate, the more links with anchor text you will receive.Please follow the instructions exactly, it’ll make everything easier and clearer for everyone.

Definition of terms:

• Anchor Text - Also known as Link Text, the clickable text of a hyperlink. Search engines often look at anchor text to determine what the link is about and thus infer the subject of the site to which the link points. Anchor Text can be your site or blog title or any words that would decribe your site or blog. (Ex. Transformers Blog, Autobots Online Dating, Robots In Disguise)
• URL -An acronym for “Uniform Resource Locator,” this is the address of a resource on the Internet. World Wide Web URLs begin with http:// (Ex.http:// www.yourwond3rblogg .com)
• Ping (blog ping) - A notification to a web site that a blog has been created or updated.
• Search Engine - see Google, Yahoo, MSN, Live, Technorati, and so on…
• SERP - (Search Engine Results Page) The page of results that a search engine returns.
• Google PR (PageRank) - The PageRank system is used by the popular search engine Google to help determine a page’s relevance or importance.

(ViralTags courtesy of FoundersCafe)

======== Copy and Paste from Above this line ========

Please leave a comment if you add me...just in case I don't get the ping I will add you.

Day 23.......Nothing but Silence.

Life in all is amazing glory can at times become overwhemling. Every moment seems to rush into the next without consideration for the one that just occured.

I start to flail.
Crave a second to just stop.
A moment to catch up.
Just a break to breathe.

Then I get it and find myself bored in the peaceful silence of serenity.

That's where I am at at the moment.
But it doesn't feel right.

I feel like in this process that every minute, second and moment I should be unearthing some hidden truths from within that shake my very existence to the core.

Sort of like a movie but my life is in no way, shape or form a movie.

Who I am.
Who I want to be.
Who I dare to be.

All result from the uncomfortable silence of sitting in my own skin. When all the distractions from the outside fall away and the inner can no longer be ignored; I feel the uncertainty bubbling to the surface from within.

Fear.

I have allowed that little four letter word to create havoc thorugh my entire life. It feeds off of my uncomfortability. Dares me to do something to replace the gnawing it creates in the pit of my stomach. Snickers at the thought of me falling prey to is subtle ways of creating such.......

Dis-ease within me.
That oozes out to infect every area of my life.

Not tonight
Not tommorow
Not again.

I have willingly given myself over to the fear time and time again.

But no more.

I am so far from when I started this experiment. I only gave myself thirty days but I have made enormous leaps and bounds in my own comprehension of the place I hold within this life. In the place I hold myself in within my own life.

A voice within tells me....

It's not enough.
You need more time.
It's impossible.
Settle...settle..settle.

Fuck
Everything
And
Run

That was my motto for much of my life until I learned how to turn it around and listen to the voice that lies beneath the fear which softly whispers....

It is enough.
You will have all the time you need.
Anything is possible.
Don't settle for ordinary...when you know your extraordinary.

Face
Everything
And
Recover

Freedom isn't so free.
There is a price to pay for everything.


Until tommorow,
Mighty Morgan

I've been Tagged....

I was tagged by Kristina, author of Sir Paul McCartney & The Beatles guest band purplemelon. She herself was tagged by Deborah from Life in the Fast Lane

So I guess that means I’m it!!

With the “tag” is a list of ten questions that I’ll have to answer… Just a lil’ break to let you all know me a bit better as well as an opportunity to share a few fun facts about me!!

So the instructions….

1- Remove the blog from the top, move all blogs up one, and then add yourself to the bottom.
What Floats My Boat, Homespun Honolulu, Who’s Yo Mama and Life in the Fast Lane, Sir Paul McCartney & The Beatles guest band purplemelon, The Process of a Miracle (that’s me!!!!)

2- Give five answers to the following ten questions.

3- Pass this meme on to five fellow bloggers

This is my first go at this so if I am not playing the game of tag properly…
please feel free to give me a time out :)

Now for the ten tidbits of info about me……

What were you doing ten years ago? (Five things)
1-Rehab
2-Detox
3-Getting dope sick
4-Living in Central Park
5-Stealing for a living

What were you doing one year ago? (Five things)
These are DEFINITELY an improvement from ten years ago :)
1-Getting off of welfare.
2-Moving into my own apartment.
3-Loving my life.
4-Completing Drug Outpatient successfully (261 visits total)
5-Lounging at the beach.

Five snacks you enjoy.
1-Pretzels with mustard…mmmmmmmm
2-Snow peas.
3-Watermelon.
4-Fruit & Yogurt Parfaits….yummy
5-Chocolate chip muffin tops.

Five Songs you know the lyrics to…
1-“Fool in the Rain” Led Zepplin
2-“Bohemian Rhapsody” Queen
3-“Sugar Magnolia” Grateful Dead
4-“Crazy” Pasty Cline
5-“The Wall” Pink Floyd..
“How can you have any puddin, if ya don’t eat your meat?”
You can’t have any puddin if ya don’t eat your meat”

Five things you would do if you were a millionaire.
1-Share the wealth.
2-Travel around the world.
3-Build a house on the beach…In today’s economy a small house.
4-Figure out how to be a billionaire
5-Try and stay a millionaire

Five Bad Habits.
1-Smoking
2-Smoking
3-Smoking
4-Smoking
5-Did I mention Smoking???

Five things you like to do.
1-Write
2-Laugh myself silly with good friends
3-Daydream
4-Discover the little things in life that make me happy
5-Soak up the sun at the beach

Five things you would never wear again.
1-Those paint splattered pants my Mom said were cool.
2-Penny Loafers…with a penny in them.
3-Stir-up pants (I’m with you on those Kristina)
4-Shoe boots
5-Combat boots…the days of Punk Rock.

Five favorite toys.
1-My computer
2-Kimball Lawrence..my first Cabbage Patch Doll( Long time ago)
3-mmmm don’t think I should mention that one :)
4-Do colored pencils count????
5-Geeez…. what is a toy REALLY???

Five things you hate to do.
1-Move apartments
2-PMS
3-Sit in traffic
4-Be mean to people
5-The dishes

Now since that’s done.....I now get to tag the next lucky few with this meme…

Geoff Life and times of a gay man in Idaho
Kemari Phatitudes
Jim & Emma Go! Smell the flowers.
Denny Backwoods Drifter
Walks Far Woman of Kissing the Dogwood

So now that it's official and you are it pass it on!

Day 22......Spiritual Nourishment

Today my alarm clock was the face of my four year old niece one inch from mine telling me,

"Get up Mogen!"
"Get up!"

I didn't want to get up.
I wanted to sleep.
I was still so tired.
I dragged myself up anyway.

I'm not used to having people around me at all times.
Especially when I first wake up in the morning.
I can be a morning person...but I need an hour first.

A few cups of coffee, a few cigarettes...and I'm good to go.

Today that just wasn't enough.
I felt so drained from every part of my being.
A dangerous place for me to be in that I then have the capacity to just crash and burn.

I had told my family I would go out to my sister's house in Southold with them today. It' on the far East End of Long Island and I really didn't feel like going.

I live in suburbia U.S.A.
People from the city call it the Stix's or the country or bumble fuck.
But it's far from any of those descriptions.

If you walk out my front door.
There's a house.

If you look to the right.
There's a house.

If you look to the left.
There's a house.

If you look behind you.
There's a door...but behind that is another house.

There's not that much room left for anything else.

The past several days my life has been reduced to the drive back and forth from Queens to Long Island and a three mile radius around my house.

There is no where to just escape for a second.
I wanted a break.

It's about an hours drive out to Southold.
Within the first 20 min. of driving;
Houses became few and far between.
The roads got narrower.
The traffic lessened.
No more fast food restaurants.

Just Space.

Fields of green.
Tractor's
Mom & Pop Stores
Farm stands.
Vineyards.

Room for my mind to expand and space for my thoughts to grow.

Sometimes I forget how important it is to stay uncluttered.

Not just physically but spiritually.

When I feel crowded.
My thoughts get crowded.
My mind gets crowded.
My spirit gets burdened by the weight of it all.

There' no where for it all to go it just echo's through all the clutter both inside and outside of me.
Around and around the canyon's of my mind. Circling around and around in the limits of what I reduce my perspective to be at the moment.

But out here....that's not the case.

It's emptiness bursting with the natural flow of life in the most brilliant and simplistic display of design.....

Nature.

Passion exploding forth in the vibrant purple of the Hydrangea's
Calmness in the bright blue of the sky.
Hope in the sea of tiger lily's scattered through the fields of green.
Serenity in the wind dancing through the leaves of the trees.
Wonder in the sparkling stars in the black sky at night.

The elements necessary for my spiritual nourishment.

Sunshine for my soul.

Within it's emptiness lies the absolute essentials upon which my spirit will grow.


Until Tomorrow,

Mighty Morgan

Day 21.....

When I woke up this morning it was pouring.

Really pouring.

It seemed as if the the sky just opened up and emptied itself all at once.

Most people can't stand it when it's raining like that.
I even have days where I can't stand it.

But all in all I love the rain.

I stood in my Mother's garden letting it totally soak me.
I like the way the drops feel cool on my face.
It almost felt as if I was being washed of the past several days of constant running around.

The stress.
The lack of sleep.
The fight against the fear that threatens to consume me at times.

I'm shot right now.
I desperately need to re-charge myself but can't seem to find a moment to do so.

But I NEED to or I will fall apart at the seams.

There is so much good in my life at the moment and so much on it's way.
There is so much I need to completely focus on and there is always something to distract me.

I am so tired right now that I really don't even have the energy to write nor do I have the mental capacity to wrap my brain around much of anything at the moment.
I know that I will be up at the crack of dawn with my one year old nephew.

He's a sweet little baby....but he gets up early.
Which means I'll be getting up just as early as him.

When I worked as a bagel girl I used to have to get up before the sun each morning in order to get to work. The trade off was I got to see the sun paint the beginnings of day upon the last remnants of dawn's twilight.

The stillness of the morning at that time always brought such a sense of inner peace and understanding that life was so much more then the basic bump and grind that seemed to always be in the forefront.

Maybe it's time to see the sun rise again...because that bump and grind of life is wearing me out and at this moment in time it's all I see.

Goodnight.

Mighty Morgan

Organ Donation Awareness

Since 1995 I have carried an organ donation card in my wallet. In the
event that I die, it legally gives doctors permission to use my organs. All of them except my eyes.

I know that by donating organs, a person can give another "The gift of Life." But there are cases in which donated organs do not save lives due to some of the complications involved.

I could list the number of people waiting for donations.
I could write about why people should donate.
I could talk about why people in opposition should change their view.
But none of that serves to help the problem at hand.

Lack of Awareness.

Lack of people willing to participate in the many different ways available.
Lack of people with the knowledge of how to be a potential donor.

Whether one opposes the practice or supports it.
Whether it is right or wrong.

None of that holds any weight against those in the position of actually waiting for a potential donor that may save their life. The staggering amount of people waiting for organs
speaks volumes over any persons opinion of the controversies that may surround it.

I am in support of Organ Donation and the purpose for this post it to bring attention to the need for more awareness in this particular subject.

I choose to focus on the positive aspects of being a potential donor.

I won't tell touching stories of lives that were saved through organ donations.
I won't tell people they should believe what I believe in regards to organ donation.
I won't list the number of people waiting for potential donors.
I won't list the number of people who die waiting for an organ.

My only purpose is to provide anyone who may be interested in being a potential donor information in how they can do that. The following links can provide more information about the many different ways people can sign up to be potential donors.

I'm not a doctor.
I don't understand the procedures involved.

I won't pretend I'm an authority on a subject I have no personal experience with. There are appropriate agencies equipped for that purpose. Below are several links which can provide much more information on the many aspects of what is involved in Organ Donation.

If you would like to potentially be of service to another, please take a moment to explore the many different information that is readily available on the subject through these organizations.

Donate Life Created by the U.S. Health Resources and Services Administration and the Department of Health and Human Services.

New York Alliance for Donation A Congressional Field Hearing on Organ and Tissue Donation: A How-To Guide ... A brief history of The Partnership for Organ Donation

Organ Donation Created by the U.S. Health Resources and Services Administration and the Department of Health and Human Services.

The Living Bank National Organ and Tissue donor education, awareness, and registry. Non ... Organ donation helps ease pain

Organ Donation Anatomy Gifts Registry was established to serve as an organization that provides a cost-free whole body donation option while benefiting mankind by helping to progress medical science and education.

International Society for Organ Preservation The Society is dedicated to the advancement of the science and technique of organ preservation for transplantation, the dissemination of knowledge related to the fields of organ preservation and transplantation, and increasing public awareness of the benefits of organ donation.

Organ & Tissue Donation - Organ Donation Facts Find answers to commonly held myths about donation, read about the positive views of donation held by major religions, and discover the differences between non-living and living donation. Also, read about the diverse nature of the New York metropolitan area and how it impacts donation.

Day 19 & 20.....Home

I'm scared.

The past two days I have been back and forth between Queens and Long Island moving the last of my stuff. I walked around the empty apartment before I left; just taking a moment to really let it all set in that I was no longer going to be living there.

It was no longer my home.

I was voluntarily moving back to Crazy town.
I was going to be living with the Mayor of Crazy town who happens to be my Father.

I'm trying not to project or to set myself up but I know my Dad.

I know he's sick.
I know he doesn't mean to freak out.
I know he doesn't mean what he says.

His words are sharper then a knife......and cut you off right below the knees.

His verbal lashings have left there scars upon my spirit.

With just one of those blank, black-eyed hollow stares and I know that he's about to attack. I used to think he hated me; that I was such a fuck-up that there was no room in his heart to offer me any love.

I didn't know he was sick.
It was a secret.

There was so much I never knew about my Father because I grew up in a home of.....

"Pretend everything is normal."

No one ever told me he was crazy......I just though he was an incredibly mean son-of -a-bitch.

I only found out a few years ago what made my father the way he was. Doctors' have said that mental illness is just in our genes. But I know that it's more then that.

Life made my Father crazy.
Lack of love made my Father crazy.
Loss of hope made my Father crazy.
His Father's cruelty made him crazy.

I sometimes think of what his childhood was like. Growing up without a person in the world to show him love. My Grandfather would callously pass him on to anyone who would take him. Each new family letting him know he was not welcome. Reminding him daily that only reason he was staying with them is because my Grandfather had paid them.

I remember when my Father first read one of the Harry Potter books....he told us that was how he grew up.

But there was no Hogwart's that he could esacpe to.
No one to save him.
Nobody wanted him.
Nobody loved him.
There was no happy ending

Sometimes I wish I could just go back in time to find him.
To pull him out of the loveless world of his existence.
To hug the little boy he was.
To tell him I love him.
To tell him he mattered.

I used to hate my father and couldn't understand why he was the way he was. Now I find myself amazed at the fact that he gave me what he did.

Even knowing that he is ill and that he's going to freak out sooner or later. Doesn't make his words any less painful. He infects me with the burden of pain he's carried through his life.

He is toxic to me.

It's been two years since I've put myself in a place where I would have to deal with him on a daily basis. In the past few days I've treaded ever so lightly on the egg shells that his sanity is comprised of.....wondering if my next step will be the one that makes him crack.

I keep telling myself...this is temporary and I know it is.

I also know that everything happens for a reason.
I may not agree with the universe's timing for it's lessons of healing.
But I trust the process.

I know that there is such a long ways to go for me.
That this process is never ending.

As I heal from each aspect of the beliefs I have carried I discover there is more to be sorted through.

Each lesson leading me closer to who I want to be.
Freeing me from the person I've been.
Offering me the opportunity to be more then I could ever imagine.

Before I left my apartment I took a walk down to the beach.

One last Sun set before I go...........

I sat on a bench on the boardwalk watching in awe. The sky was ablaze; painted brushstokes of fiery pinks, oranges and reds swirling up through the last remnants of the day. The deep blues and purples of the evening seeping down with it's darkness disguised as twilight.

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath of the salty air one last time. Looked above to make one last wish on the first glimmer of a star in the night.

It was over.....

It was time to come home.


Until Tomorrow,
Mighty Morgan

Day 18...Eyes Wide Open

Life is weird.

In the midst of so much change there is a quiet tranquility emerging from a deeper understanding of the universe at large.

There are moments that come about in which little seeds of fear try to re-root and grow again.

But hope, faith and trust are excellent gardeners.

Still there are moments in which I still feel the driving urge to....

Do something.
Control something.
Force a solution.

Resistance wears many masks but I'm learning to allow the universe to show me the way past it's subtle disguises of good fortune.

It feels weird to not resist.

When I finally decided that I was going to move back to Long Island I got a call from the broker showing my apartment. The girl moving into the apartment wanted to make a deal. She offered me $200.00 if I could leave earlier because she needed to move earlier.

So I agreed.

I have often bent over backwards to make life easier for others not realizing I was making my life harder as well as uncomfortable.

The situation with this girl was one of those times.

I agreed because I honestly can use the money......at this point things are a bit tight and it would ease the financial tension that pops in to say hello more often then I would like.

I tend to go on what people tell me.
I have no reason to not trust or believe anything anyone tells me....

Until they give me a reason.

It started with the one phone call......

She told me she would stop by to give me the money.
She showed up with a contract instead.
I told her I wasn't going to sign anything and she would just have to trust me.
She wasn't thrilled about that.

I gave her the day I would move out and we agreed that I would get the money the same day.

She left me a message today and inquired slyly as to how the move was going. Sometime I laugh at how "unslick" people can be with there very obvious manipulation attempts to get information. I let her know that I would be out tomorrow as agreed.

Then she threw in that she could only to give me half the money and the rest later in the week.

I really wanted to react.
To do something to control the situation.
To force a solution.

Instead I gave myself a moment.......

Sometimes I just need to pray for the second between thoughts so I can respond and not react.

Because now I'm annoyed.

I changed all my plans to get out earlier thinking I was doing myself and her a favor.
Rushing around like a lunatic between Queens and Long Island.
Trying to get a million things done in the time slot of a few days.
Finding myself feeling frantic.
On and on and on my thoughts went.

It was the money that had me...

I get caught up in situations at times that I don't even realize that my energy is being sucked into a black hole. I was so focused on getting the money that I couldn't see past the very obvious truth that it wasn't worth it.

I was in the process of setting myself up.

Those lingering beliefs that still subtly chitter chatter in my mind silently driving my behavior.

I thought that I had to move because I said I would...
Since I said I would I would now have to.....
Feeling obligated because she was paying me...

Who makes up these rules that I run around like an idiot acting out?
Why does it take so long for me to see I'm not "feeling" the particular role I'm in?

I am in no way, shape or form obligated to anyone or anything except myself.

If a situation is causing me to feel uncomfortable it's most likely because it's not right for me.
It's not something that will serve me in feeling good about myself or others.
In fact I will eventually feel...

Annoyed.
Resentful
Angry.

I will point the finger and never look to see the three fingers pointing back at me.
(For those that don't get that...Just point your finger and look)

Everything begins and ends with me.

I let her know that if she couldn't pay me the money tomorrow then I couldn't guarantee that I could be out by the end of the month.

The game stops when one person stops playing.

I'm in no rush to move.
It's actually easier and less stressful to take my time.

Shit baby...it ain't my problem.

I don't want other peoples problems...I have enough of my own issues to sort out.

Initially I felt guilty.....I felt bad because I chose my sanity over hers.
Guilty because I chose what's right for me over making the situation comfortable for her.

I'm still learning how to be comfortable with other peoples uncomfortablility...
Slowly understanding it's all me.

No one has the power to make me feel or do anything.
It's all me.
I choose to feel.

I am not "feeling" this situation anymore.
I am not "feeling" how I have been stuck.
I am not "feeling" the fact that once again I willingly gave my power to something outside myself.

Sometimes I still beat myself up when I have to learn the same lesson....Again

and again
and again
and again.

Before I go Oooooooooooohhhhhhhh....Now I get it.

Now I get it...

I took my power back.
I took my energy back.
I took my choice back.

They belong to no one but me.


Until tomorrow,

Mighty Morgan

Just a lil something.....

I have found that the greatest aspect of online communities is the power of networking between fellow bloggers old and new. I have met some really amazing people that have helped me tremendously in my daily trek through my 30 day experiment.

I am someone that will help out as many people as I can.
In anyway that I can.
If it's something that has the potential for all things positive.

Because I believe that what you put out is what you get back.
I don't do it because I'm self-centered and want more for myself...
I do it because that's the type of world I want to be part of...
So I do my part to have my world be a reflection of that.

I was browsing through one of the online communities I'm part of and ventured over to view the profile of a new friend I had started communicating with a few days back.

There are many blogs that I know nothing about and don't feel comfortable leaving comments just for the heck of it. But I do make an effort to vist sites and comment if appropriate for me to do so and if not I just leave a hello on their profile. It allows me to still meet a lot of great bloggers as well as form some sort of relationship regardless of the different contents of our blogs.

Because of this i had the opportunity to meet Aayush author of several blogs but for this post I want to mention his newest lil baby........ Blogging Den.

According to Aayush the idea behind Blogging Den is as follows...

"This blog is an effort to unite all my fellow blogger friends ! Let me explain the concept of Blogging Den..

I will add authors to this blog, who will in turn promote their blogs at blogging den. They can also submit posts about any topic they find interesting. They can tag their blogs under their relevant category.

The blog authors will be free to promote their current blogs..quite obviously..and tag their blogs, along with their friends' blogs."

I thought that this was an awsome idea and I so I joined.

If I could I would sit here all day and just rant and rave about all the incredible people I've met.
as well as the amazing ideas and concepts they write about I would never leave this computer.

But that's not what this blog is about so it makes me very happy that I have somewhere that I can now do that.

He also put a little quote on his site which I adore and find so true...

"United we Stand...Divided we Fall"

I also left him a comment about...

"Through service WE grow."

If anyone else is interested in joining in on this "New" Community he's created please visit
Blogging Den and check it out.

Day 17...Stepping through the door.

I haven't written because I've been moving from my apartment back out to my parents house in Long Island. It's a bit of a distance between both locations so much of my time has been occupied with driving and sitting in traffic.

I don't know about anyone else in this world but when I'm driving I'm in la-la land. Some of my craziest, kookiest ideas happen during this time. That's how I came up with this experiment.

I'm also very guilty of having conversations with myself as I drive.

I don't know why.
Half the time I don't even realize I'm doing it.

I tend to become aware that I am having a full on conversation with myself when I stop at red lights and notice the person in the car next to me.

All of a sudden I get real self conscious and will pretend I'm talking on my cell phone so the person in the car next to me doesn't think I'm totally nuts.

But I do have a bit of the "Nut" factor in me.
I'm okay with that...it makes my life more interesting and at times very chaotic.

So I'm having a conversation with myself trying to really determine what I want to do in life.

I know I'm not okay with sitting in an office trading 40 + hours of my time, energy and life so that the boss can go on vacation every month while I struggle to stay above water.

Did that.
Not Interested.

I know I don't want to go back to school again to find another career that bores the hell out of me.

So I asked myself,

"Self.....What do you want to do?"

and of course I answer myself.......

"I want to write."

When I was in rehab two years ago I met a man by the name of "The Rev."
He ran a few of the workshops in the rehab. I have been through so many different types of facilities and drug treatment programs and they all gave me the same information.

I had the information..it wasn't enough.

I needed understanding.
I needed comprehension.
I needed it to be said in a way that it hadn't been said before.

He was the man that did this....as he quotes,

"The clarity of my words are inescapable...they pierce the heart of understanding."

Now this was not any type of Reverend I ever met before....totally different.
The first time I met him he told us all...

"I don't preach at the first church of the nicy nice.
This ain't for the little old lady who sits in the first pew with hands folded, this is for addicts and alcoholics spoken in the language of the streets."

He has quietly touched and saved so many lives with his words.

He saved my life.

I lived a life of active addiction.
I know the ways of the streets.
I know how to manipulate the best of them.
I know how to be whoever I need to be in a moment to get what I want.
I know how to hide within myself.....so who I am can't be revealed.

He saw past it all.
He saw directly into the deepest parts of my being.
He saw my dreams.
My hopes.

In his workshops we HAD to fill out worksheets.

It was a requirement or you would get kicked out of the facility. So I listend and would write up a storm of comments and questions, I was on my best behavior.

I had gone so far down into the muck and misery of addiction that I was willing to do whatever I had to in order to stay clean, even the annoying worksheets

After one workshop he called me to the side and said he wanted to talk to me. I thought I had done something wrong because that's the only reason someone wanted to talk to me about something.

I followed him into his office sat down and waited.
He looked at me and told me,

"In all the years I have been doing these workshops I have never seen anyone write the way you do. You capture the concepts of the workshops and communicate my message perfectly."

"If you stay clean...If your interested I would like for you to translate my workshops into a book and we'll get it published."

That simple statement kept me clean for the first few months.
I didn't tell a soul because I was terrified that if I said it out loud it wouldn't come true.

I've stayed in touch with him for the past two years, just letting him know I was still doing good. He would send me his workshops as well as books for me to explore. But I have been so caught up in the drama of my life that I haven't spoken to him for a bit.

But I have been thinking about him constantly.

Gotta call the Rev.
Gotta write the Rev.
Gotta check in with the Rev.

Like I said I have conversations with myself as I drive.....
I had just finished explaining to myself that I wanted to write.

Two minutes later I get a call from the Rev.
He wants to meet and talk about the book he's writing.

I met him this morning for breakfast.
He told me about the book he was finishing that would be ready for publication by fall.
Told me about the website he was creating to make his workshops available online.
He asked if I wanted to come on board and work with him on it.

I told him of my journey through the past two years.
The understanding I came to.
The insight I have gained.
The experiment I was in the middle of.

We finished breakfast and made plans to meet in about two weeks to outline the particular details of it all.

Oh yeah.....

Did I forget to mention.......

I'll also be meeting with his publishers on the book deal he worked out for me?

Is it possible to totally transform one's life in the course of 30 days in such a way that can only be described as a miracle?

I think the answer is becoming clearer then the bright blue of the morning sky as each day passes.

Until tomorrow,
Mighty Morgan

Just a small introduction to my Dad

Before I get to day 17 I have to share a little story about my Dad.

He's just as screwed up as most people in this world and has created quite a bit of internal damage within me through the years.

But he is one funny bastard.

It's about 10:45pm and he want to just go to sleep.
But theres a bunch of kids hanging around the front yard because of a block party thats going on.

Some would simply go outside and ask them to maybe quiet down or move away...

But that's not my Dad.

He has his own way of communicationg with the world.
He zoomed out of his bedroom, stopped in looked at me on the computer and simply said...

"Gotta water the lawn"

I ignore him because half the time I'm not on the same train his thoughts are running on.

A few minutes later I hear shrieking outside, he comes back up the stairs and tells me...

"Your brother installed the sprinkler system perfectly."

Hi My Name is Morgan and I'm a Schmoozer

(Addicts & Alcoholics will get that.)

It’s official I am a schmoozer.


I told my Mom she could put it on the shelf with all my many

Rehab Completion Awards & Arrest Reports ….

She didn’t think it was funny.
I did.

So what is the “Power of Schmooze” award…

Created by Mike at Ordinary Folk and Danielle at Pink Reviews this award helps
“recognize those people that were [are] exceptionally adept at creating relationships with other bloggers by making an effort to be part of a conversation, as opposed to monologue.”


The rules? Below:

-If, and only if, you get the Thinking Blogger Award or The Power of Schmooze Award, write a post with links to 5 blogs that make you think, or have schmoozed you into submission.

-Link to this post and Mike so that people can easily find the exact origin of the meme

-Optional: Proudly display the ‘Thinking Blogger Award’ or ‘The Power of Schmooze Award’ with a link to the post that you wrote.

This award was passed on to me by the wonderful and amazingly sweet Kemari, author of Phattitudes. Defined by her as “the way you feel about yourself, the way you present yourself to the world and the way you allow the world to affect you.”

Her positive message promotes a refreshing outlook on all aspects of life. Inviting readers to embrace the optimistic aspects everywhere in order to seize the opportunities that negativity often hides from us.

The award was passed on to her from another amazing woman......

the one and only Wonder Woman of DiSjoiNteD IntelLigenCE.

The idea behind the award is to help new (me) and established (not me yet) bloggers to be acknowledged. Not only for their blogs, but also for their willingness to step out and make friends and network with other bloggers old and new.

There are to say it bluntly there are … A LOT of blogs.

In the multitude of so many one can easily get lost in the mix. But those that make an effort to reach out to socialize and establish positive relationships with others stand out.
Thus the award is a powerful message that recognizes the importance of developing relationships with bloggers from the many different communities as well as the world of blogs at large.

I feel very honored and proud to be recognized for my ability to Schmooze.
(I knew one day my dope fiend wit and skill would serve a higher purpose.)

So with my new “Power of Schmooze.” I proudly pass it on to the following Bloggers who have welcomed me into this new world and who deserve to be recognized.

Drumroll please…………..

1-Bev- The author of Perpetual Expressions. One woman’s journey as she states, “… about learning to passionately walk in God's Grace and stumbling along the way.” I love this girl! She freely shares her own journey of finding her path including the bumps and bruises she encounters along the way. Open and honest, her gentle words of encouragement have supported me my own journey. She’s Schmoozed her way into my heart to which I am so grateful.

2-Sibba-The kind and gentle author of Seeing is Believing and Believing is Seeing. An insightful blog dedicated to helping others achieve a life that is one that is a reflection of a life lived in harmony with ones self. Sibba has an amazing way of breaking down complex ideas into simple steps that are realistic and practical. Kind and generous she has offered her schmooze in my own processes of understanding.

3-Christina- Kooky, quirky and passionate for Sir Paul McCarntney and all things “Beatles”. Christina authors the Blog Sir Paul McCartney & The Beatles Guest Band Purplemelon as well as The Beatles and Eveyone that Loves Them. Her humor and free spirit has allowed me to discover everything in the known universe in regards to the Beatles. Her willingness to ask questions as well as her ability in developing relationships by networking is a definite “Schmooze” quality.

4-Billy Warhol- With an amazing sense of humor. Billion Dollar Baloney speaks volumes of Billy’s wit as he put it by openly and freely displaying his" rants on Flickr Photos Booze Babes Party People Music Fashion Sex Peace Love Politics Religion Fun Art Rock and Roll!"
“Does anyone know where any Eskimos are….because Billy’s got some ice he wants to sell”

When it comes to “Schmoozing” hands down he’s the king and when it comes to support his crazy and wacky words of encouragement make me smile.

5-Richard Pauley- All things MMA is what you'll find at Ultimate MMA Video Blog . From opposite ends of the spectrum I collided with Richard in a social network community.
He may "scour the net for the best MMA videosfighting" and blog about the world of MMA. But deep down inside he’s a gentle guy whose has shared openly and honestly his own struggles in life and because of this I proudly pass some schmooze his way!


To these Five Amazing Bloggers and Schmoozers…Congratulations and Pass it On!

Day 15.....Halfway Where?

I hate moving.

There is no other way I can look at it.

It just sucks.

I try to think of all the good and positive aspects of leaving this place.
But those thoughts melt into the sweat pouring off of me as I lug my stuff down three flights of steps.

I hate moving.

I’m half out of my old life and half in my new life.

One foot in the past.
One foot in the future.

I’ve lived in this apartment for a year now and I look back on the year and wonder where the hell it went.

I know that it was part of my process as well as part of the healing process.

This was the first time in 12 years that I lived on my own.
No jumping from place to place with each new boyfriend.

It was the first time I actually stopped long enough at my life to see that the way I had lived in the past was no a way I wanted to live again.

I always NEEDED someone or shall I put it more bluntly to say I always had to have a man around to let me know what I was worth.

Reviewing my choices of men in the past it’s very obvious that I had not thought that highly of myself.

I always though the next guy would be better.

More respectful.
More honest.
More loving.
More committed.

I couldn’t see at the time I chose the exact same guy each time.

The only thing that changed was the name.

I relinquished my self worth by shaping myself into what I thought they wanted me to be.

I thought this was how you got love.

On July 15th it will be exactly one year since I had sex.

One year since I stopped bartering my self-esteem on the affections of men.
One year since I took my power back to KNOW I was worth more then a one night stand.
One year since I stopped believing that I could extract a commitment by sleeping with them.

GEEEEZ…….. it’s been a year since I had sex.

I am in no way, shape or form a born again virgin.

Please don’t think that’s what I’m trying to convey here.
I’m just talking about how I healed from the mis-information I held about what love was.

For so long I really thought if I could just find that other half of me I would be okay.

That I wouldn’t feel so worthless.
That I wouldn’t feel so lonely.
That I wouldn’t feel so empty.

But with every new guy and every failed expectation of him being “The One.”.

I settled for less and less.
I felt less and less.
I lost hope.

Karl was the guy I last slept with; my ex-boyfriend of six years.

He was the first man that showed me how to smoke crack.
I was the first woman to stick a needle in his arm.

Talk about LOVE.

In the past how I got over a relationship was by jumping into the next one.
It never worked out to well.

Ending a relationship is sometimes harder then death.

You know that they are still alive.

Somewhere.
Doing something.
With God knows whom.

It leaves a hole in your gut that only time can heal.

It took a long time.

There were so many
Days.
Nights.
Moments.

I just wanted to return his calls and tell him that I was okay with being a booty call.
That I was okay with him treating me like a cheap hooker……

As long as he told me he loved me.

But like so many other points in my life something inside told me I was worth more

That I deserved more.
That there was more.

But only if I allowed myself to let go of what I believed in order to make room for the truth.

I wasn’t to be bartered.
I wasn’t to be used.
I wasn’t willing to settle for scraps anymore.

It’s funny how when you let go……..
What you let go of decides to hold on.

I dealt with the phone calls.
I dealt with the false promises.
I dealt with the “But you’re my best friend.”
I dealt with the “I miss you.”
I dealt with the “I need you.”

Then I got tired of it all.

I didn’t want to play the stupid game anymore and the game stops when you stop playing.

I didn’t believe him.
I didn’t consider him a friend.
I didn’t miss him.

And I certainly didn’t NEED him.

So I discovered how to get rid of him all together….

I borrowed a large sum of money and swore I would repay him.

BUT instead I....

Didn't fufill the empty promise I made to him.
Didn’t call him the next day.
Didn’t answer his calls.

I really didn't care.....

I just sent him a text message and told him…

“Now YOU know what it’s liked to get f*cked”

I know not the most spiritual thing……

But damm it makes me smile.


Until Tomorrow,
Mighty Morgan

Day 14.......Never Alone

For much of my life I felt alone.
I thought nobody understood.
I thought I was different.

It took quite a long time for me to realize that I wasn’t so different then anyone else in this world and in fact I was more like others then I thought.



I didn’t see the similarities because I was so focused on the differences.


Backgrounds.
Religions.
Belief Systems.
Education.
Lifestyle Choices.
Professions.

The diverse, uniqueness displayed within each and every person collectively representing the sum of us all.

Pieces of me…pieces of you.

A puzzle is nothing without all the different pieces that make it whole.

I started this blog 14 days ago. It was the first steps in me creating a life that resonated as a life I choose to live. An experiment for me to discover if anything was truly possible. To find if the intention I set out into the universe at large was something that could become a possibility within my life.

It has.

I’ve discovered that there are so many loving and caring people in this world, from every:

Background.
Religion.
Belief System.
Education Level.
Lifestyle Choice.
Profession.

People I don’t know.
People who I would never have had the opportunity to know.
People whose path would have never crossed mine, had I not started on this journey.

Words cannot express my gratitude.

So simply I say thank you from the deepest parts of my being to every person standing on the sidelines of my life cheering me on. Whose encouraging words have continuously gently and lovingly nudged me forward on this journey …and whose support continues to let me know….

I am never ALONE.

Billion Dollar Baloney
http://www.billiondollarbaloney.blogspot.com/

Ultimate MMA Video Blog United States
http://mmafightvideos.blogspot.com/

GO! Smell the flowers United Arab Emirates
http://www.gosmelltheflowers.com/blog

Perpetual Expressions United States
http://www.perpetualgrace.org/blog

Ross Hetherington United Kingdom
http://www.rosshetherington.com/

Phattitudes United States
http://phattitudes.com/

Sales Performance
Management United Kingdom
http://www.salesvisiononline.com/blog/pt/blog

Seeing is Believing
and Believing is Achieving United States
http://sibbia.wordpress.com/

Tiziano Mainieri Photoblog Italy
http://tiziozep.blogspot.com/

ClearlyEnlight United States
http://clearlyenlight.com/

The MMA Realist United States
http://mmarealist.blogspot.com/

"Sleeping Kitten
- Dancing Dog!" United States
http://skdd.wordpress.com/

InsideMag
http://www.insidemag.net/

Expecting Executive United States
http://blogspot.expectingexecutive.com/

All for Adsense United States
http://all4adsense.blogspot.com/

Odlum Online United States
http://www.odlumonline.com/

LaughnRoll Malaysia
http://quantumlaughs.blogspot.com/

Mazingerkid Florida : Argentina
http://mazingerkid.blogspot.com/

Light out for
darker skies South London : United Kingdom
http://machinesflyoveryou.blogspot.com/

harleyblues Bay Area : United States
http://harleybluesblog.blogspot.com/

Life and Times
of a Gay Man In Idaho Idaho : United States
http://geoff40.blogspot.com/

Mind Body Spirit
And Fluttering Thoughts Kuala Lumpur : Malaysia
http://francoyong.blogspot.com

Cosmic Photo Art
and Pen and Ink Drawings California : United States
http://artbygreglunger.blogspot.com/

Agloco—
Best Program Ever Malaysia
http://agloco-affiliates.blogspot.com/

Lanne
http://laaneworld.blogspot.com/

Maryannaville United States
http://maryannaville.blogspot.com/

Blackholes and astrostuff Saskatoon : Sk. : Canada
http://blackholesandastrostuff.blogspot.com/

ATYOURSERVICE
http://atyourservie.blogspot.com/

KrpMag –
Music Lover's Blog Thailand
http://www.krpmag.com/

Notes of an Asian
Gastronomist
http://dharmagypsy7.wordpress.com/

WalksFarWoman United States
http://www.walksfarwoman.wordpress.com/

Life in the Fast Lane
http://www.fastlanetransport.ca/blog


I also need to give a extra special thanks to the one and only

Wonder Woman

author of Disjointed Intelligence.
http://disjointedintelligence.blogspot.com/

Who presented me today with the Rockin Blogger Girl Award.

To let me know

“I Rock”






But thank you all for letting me "ROCK"

Geeeeeez you all make me cry.

Sniff Sniff…

Thanks

Until Tomorrow,

Mighty Morgan

Day 12 & 13 ……..Filling the empty spaces.

I spent Saturday evening into Sunday morning at the emergency room with my sister. She had a mastectomy two weeks ago and is still in the process of healing.
Before I sat down to write my post on day twelve I checked in on her to see if she needed any more pain medication.

She didn’t feel well.
She had the chills mixed up with a slight fever.
The tubes that were inserted to drain the wound were leaking.
My mother and I decided that she needed to go to the emergency room.

My sister and I never really had what you call a close relationship. We’ve tried over the years to do what we could to have more of a bond. But for some reason or another we just couldn’t see past our differences to see how similar we really were.

She never understand the choices I made in life.
Never understood why I couldn’t just stop doing heroin.
Why I couldn’t just seem to get a grip.

I never understood why she was so tough on me.
Never understood the choices she made.
Why she could never stop for a minute to see life was more then her perspective.

Regardless of our differences…she was always there for me.

A few years back she had come to pick me up from one of my many visits to detox. But I wasn’t there. I had signed myself out several days prior.

She waited in the parking lot with a bouquet of flowers and I never showed.

My family is my family.

We didn’t grow up in a house of hugs and kisses.
Love was a thing we signed birthday cards with.
We didn’t talk of our feelings.
We all just sort of assumed.

It just wasn’t part of who we were……… then.

When she was diagnosed in late November with Breast Cancer.
Our family fell apart at the seams.
None of us could handle it.
None of us could understand it.

My sister on the other hand was and is amazing.

Up until the mastectomy she did cancer like she had a minor case of the Flu.
In-between the rounds of doctor appointments and the sessions of chemotherapy she went on with her life in such a way that it seemed she had never been diagnosed.

I never really took any responsibility in being more of a member of my family. I put the responsibility on them thinking that somehow and in someway they would become the loving and caring family I see others have.

My family is my family.
I love my family.

Since her diagnosis, I have been forced to take a look at myself. To really become aware of what I do to make sure the people in my life know how much they mean to me.

At first it was really uncomfortable.
To tell my sister I loved her was such a foreign thing.
It felt strange.
It still feels awkward to give my Father a hug.

The most important thing I have learned in my life is that I need to be responsible for what I do and do not do.

It’s not up to anyone else to make it easier for me.
Make me feel comfortable about it.
To do it for me.

It’s just up to me.

We drove to the emergency room in relative silence. For the most part we never have much to say to each other except small talk and funny memories of our family when we were younger.

Essentially we are strangers.

I hate that she has cancer.
I hate that little thought that tries to enter my mind that this disease will kill her.
I hate that it took this for me to realize how much I love her.

I know that everything happens for a reason. I keep looking for the reason why she has cancer. The only thing I can come up with at this point in time is that it’s the universes way of letting her know that she needs to re-evaluate her life.

I see how it has brought myself as well as my family the opportunity to finally let us all freely express our love for one another as awkward as it may be at times.

I drove her back to her home in Brooklyn Sunday night.
I helped her upstairs.
Put my three-year-old niece to bed.
Turned on her AC.
Turned on the TV.
Set up her bed.
Placed a little table next to her.
Poured her a glass of ice water to take her medications with.

I made sure she was comfortable and that she was okay before I headed back home.
Right before I left and we said goodbye…..

She told me she loved me
and without a pause I told her I loved her too.

It’s about filling in the empty spaces reserved for love.

Until Tomorrow,

Mighty Morgan

Day 11... Getting Ahead

My whole life I struggled to get ahead.

I tried every belief I carried in order to reap the promise of....

Security.
Wealth.
Happiness.
Peace of mind.

The results never reflected anything close to what I believed.
I didn't know I was missing a piece of the puzzle....

In order to get ahead.........You must first get even.

Until you get even you can never get clear.

I've been back at home, where I grew up for the past week.
I guess you can term that my "hometown".
It's been very healing in that it has fully allowed me to leave the emotional charge sparked earlier in this experiment when in my apartment.

To much inner emotional turmoil had polluted the space. If I would have stayed it would have slowly leaked back into me; enticing me with lies of the past once again.

I couldn't get clear there.
I couldn't get even there.

My family thinks I'm totally nuts.
They don't get what I'm trying to do.
I don't try to explain anymore.
They can't handle it.

I'm so okay with what I'm doing that at moments I wonder if I am totally nuts. But then a gentle reminder from the universe nudges me in it's subtle way through...

People.
Places.
Situations.
Moments.

I was standing in a sea of flowers that is my Mother's garden.
The sun was streaming from above dancing down with the raindrops.

A sunshower.

It's said you can't appreciate the sun without the rain.
You also can't appreciate the rain without the sun.

I love them both.

I'm heading back to Queens tomorrow.
I have no desire to stay there any longer.
I really never want to go back but I want a few things to take on this journey with me.

I still have no idea where I am going to live in 19 days and it doesn't phase me a bit. There are so many options and I don't want to limit myself by choosing an exact destination.

I only know that I want to be back on the Island.
I want to continue writing.
I want to continue with my artwork.
I want to continue to embrace the freedom I have granted myself.

When I started this experiment I wanted to measure it through people who would visit a page on one of my sites to get a little angel


But that was too rigid it didn't allow room for anything else And what has come about in the past 11 days speaks volumes more of the guidelines I had put into place.

I now allow myself to be flexible enough to "groove" with the ebb and flow of the universal tides.

I haven't checked my e-mails from the site for the past week so I was a bit shocked to see I had about 40 requests for this little angel.

But I have received 100's of e-mails of...

Support.
Love.
Inspiration.

That's the hit.

But I would of never known that had I not first gotten clear.
Had I not allowed healing to occur.
Had I not allowed myself to get even.

Had I not allowed the Universe at large to gently breath faith into my spirit.

Anything is possible once I allow it to be.


Until tommorow,
Mighty

Day Ten....Finding My Way.

I started this journey with an idea mind and have found that it has turned into something so much more then I could have every conceived.

I wanted to change my life.
I wanted something more.
I wanted meaning.
I wanted purpose.

What I've discovered in the past ten days is all this has already happened.
I just needed to stop for a moment to see this.

I'm a pretty simple chic whose very complicated.

I just want to be happy.

I used to believe that if I could just change the world.
To make others act the way I wanted them to.
To rid the world of things I labeled wrong.

I would be O.K.

But it wasn't the world that needed to conform.
I had uni-laterally made the world at large a victim of my own expectations. In the end I was miserable and the world went on exactly the way it always does.

In perfect synchronicity.

Gandhi said,

"Be the change you wish to see in the world."

I never really fully got the full meaning behind that statement..... but now I do. It's not about slinging what I believe or trying to sway others to what I think the world should be. It's just about doing my part as a human being to be what I would like to see more of in the world.

Love.
Kindness.
Generosity.
Patience.
Laughter.

If there was total perfection....the creative juices would never flow.

I would never look to re-create myself.
I would never strive to be more then I was a moment ago.
I would never explore all there is to be revealed.

I was what I term a "Bagel" girl for many years.

I hated it.
I felt embarrassed.
I felt unworthy.
I felt that I was too educated to be doing "that" type of work.

But I wasn't.

I missed the message that appeared to me daily.
I missed the opportunity to be more of what I wanted to see in the world.
I was so caught up in myself that I couldn't see the power I held.

A lot of older people would come in every single day.
At the same time.
Order the same exact thing.
Sit all by themselves staring out the window.

Shadows..they were shadows.

Most of them had been forgotten.

I started to see them as more then "pain in the ass" old people.
I started to see pieces of my own loneliness reflected in them.
I started to see they too wanted the same thing I wanted in life.

For someone to notice them.
Say "Hello" to them.
For anyone to let them know they mattered.
That they existed.

I felt the same way.

I started to make it a point to go out of my way for that extra smile.
I started to give them the love I wanted.

I ended up with quite a little following.
They waited for me.
They told me I was never allowed to leave the job.
They thanked me for taking the time to show I cared.

Initially I didn't.
It was more an act of "I feel bad for them"

But it wasn't them I felt bad for....it was me.

I miss them.

They taught me so much about the kindness and compassion that I desperately needed in my own life......in order to see more kindness and compassion in my world.

The world didn't have to change, just my part in it.

A man by the name "Rev" once told me,

"You are the message for the people God brings before you."

And I am.

Today I decided to smile and say hello to each and every person that crossed my path.

Who hasn't had their heart warmed by the gentle kindness of a strangers smile when they needed it the most?

Some were pleasantly shocked and stopped for a quick exchange.
Others were just freaked out and gave me weird looks as they scurried by. (I do live in NY)

Either way I know that today I was......

Love.
Kindness.
Generosity.
Patience.
Laughter.

I was the change I wished to see in the world and strangely enough the world changed.

Until tomorrow,

Mighty

Day Nine....Putting the peices together

It was my older sister that found me floating face down in the water.

I don't remember anything except coming to.
I was only Two at the time.

My family reminds me of how I cried when they ripped the pool down the following day.

It seems that my whole life I've been trying to get back to that moment in time thinking it was something I could find in the here and now.

Realizing many years later that the moment had past and with it much of my life.

I feel different.

Something inside has shifted and the fear that once ruled is for the moment quiet. As I continue to put one foot in foot in front of the other I know in time I will look back to see the distance I've traveled.

To see the healing that has occurred.

My sister had a mastectomy 10 days ago.

I look at her life and wonder what the meaning is behind it all is.
When she was diagnosed in November I was consumed with guilt.
I couldn't wrap my brain around it.

Why wasn't it me?

I had voluntarily tried to destroy myself on a moment to moment basis for over 12 years.

She had just had her second child four months earlier.
She had played by the rules.
She was a productive member of society.
It wasn't supposed to be her.

I have learned that life presents itself to each person in only the way they can comprehend. Each situation the ultimate opportunity for choosing a better way of life.

A better way of being.
A path that brings us closer to who we really are.

Addiction was my reality.
Cancer is her's.

My hope for her is the same hope I hold for myself.
That she will choose to take another look.
To see the patterns that have prevailed.
To see that change must take place.

I wasn't sure about the direction I wanted to take on this journey.
There was so much that just could not be taken with me.
Now that I've let it go it's easier to move.

One foot.
One second.
One moment.

I move forward to embrace the little girl I left floating face down in the pool so many years ago.
Gently taking her little hand in mine I look down to see her smile.

One foot.
One second.
One moment.

We move forward together.
As one.
Into the future that has been waiting patiently for our arrival.


Until Tomorrow,
Mighty

Day Eight...The Journey Forward

I know where I stand upon the road map of my life.

I could never move in any direction till this was clear.

It's clear.

I've been pondering of where it is I would like to live.

Did I want to stay in Queens?
Did I want to move back to Long Island?

I'm 33 years old, single and I have the freedom and choice to live anywhere I choose. I left Long Island two years ago because I couldn't seem to get out of the cycle of active addiction I was caught up in.

I left everything here and built a new life for myself.

But it's time to come home.

Something is drawing me back here.
The power it used to have no longer has me in it's grips anymore.
I don't see the past here any more; Only the promise of what the future holds and the hope that wells within me.

I met up with a few people in recovery this evening.
I was welcomed with big smiles and warm hugs of love.

Something is telling me to come back.

I've learned that the voice within is the voice that loving guides
me in this journey of rediscovering myself.

Something is stirring within.
Something is being processed.
Something is about to be revealed.

Tomorrow is the 4th of July.
Independence Day.
A celebration of freedom.

I am free.
Life is amazing.

I visited the blog "Go Smell the Flowers" the other day.
Some days I forget to stop & smell the flowers.
To just stop and soak in the moment of perfection that is around me in every moment.

I was sitting on a tree stump looking at a field of tiger lilies dancing in the wind on a sea of green; trying to put words to together to describe it's beauty.

But there are no words to express the brilliance of natures brush stokes upon this canvas of life.


Until tomorrow,
Mighty Morgan

Day Seven...Awakening

I just was outside lying on the grass looking above as the stars waltzed across the midnight sky.

The more I let go of the more I am allowing myself to remember who it is I am.
Because at some point in time I decided that who I was wasn't good enough.

Smart Enough.
Tall Enough.
Pretty Enough.
(Fill in the Blank) Enough

I didn't want to be me.

I was scared to be me.

Who planted the seed in me that I wan't good enough?
And why did I allow it to grow so out of control within me?

667 days ago was the last time I stuck a needle in my arm.

7 days ago I gave myself permission be exactly who I wanted to be.

Myself.

It's late and I need to get sleep......

Until Tommorow,

Mighty Morgan

Day Six..Another Look

It's strange how things can look so different from one moment to the next. Sometimes I forget to just take another look at:

People
Places.
Things.
Circumstances.

I forget that I have a choice.

I call it...

"Stuck in stupid...parked in dumb"

There are so many things from the past that still linger in the form of shame & guilt that force my head down so I don't have to look another human being in the eye.

Because if you see into me you will see these things I carry.

I stopped blaming other people for the condition of my life..
But I haven't reached a place where I stop blaming myself.

The reason I finally made a choice to get clean is when I took another look.

Another look at myself.
Another look at my life.
Another look at who I wasn't.
Another look as to who I didn't want to be.

I am so clear on who I don't want to be......
But giving myself permission to be who I am is sometimes the struggle.

I begin to settle for ordinary..when deep inside I know I'm extraordinary.

This process is a bit more revealing then I had thought it would be.
I know all things are possible...but what are the possibilities.

What is it I am trying to acheive?
Who do I want to be when I grow up?

Somewhere along the line I forgot who I wanted to be when I grew up.
But the whole thing about forgetting something is that you never really forget.

It stays with you knawing away at the subconscoius searching and searching....
Until all at once you remember......

I wanted to be me.

That happy little girl that spun around on her front lawn till she was dizzy and sick.
Who laid in the soft sweet grass watching the parade of clouds float across the bright blue of the sky through the shifting branches of the trees above.

Simplicity
Bliss
Wonder
Awe

Once you know..you can't not know.

My nephew James taught me how to play Spiderman today.

Him in a mask.
Me in flip flops.

Running around the backyard like two loons laughing like there was no tommorow.

Now that I remember..there's no turning back.

Nor any reason why I would want to.

Until tommorow
Mighty