Losing it all

Here I am 15 lbs. lighter in 8 weeks and super duper excited! If I can lose that in 8 weeks time, imagine how much more I can lose if I stick with it! Now that motivates me to continue doing this whole low-carb lifestyle thing.

At first the reasons behind why I was trying it out was simply to lose the weight, but I have found that I lost a lot more in this short amount of time. Many of my so called "emotional" blocks as well as "spiritual" blocks seems to have been lifted to some degree.

What I means is that life feels inspiring again. It still has it's up's annd downs in the moment, but overall and in general my sense of self and well being feel lighter and lifted into a better state of being.

I know..that's sort of spacey, but how I feel none the less.

I started another blog... Mighty Delighty, it's all about my cupcakes and my passion for decorating them; I'm giving a go at trying build a business from home, because for now baking works. Ironically enough I make the most killer cupcakes and baked goods and yet I don't even dare to take the smallest lick of the batter or the tiniest bite of a cupcake. I'm just not willing to fall off this wagon I'm on for a taste of the deadly sweet.

So till my next weigh in.....

Where do I begin?

Okay, first things first.....I am still eating the low-carb way of life. My total intake of carbs is still at approximately 20 grams or less per day, I am still hitting the gym 4-5 times per week AND I am losing inches....I didn't write weight, because surprisingly enough my scale broke last week and I can not longer use that as a measurment system.

Thank goodness, because honestly it was doing more harm than good. Working with a tape measure is so much more encouraging ,although I do admit I still obsess over "what" I might weigh at this point in time. Now with all that out of the way, I'm certain that I don't know where to begin, so I will just write and see what happens.

I am 37 years old, I have an associates degree, several mismanaged attempts at degree based careers, a lot of college credits,two young children, one man I am to marry at some point in time and I NEED to figure out what I want to do for my life. I have people pushing me back in the direction of college, then I have the others that tell me I need to get a job part time to re-discover myself outside of the home and the role of Mother, then I have the others that tell me.....

Follow your heart....I like those the best.


I know I have been caught up in the role of Mother for the past few years and as of late I have been trying desperately to re-discover myself, this blog being a huge part of that journey once again. But what I have found is that I am impressionable, especially when highly emotional charged. Ideas that seemed as pleasant as chewing glass and drinking bleach, seem almost an escape clause to my life when I'm in the midst of an emotional upheaval. Hence the divided camps of supporters that have been rallying me to go back to school and/or get a job. Sounded great at the moment, but much less appealing right now. I'm not sure of a lot of things, but there is one thing I am sure of....


I have an insane desire to create or I believe I will go mad.


So what do I do with this driving force...sometimes, I write, I used to draw...now I bake and decorate things......I LLLLLLOOOOOVVVVVEEEEEE  to do it. And I think that is a direction I can go in, but then again...I do not know where to begin.....but I know even in that, it's a beginning of some sort, or at the very least a subtle way of taking charge of whats in my heart and letting God lead me the rest of the way. But for now, that is all!!

Finding Time

When I started this whole "I'm gonna write again" thing, I definitely did not realize how challenging it would be to squeeze a few extra moments out of the day in order to do it.

Because it's been a challenge.

Between taking care of two small children, getting to the gym, watching what I eat, keeping up with the house work, paying all the bills on time and then doing whatever other menial tasks pop up;by the time I have a few minutes to write, it's the last thing I want to do.

But I think about it all the time, I really do.

But when push comes to shove, I for the most part choose to zone out with whatever new book I am reading at the moment. But that's not to say that I am not commited to this life change that I am completely and fully imeshed within at the moment...

Because I am, committed that is.

As of late I have been doing as much research as possible in order to really understand the dynamics of my body, my metabolism and what I can do to be the best I can be. And let me tell you there is a lot of information out there...A LOT. Some of it resonates with me, some doesn't peak my interest at all, but none the less, I am taking the time to see what other people's experiences have been with the many different type of low carb living eating lifestyles that are abound. This tends to keep me focused and allows me to try different things.

On another note...I seemed to have stalled in regards to my weight loss. I wasn't really sure why or what could have been causing it, but a few back steps and I realized what happened. I had to stop eating the Atkins bars. As wonderful as they are, they are stalling my weight loss, I haven't gained, but I also stopped losing. And when I took them out of the equation, lo and behold the scale confirmed that these were the culprits stalling me.

As for my weight loss totals, I'll add them in on Friday. Not sure if I will post again till then anyways, I'll try, but I'm thinking maybe not.

Down

So today was the big weigh in...well not so big. But it was the point in time in which I told myself I was allowed to get back on the scale. And the big reveal......drum roll please.

I gained back three of the four pounds I lost on the fat fast, but ultimately still lost one pound since I started the fast fast. Bottom line, for me the fat fast wasn't something to permanently shed weight, just a tool to get me started after I stalled out for a bit. So the total weight loss for the month I have been following Atkins is a little over 9 lbs. Not so bad, wish it was more, but it's a start in what I hope and pray is the right direction.

On another note, I'm still a total bitch, I still am having cravings....Hopefully they both will pass soon...for the sake of those all around me, real soon.

Where I am at otherwise is sort of here, there and no where all at once. I'm not really sure who I am anymore, beyond being a Mother. I lost my groove sometime after I gave birth and just when I was getting it back...

Bammo...I got myself preggers again.

So here I am, wandering, wondering and hoping that as I keep writing that something inside of me takes hold and allows me to shine again, because for the most part I feel like a frumpy old Mom. Not such a good look or feel for me. All in all I got nothing for today, and I'm pretty positive I'm not going to write again this weekend, I just don't think I will have the time.

So until I find more time....

Empowered

So despite my desire to not step on a scale, that is exactly what I did this morning. And I was pleasantly surprised to discover that I had dropped 4 lbs. since I started the fat fast three days ago. My happiness wasn't so much about losing, although that was a definite bonus; but more about the fact that what I am reading, what I am researching and the new ideas that I am embracing....simply work.

Yuparooni, they are working...for me anyway.

The more I read and the more I take control of what I choose to research in regards to how my body works and how foods are metabolized I am pleasantly surprised to discover that I am normal. What I mean in this is that there is something I can do to control how I look and feel....instead of being a victim of the wrong information that has and never worked for me.

I feel empowered.

Finally after exerting so much time and energy trying to fruitlessly control, people, places, situations and circumstances outside of myself in order to feel better. I have discovered for the moment a way to control myself, my thoughts and my actions to have a result that makes sense. All based upon the new information I am gathering up. It's moments like this that help to reinforce that what I am doing has some validity to it! And allows me to keep moving forward with a smile on my face!!

 Till next time,

Seeds of Hope

As the world around me awakens from the deep frozen slumber of winter gray, I watch as the world around me is nudged back to life with each delicate brush stroke painted by Mother Nature upon this canvas of life.

I see that I too, have also begun to awaken in a spectacular display of self as the guiding force of the universe continues to gently caress the seeds of hope I planted, as they continually blossom into the life I live today.

It was this time last year that the beliefs I held about life in all it’s glory began to unravel within me, the threads of my sanity twisting and turning in the constant winds of change.

In the midst of this inner turmoil, I began to question myself, my life and everything I held to be true.

The life I worked so hard to build crumbled and fell apart and I was offered the ultimate opportunity that many never embrace within the contrasts of their own lives….

A chance to redefine my life.
A chance to recreate my life.

A chance to discover who I was at the core of my being.

I am so grateful for the way that life unfolded before me and more so that I jumped into the seemingly chaotic pit of despair, to finally and once and for all find relief from the one constant in this life that has never allowed me to feel at ease.

The constant that never felt pretty enough.
The constant that never felt smart enough.
The constant that secretly despised life.
The constant that felt abandoned.
The constant that felt unloved.
The constant that felt alone.
The constant that had tried to absolutely destroy herself time and time again.

The constant that was me..and within me, I found me.

The good.
The bad.
The indifferent.

It was when I gave myself permission, for a moment in time to let go of all these observations, labels, ideas and beliefs that I had dragged with me, did I realize that the stories they carried with them had only served to keep me trapped in a mold of incompletion that was nothing of who I was, am or meant to be.

I found freedom from me.

The process of a miracle I initiated within my own life led me out of the prison of self I had been trapped within for so long. I allowed myself to risk it all to discover once and for all if life was anything more then the struggle, pain and sacrifice I believed it to be.

The uncertainty that disguised itself as fear at the time was not as powerful as my determination to venture forth upon the path of cosmic stepping stones before me. I discovered that it was me and only me that had the power to be more that I had allowed myself to be.

I took responsibility for me.

This began as a thirty day experiment in which I challenged myself on every level possible to discover if anything was possible…and that tiny spark of hope became the very seeds of life that would free me from the limitations I had lived within for so long.

It’s a few months shy of a year since this all began and I can only say that from where stand in the present time…my life today is nothing short of miraculous. Those tiny seeds of hope I planted have sprouted from within the core of my being and my life is the living, breathing manifestation those seeds….

Dream.
Laugh.
Love.

Believe.

The Spaces In-between

As a child, I had the freedom to wander upon the block that was in my neighborhood, much in the same way that the other kids who lived in the area did.

We had no such thing as “play dates”….we just knocked on each others doors and raided each others houses. Kids everywhere, in and out of homes and up and down the block we lived on.

Life was an adventure of sorts.

Our lives revolved around the block we lived on and for the most part the rest of the world did not exist. We knew of the other kids that lived on the other streets in the area…but since we weren’t old enough to yet cross the street alone, we ran in packs restricted only by the cross streets that divided us.

Magic existed in the places we had not yet grew old enough to venture forth into….wonder danced with the space that existed in-between those places.

Behind my house was a development that was formed into a huge circle of homes. It was a restricted “zone” because technically the voices of our parents beckoning us home did not carry that far.

We didn’t heed the restrictions they tried to bound us with for our own safety. We would sneak to the next block by traveling behind the houses behind our own. Traveling from our block through the little space that was created between the fences where one persons property ended and the next persons began.

It became a doorway to another place, another world.

The summer sun would lazily filter through the slats of the fences, illuminating it ever so sightly. Weeds, fungi, grass clippings, mushrooms, fallen leaves and undergrowth filled this area leaving just enough room for us all to climb through the narrow dimness one by one.

We knew that we weren’t supposed to go off of our our block.
We knew we weren’t supposed to climb through the fence.
We knew…and we did it anyway.

The excitement and anticipation of our imminent discovery if we were spotted by a neighbor added a twist of fear to our adventure. We would step carefully, taking care to move branches and twigs that blocked our way. Whispering, giggling and pushing our way through, we would suddenly become still, freezing in place, eyes growing wide with a panic if we though we had been seen.

At the end of the space, one of us would volunteer to be the look out and would be the first to dash across the bright green of the lawn to find the safety in the cover of the bushes in the distance. One by one we would each be signaled to make the same mad dash across the open field, till finally we would all be sitting together again.

Hearts pounding.
Laughing.
Eyes smiling.
Breathless.
Alive.
Free.

Life is like that when I choose for it to be.

Those moments when I stop listening to the voices of the majority that instruct me to stay in line, to stay within reach, to stay within the safety of what is known. When I step out in the adventure and the excitement of what lies ahead of me in that unknown space that exists in-between the here and the there that is delicately etched within the framework of a lifetime.

From the many paths I have traveled; with every step of uncertainty, every step of fear, every moment of doubt I have taken in this journey of my life. I now have a greater depth of understanding of the paths that lie ahead.

Moment by moment as I follow this voice within, it lovingly guides me from the safety of what I have known allowing me to discover how ultimately I am being led closer to myself…….I am led back towards the person I truly am at the core of my being.

In those spaces that are dimly illuminated off the beaten path of life, I find myself much the way I was when I was little….

Heart pounding.
Laughing.
Eyes smiling.
Breathless.
Alive….

Free.

_________

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What if????

What if you woke up one morning to realize that everything you thought you knew about life was wrong?

Would you roll over and go back to bed or would you choose to stay awake?

I choose to stay awake.

I have allowed myself to be formed by the ideas and beliefs of others for most of my life. The result was the confusion I floundered in for much of my life as I struggled to fit myself into the molds of conventional society.

Wandering half asleep, I lived according to set of rules that had been spoon fed to me, never once realizing that they held no validity in regards to me being who I was.

I learned that who I was…was not enough.

Then I woke up.
Then I made a decision.
Then I took my power back.

I choose to stay awake.

There are points in time when I forget that this process of life is one of constant change and any place I may find myself in is one that is only leading me to the next point in time.

If I choose to listen to the voice within.

Day by day.
Hour by hour.
Minute by minute.
Second by second.
Moment by moment.

As I break free from the beliefs that do not serve me, I choose to walk upon the cosmic stepping stones that lead me forward in this journey of self discovery. Each step allowing me to remember who it is I really am and who is is I no longer will settle in being.

Day by day.
Hour by hour.
Minute by minute.
Second by second.
Moment by moment.

I see myself ahead….

The little girl I abandoned so long ago, who has waited patiently for my return to self, to rediscover the magic that exists within.

The magic that exists within all of us.