Slow, but down.

I thought I had posted more recently, but looking at my last post I see that it has been close to two weeks. Either way, here I am posting now. A lot has slowed down in the two weeks, but I am still losing. In fact I have lost an additional two pounds, bringing the total lost 17 lbs. to date.

For whatever reason I slowed down at the gym in the past two weeks, it just seems as though so many other things came up, that had to be taken care of, so my gym time was pushed to the back burner.

I actually went three times this week, which isn't so bad...but I also know that gym or no gym as long as I adhere to the eating plan I have been following (Atkins low-carb) I lose weight...with or without the gym.

For me, working out 4-5 times a week has not sped up the weight loss process. For whatever reason my body no longer responds to working out the way it did in my early twenties :) I'm also not obsessing the way that I have been in the past about what I actually weight...I figure as long as I keep doing what I'm doing, in time the weight will come off. So overall I've been doing good and sticking with it...then I woke up today.

What a crab ass I am...I'm mid-cycle which means "Welcome" PMS.....along with the mood swings come the cravings....and I am craving.

Pasta with Italian bread and butter and soda real soda not diet crap...God have mercy on my soul!

Carbs, carbs and more carbs.....I almost want to try and see if I could handle it, for one day, but I still have the fear that if I veer off course, even for one day, in a nutshell I will be screwed. So if the craving begins to outweigh the fear, I think I'm gonna be in trouble, so I'm doing this writing about it, to hopefully see if it will help me work through these temporary feelings until they and the cravings pass.

But what are they about, because in all truth I am not hungry...at all. But I am feeling out of sorts, I wonder if that goes back to me being starving spiritually, I know when I crave foods...typically I'm going through uncomfortable feelings.....aaarrrrrrggggg, will any of this craziness I go through ever make sense???

Till it all does...I catch up with you later,

Losing it all

Here I am 15 lbs. lighter in 8 weeks and super duper excited! If I can lose that in 8 weeks time, imagine how much more I can lose if I stick with it! Now that motivates me to continue doing this whole low-carb lifestyle thing.

At first the reasons behind why I was trying it out was simply to lose the weight, but I have found that I lost a lot more in this short amount of time. Many of my so called "emotional" blocks as well as "spiritual" blocks seems to have been lifted to some degree.

What I means is that life feels inspiring again. It still has it's up's annd downs in the moment, but overall and in general my sense of self and well being feel lighter and lifted into a better state of being.

I know..that's sort of spacey, but how I feel none the less.

I started another blog... Mighty Delighty, it's all about my cupcakes and my passion for decorating them; I'm giving a go at trying build a business from home, because for now baking works. Ironically enough I make the most killer cupcakes and baked goods and yet I don't even dare to take the smallest lick of the batter or the tiniest bite of a cupcake. I'm just not willing to fall off this wagon I'm on for a taste of the deadly sweet.

So till my next weigh in.....

Where do I begin?

Okay, first things first.....I am still eating the low-carb way of life. My total intake of carbs is still at approximately 20 grams or less per day, I am still hitting the gym 4-5 times per week AND I am losing inches....I didn't write weight, because surprisingly enough my scale broke last week and I can not longer use that as a measurment system.

Thank goodness, because honestly it was doing more harm than good. Working with a tape measure is so much more encouraging ,although I do admit I still obsess over "what" I might weigh at this point in time. Now with all that out of the way, I'm certain that I don't know where to begin, so I will just write and see what happens.

I am 37 years old, I have an associates degree, several mismanaged attempts at degree based careers, a lot of college credits,two young children, one man I am to marry at some point in time and I NEED to figure out what I want to do for my life. I have people pushing me back in the direction of college, then I have the others that tell me I need to get a job part time to re-discover myself outside of the home and the role of Mother, then I have the others that tell me.....

Follow your heart....I like those the best.


I know I have been caught up in the role of Mother for the past few years and as of late I have been trying desperately to re-discover myself, this blog being a huge part of that journey once again. But what I have found is that I am impressionable, especially when highly emotional charged. Ideas that seemed as pleasant as chewing glass and drinking bleach, seem almost an escape clause to my life when I'm in the midst of an emotional upheaval. Hence the divided camps of supporters that have been rallying me to go back to school and/or get a job. Sounded great at the moment, but much less appealing right now. I'm not sure of a lot of things, but there is one thing I am sure of....


I have an insane desire to create or I believe I will go mad.


So what do I do with this driving force...sometimes, I write, I used to draw...now I bake and decorate things......I LLLLLLOOOOOVVVVVEEEEEE  to do it. And I think that is a direction I can go in, but then again...I do not know where to begin.....but I know even in that, it's a beginning of some sort, or at the very least a subtle way of taking charge of whats in my heart and letting God lead me the rest of the way. But for now, that is all!!

Decommited

 Initially I had mentioned that I wanted to write for thirty consecutive days, then amended that to state I would write thirty times...and maybe it would be in a row. Bottom line is that I just don't have the time or self discipline to commit to that, not right now anyway. So I'm going to give myself a break and do the best I can with the time I have.

Which means I will do my very bestest, to write at least once a week and if time allows more.

But on to the good news, I dropped another pound. Which is awesome, but of course it's not enough. I still want massive drops each week. When I get frustrated I visualize what a pound of butter looks like and know that I'm glad I dropped one of them, because all in all a pound is a pound, better to have lost then to have gained. I'm still eating according to the low-carb lifestyle. For any given day I consume approximately 20 grams of carbs, of which come mainly from veggies and such. I am still hitting the gym 4-5 days a week and my clothes...

They are begining to fit better.

I have been trying to decipher they relationship I have with food and why it is has been so self destructive throughout the years, haven't found an answer quite yet, but when I do, I will definitely write about it. Well I am rambling and not about anything so grand, so I'll leave it at that.

The Weigh In.

So I am down a total of 12 lbs. since I started this way of eating 5 1/2 weeks ago (May 3rd to be exact). I am finally...FINALLY, back in a regular clothing size. HUGE sigh of relief there! I feel as though there is really a light at the end of the tunnel...the fat tunnel that is.

I actually just bought a shirt at a store tonight, without having to try it on, what a freedom that is, especially when I got home and not only did it fit, but it looked good. So this is where I am at...positive and feeling good, but I was struck with an odd sensation the other day which has slowly enveloped my whole being.

Cravings...serious ones.

Sugar, starch; you name it! Which is so crazy since that hasn't occurred at all since starting this. The only thing I can attribute it to, is as loony as it may seem is the forthcoming Full Moon. I know that seems a bit off center, but every month as the moon swells to her full size in the night sky, I go through crazy carbohydrate cravings, which in the past I have indulged in. But for now I have not, nor do I plan on falling prey to them.

I have more to share especially changes I have made to my workout routine and such, but this is really all the time I have for now!!

Hasta la pasta!!!

Yippie!

So a few things came up since yesterday, which have left me compelled to write about them; starting with the three pound weight  reduction since stopping with the atkins bars.

"YIPPIE"

But I'm sure you can gauge my excitement! I'm not broken, I figured out what the problem was and I solved it, makes all this so much more enjoyable to continue doing! I planned on writing a bit today and maybe I will try and add to this later, my littlest one just awoke from her nap. So that's all the time I have for now, but there are so many exciting things brewing...can't wait to get them all down!

Finding Time

When I started this whole "I'm gonna write again" thing, I definitely did not realize how challenging it would be to squeeze a few extra moments out of the day in order to do it.

Because it's been a challenge.

Between taking care of two small children, getting to the gym, watching what I eat, keeping up with the house work, paying all the bills on time and then doing whatever other menial tasks pop up;by the time I have a few minutes to write, it's the last thing I want to do.

But I think about it all the time, I really do.

But when push comes to shove, I for the most part choose to zone out with whatever new book I am reading at the moment. But that's not to say that I am not commited to this life change that I am completely and fully imeshed within at the moment...

Because I am, committed that is.

As of late I have been doing as much research as possible in order to really understand the dynamics of my body, my metabolism and what I can do to be the best I can be. And let me tell you there is a lot of information out there...A LOT. Some of it resonates with me, some doesn't peak my interest at all, but none the less, I am taking the time to see what other people's experiences have been with the many different type of low carb living eating lifestyles that are abound. This tends to keep me focused and allows me to try different things.

On another note...I seemed to have stalled in regards to my weight loss. I wasn't really sure why or what could have been causing it, but a few back steps and I realized what happened. I had to stop eating the Atkins bars. As wonderful as they are, they are stalling my weight loss, I haven't gained, but I also stopped losing. And when I took them out of the equation, lo and behold the scale confirmed that these were the culprits stalling me.

As for my weight loss totals, I'll add them in on Friday. Not sure if I will post again till then anyways, I'll try, but I'm thinking maybe not.

Down

So today was the big weigh in...well not so big. But it was the point in time in which I told myself I was allowed to get back on the scale. And the big reveal......drum roll please.

I gained back three of the four pounds I lost on the fat fast, but ultimately still lost one pound since I started the fast fast. Bottom line, for me the fat fast wasn't something to permanently shed weight, just a tool to get me started after I stalled out for a bit. So the total weight loss for the month I have been following Atkins is a little over 9 lbs. Not so bad, wish it was more, but it's a start in what I hope and pray is the right direction.

On another note, I'm still a total bitch, I still am having cravings....Hopefully they both will pass soon...for the sake of those all around me, real soon.

Where I am at otherwise is sort of here, there and no where all at once. I'm not really sure who I am anymore, beyond being a Mother. I lost my groove sometime after I gave birth and just when I was getting it back...

Bammo...I got myself preggers again.

So here I am, wandering, wondering and hoping that as I keep writing that something inside of me takes hold and allows me to shine again, because for the most part I feel like a frumpy old Mom. Not such a good look or feel for me. All in all I got nothing for today, and I'm pretty positive I'm not going to write again this weekend, I just don't think I will have the time.

So until I find more time....

6 Day Break

So what was supposed to be a three day weekend turned into a six day break from writing. Honestly I don't have much to say, I'm too busy being a complete and totally bitch.

I'm PMSing......and boy do I hate me right now.

I'm still sticking to my eating plan and I have been going to the gym. In the arena of the physical aspects of myself I am doing quite fine, but in the emotional arena of life, I'm failing miserably.

I was taking a supplement a few months ago called Maca Root, which really seemed to help the emotional Merry Go Round I had been stuck on month to month. But when I started changing my eating habits, I stopped taking any supplements, since I wasn't sure if they would have a negative effect on what I was trying to accomplish.  But in hindsight, I think I will have to start taking them again, because...

I JUST CAN'T STAND MYSELF!!!

I'm craving food like I used to, but without the actual desire to act out and eat high carb, sugar laden foods. Sort of a weird place to be in...craving and not craving at the same time. But I guess after acting on those impulses during my cycle for so many years, it's a habit that still will rear it's ugly head. On a positive note...I have not cheated or fell victim to any cravings!

So tomorrow is the 3rd of June and the day in which I will weight myself. For the most part I have not obsessed about it till today. This morning I was going to jump on the scale, But talked myself out of it, only because I am trying, trying, trying really hard not to act on my obsessions; what ever form they may take in a given moment in time.

But for now that is all the time I have, my little one just awoke from her nap!

Till Tomorrow!

Empowered

So despite my desire to not step on a scale, that is exactly what I did this morning. And I was pleasantly surprised to discover that I had dropped 4 lbs. since I started the fat fast three days ago. My happiness wasn't so much about losing, although that was a definite bonus; but more about the fact that what I am reading, what I am researching and the new ideas that I am embracing....simply work.

Yuparooni, they are working...for me anyway.

The more I read and the more I take control of what I choose to research in regards to how my body works and how foods are metabolized I am pleasantly surprised to discover that I am normal. What I mean in this is that there is something I can do to control how I look and feel....instead of being a victim of the wrong information that has and never worked for me.

I feel empowered.

Finally after exerting so much time and energy trying to fruitlessly control, people, places, situations and circumstances outside of myself in order to feel better. I have discovered for the moment a way to control myself, my thoughts and my actions to have a result that makes sense. All based upon the new information I am gathering up. It's moments like this that help to reinforce that what I am doing has some validity to it! And allows me to keep moving forward with a smile on my face!!

 Till next time,

Forwards and Backwards

Today marks the three day point in the fat fast and I can honestly say that I am not hungry in the slightest bit...but that doesn't mean I haven't been thinking about food. In all reality I think about it constantly.

More specifically I have been thinking of  a nice big green salad topped off with a juicy cheeseburger...hold the bun of course.

So strange....not to be craving bread or other sugary evils that lurk all around. I feel as thought I may be losing but am terrified to step on a scale. I know that even if I do lose it won't be enough, I think at this point in time there is no magic number that would ever constitute enough. So I don't do it, simply because I want the power I keep giving to it to be re-directed somewhere else into something more conducive than a stupid number.

I'm actually trying to keep away from all the temptations..trying on clothes that haven't fit in a while, measuring myself...simply because that is not the reason why I am doing all of this. Well, it's part of the reason, but ultimately it's to stop looking and judging myself based upon these silly little outside systems of measurement that exist only in my mind. I'm sure everyone has there way of measuring there self worth, unfortunately, these are mine at the present point in time.

So, to change it all...how am I doing that?

By being proactive, filling my head with new ideas about health, eating and how our bodies process different types of food. If I'm going to create new beliefs I need a new soil of information for these ideas to root themselves in. I have also been going to the gym every single day...well the last three days. I am not pushing myself to the limits, but keeping myself at a steady pace....and I am not judging how well I perform based on how many calories the treadmill tells me I burned.

Overall, where I am at this point of time, is nowhere in particular. One foot is still in the old aspects of my beliefs, whereas my other foot is dipping itself into the velvety waters of new refreshing ideas.

And, my goodness do these new waters feel better than the murky ones I have allowed myself to drown in for long!

No more scales!

So as I mentioned yesterday the eating plan that I am and have been following for the past month is the Atkins diet. As many people do I lost some weight during induction, then seemed to stall out for the past two weeks. I haven't gained, but I haven't lost either.

I find it amazing and yet really lame that I can destroy most of my mornings by the simple act of stepping on a scale.Why, why, why do I allow that little hunk of plastic to mock my attempts...So when I stepped on the scale and realized I still haven't lost anything, I was to say the very least very disappointed.


I haven't cheated, I've followed the guidelines, I've removed items that may stall me out...and yet the scale stays stuck and I fell like the worlds biggest failure. Of, course something must really be wrong with me, if I can lose on the diet that so many have lost on!

Well, that's what I tell myself anyway.

So I decided to try to kick it up a notch and start a fat fast for the next few days, to see if that will help me kick start my loss yet again. But in the meantime, I struggle with wanting to step on a scale. I acceptance of self that I have so desperately looked for outside of myself for so long, has yet again returned with a vengeance through the measurement of my weight. It goes a little something like this...

If I lose weight = I am a good person, a worthy person.
If I stay the same or gain = LOSER.

So sad, because if anyone told me this about themselves I would tell them it wasn't true, yet for myself it remains that way. So I have decided not to worry about the scale....for today, hopefully for tomorrow and will just allow this process to be what it is, without looking to poke holes in in through my somewhat seemingly non-failure.

Oooooops...

So after my heartwarming declaration about being determined, consistent and writing for the next thirty days, I need to admit that the only reason I didn't write yesterday was because....

I forgot.

Yup, that's it, no big mind twisting event or sad self pity act I found myself lost within...I simply forgot.

I sooooooo want to beat myself up, but fought the temptation to look deeper into the issue to find the sub-conscious reason. Because in all reality I'm not used to doing this anymore. Once a hard habit that needed to be done each and every day, with all the new aspects that have blossomed in my life the past few years, this form of self therapy has been put on the back burner.

The really, way, way, way back burner.

So it may take me a few to really feel the habit of it once again, needless to say, I did not allow the one miss to make me throw my hands up in utter defeat, but to allow myself to realize I may just forget again at some point.

Shockingly I am human and sometimes forget things.

So with all that said...back to the issue(s) that brought me back to this page within the blogosphere...my attempt to rediscover the part(s) of me that have seemed to have wandered away and gotten lost in the past few years.

I haven't mentioned what type of eating plan I have been incorporating in my daily, but just so it's out there and known, I am eating the Atkins way of life. I have some experience in reducing my carbohydrate levels, only to discover that I lost weight in the process. This was due to a diagnosis of gestational diabetes, in both my pregnancies. So for me, a lower carbohydrate eating plan  is something that has worked for me in the past.

But now to the present....this point in time now, where I seem so resistant, or my body rather, to anything and everything. I know that the only thing that is holding me back is.....

Me.

My thoughts, my ideas, my way of thinking and being that will either allow me to overcome this challenge or be consumed by it wholly and completely. And I can tell you the way that I think about, food, diets, exercise and weight loss in general is so twisted and morphed that I know how challenging it is going to be to get through this.

When I was in my twenties, I would go out dancing all night, every night, snorting, swallowing and smoking any and every type of substance that would keep me on the dance floor. And never struggled a day with wearing anything I wanted to...I would drop pounds left and right, and rarely if ever struggled with choices in clothing. But I was such a waste of a size "0"...because I still thought I was fat...go figure right.

So I know more is in my head that is ultimately projecting outwardly onto my appearance, so I need to readjust my perspective....A LOT. And that is what I hope to do within the next thirty posts that I write (notice I didn't mention days) re-adjust my perspective and allow myself to release the inner and outer beliefs that have manifested upon me as excess weight.

So until the next time.....

The Decision.

So I have made a decision, one that I am going to stick to with every single aspect of my entire being.
Just for today though, no promises of what I will do tomorrow.

I'm going to write every day for the next thirty days.

So what has brought me here, back to the place where the beginning of the most amazing journey of my life began roughly three years ago.

I'm a fattie...yes I admit it I am a F.A.T.T.I.E!


Since popping out two children in less than two years my body has gone through a transformation that in many ways has been quite miraculous, but in many other ways not so much.

I have lost my way and I'm trying to get back on track. I  know that many of the challenges I encounter in my life, are more often than not simply life's subtle disguises of good fortune, a call to my inner self to step up my game and get back to business of discovering who I really am.

Truth be told, I am not this person I have allowed myself to become in the last two years, this is not me, never has been me; Yet my reflection in the mirror reveals more than I would like to see, and I don't even want to get started on the multitude of ways the bathroom scale mocks me.

So hear it is, I said it, so now what am I going do about it?

Change it! Change it all, be the person I know I am and let go of all this excess baggage in the next thirty days. Seems like a lot to do, but I think if I can give it a go, I may discover that thirty days is exactly the correct amount of time for anything to happen, maybe even a miracle.

Till tomorrow,