Tuesday, June 21, 2011
The key word being "try".
I have had my two children in the course of three years, the first of which I got pregnant with only 9 months into the relationship I was in. From the moment I found out I was pregnant, there were so many alterations in my lifestyle and our life in general that we didn't realize how our relationship had changed and would continue to change. Fast forward to the next pregnancy, and the year after my second daughter's birth; where is our relationship...I don't know, we forgot about it along the way.
We were so busy adjusting to being parents and tackling this new role, I don' t think we understood that we were in someway choosing to grow apart as we grew into the parents and people we are now. Left neglected love is like a flower with no sun and no water, without nourishment love can die. I'm not stating that our love is dead, but it's getting there which this brings me to the point of all this..
I've been starving!
Not physically, but emotionally and spiritually . I haven't been getting my emotional needs met through the relationship for some time and I lost myself to the role of Mother as well. I mistakenly thought the emptiness gnawing away at my insides was hunger, which it was...but I was feeding the wrong parts of myself. The more I stuffed in me, the hungrier I became..and the heavier I got.
I couldn't see this, was really blinded to it all, till I started changing the dynamics of my eating plan and really participating in my life in other ways, besides being a "Mother". But I see it now, see it more clearly than I ever have, which in itself is a relief, because once I see the problem at hand I know the polar opposite of the solution is not far off.
I feel terrified of living my life again, terrified of being responsible for my feelings, terrified of what is to come, but find comfort in the inner knowing that it will be better than what I am faced with at this present point in time. So I'm going to keep moving forward and keep embracing the revelations that come to me in this fantastic journey of re-discovering who I really am.