The process of becoming

Everyday I sit on a bench surrounded by this great big trimmed hedge in my mothers garden, sipping my coffee and slowly introducing myself to the new day. I love to sit and feel the Sun’s gentle morning kiss upon my face as the sweet, milky flavor of the coffee rolls on my tongue.

I take as much time as necessary allowing myself to fully absorb the beauty all around me as I search out every color of the rainbow in the garden….

The red that explodes on the petals of the impatients.
The orange tinge outlining the edges of the sunflowers.
The yellow of tall wild yarrow.
The green of the leaves that sway in the wind.
The blue of the bright morning sky.
The violet that peeks out of the lavender bushes that perfumes the air.

As of late, each new day presents another lost color, another wilted stem and the reality of winters fast approach, as mother nature begin preparing for her last dance of color in her magnificent display of the autumn season.

The bees that buzz around, fight over the last of the flowers that adorn that garden. Covered in pollen they covet this precious commodity, knowing full well this is the end of the supply till the next spring makes it’s grand entrance.

The Butterflies….they dance.

Flower to flower.
Tree to tree.
Leaf to leaf.

Wherever the next breeze guides them.

A vibrant display of the grand design of the universe, delicately painted upon their wings as they playfully, float and flutter in the wind. A carefree lesson of life is what I feel as I watch them waltzing through the air. Their fragile beauty, a potent source of strength for my inner spirit as I embrace the wonder and awe they present to me.

Their time as butterflies is short and the process that leads them to themselves is one of absolute transformation.

They don’t begin this life as the beautiful exquisite creatures they are…they begin as something else. A little spot on a leaf is how their life begins, from here they emerge as little worms: caterpillars munching away at the life source around them. They grow by shedding layers of skin, different layers of their existence, until at one point this skin, becomes the home for their next transformation.

Even today it is not know fully how a butterfly comes about. Housed within a shell of itself…..it completely liquefies, then slowly reorganizes itself, transforming into the delicate, dancing delight that floats about.

As of late I feel such a connection with these butterflies I see gliding before me. They show me, without words…the power of transformation. The power of releasing myself of what I was..the power of allowing myself and my beliefs to liquefy in the here and now…the power of permitting myself to become more then I can conceive.

Who I am, who I was and who I want to be are all part of the same.

Each contributes to the other, melting away and yielding as they they liquefying. No longer separate beliefs, ideas or experiences…but all parts of the whole of who I am.

The butterfly isn’t a new creature, it always is the same caterpillar it began this life with. It carries with it always, the parts of itself it has shed. All the pieces and every experience becomes the catalyst for it’s transformation. Without it’s past contributing to it’s future self…..it would be impossible for it to be what it is.

An expression of choice, freedom, awareness and total self-acceptance of every aspect of its being….

Dancing in the wind, it flutters gently around the very edge of my consciousness. It’s beauty a delicate reminder of who I really am. A way for me to recognize the truth of the opportunity I have in each moment to embrace all the aspect of myself in a silent surrender of healing to become the absolute and magnificent creatures I am.

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Smoke is gone....

I awoke this morning knowing full well that the decision I had made in regards to becoming a full time non-smoker was an intention I would do my best to fulfill. I still have my morning rituals….

Get up.
Brush teeth.
Beeline for the coffee.

And then I used to smoke, smoke, smoke, smoke, smoke.

The funny thing about changing or breaking a habit of any kind is the realization of how much of my time it actually occupied. That realization came about when I had stopped using heroin as well, initailly I just wasn’t aware of all the time and energy I had expended towards this particular aspect…

Until it was no longer there.

There is a part of me that just wants to light up for old times sake….just smoke ONE more, then I’ll quit. Famous last thoughts of a person addicted to something. Overall I feel okay, I don’t feel anxious or edgy, if anything I feel excited that I took the first step towards a life free from this crutch.

It all began with cigarettes.

When I was in high school I was shy, insecure and I found that sneaking off behind the high school with a few friends to smoke cigarettes offered me an instant “in” with those I viewed as being “cool”. It sounds so silly and childish now, but at the time it was the only straw of acceptance that I felt I could grasp.

If others accepted me then I felt I could then accept myself.

My early adult life was built on this premise of outwards acceptance of myself through others, an idea that holds no weight in contrast to the truth that any and all acceptance must come from within. I haven’t thought about some of the ideas I rolled into the little tobacco cigarettes all those years ago, but I do see that some stuff is becoming clearer……

Now that the smoke is gone.

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A fork in the road

Lately I have been reflecting quite a bit upon where I was two years ago…where I was last year and comparing these two pasts to where I stand in this present point in time. It has been quite a journey so far and I can’t imagine that it would get any less interesting as time goes on.

When I finally made the decision to get and stay clean no matter what, I started my first footsteps upon a path I had never ventured forth upon. I understand today it was a fork in the road of my life that was always available to me, but one that I did not have the courage to travel.

That road was one that would lead me to me…it was my road home.

The last two and a half years have been spent diligently working on the aspects of myself that served no purpose in me discovering who I was at the core of my being. Initially it was about remaining abstinent from any and all mind or mood altering substances (Which also includes alcohol folks!) but through the course of time I realized it was about so much more.

It was about loving myself.
it was about forgiving myself.

It became a journey that would allow me to embrace all the aspects of myself…

The good.
The bad.
And all that lay in-between.

So much of my life has been dictated by the observations of what I labeled good or bad and then by shaping myself around them. It was only when I began to discover all that existed in-between that I began to truly, fully and completely begin the process of understanding who it is that I have been, who I want to be and who I will become as I continue forward.

At some point I began to cross that invisible threshold of beliefs I held and began to imagine the possibilities that life could offer me, if I would become willing to dream again. I slowly but surely began to untangle myself from the web of lies that have kept me a prisoner of self for so long. I realized that my life was my responsibility.

No one could heal my hurts.
No one could take away my pain.
No one could do for me what I had to do for myself.

Find me.

I have no illusions that this is a journey with any specific destination, but I do know that the more I continue to push forward, despite my fear and uncertainty….more will be revealed.

With the initial overhaul of my life last year, I began to set in motion circumstances, situation, events and opportunities that nudged me forward bit by bit to the present point in time. Now with my new beliefs coupled with the results they have produced come forth a totally new experience of living.

A life that I never thought possible….for me.

The foundation that I have build in the past year has allowed me now to begin to start dreaming of new possibilities for my life as well as the freedom that can come along with some new changes.

Tomorrow, I stop smoking cigarettes.

I have been smoking for well over 19 years of my life. I have had some short term abstinence from smoking, but have not yet fully surrendered to this one vice. It’s been a crutch of sorts for as long as I can remember and with any crutch I have learned that it only supports aspects that don’t work to full capacity.

Honestly, I have some fear.

Can I really truly become an official non-smoker?

Doubt loves to linger in my mind and tell me that I will fail, even before I try. But I have some solid reference points that tell me in certain terms that certainty of the outcome is stronger than any doubt that wants to tell me what I set out to do…can’t be done.

I have allowed myself to realize that if I truly love myself and seek to better myself, by continuing to smoke I am going against the grain of this belief. If I care about myself…I wouldn’t be trying to kill myself slowly with cigarettes.

I let go of the needle.
I let go of the heroin.
I let go of old ideas and beliefs that did not serve my higher self.

The results of these simple things have offered me a way of life I never thought possible and the hope I have in relation to becoming a non-smoker fuels my desire to quit.

Another story, another challenge another fork in my road.