Monday, May 5, 2008

A fork in the road

Lately I have been reflecting quite a bit upon where I was two years ago…where I was last year and comparing these two pasts to where I stand in this present point in time. It has been quite a journey so far and I can’t imagine that it would get any less interesting as time goes on.

When I finally made the decision to get and stay clean no matter what, I started my first footsteps upon a path I had never ventured forth upon. I understand today it was a fork in the road of my life that was always available to me, but one that I did not have the courage to travel.

That road was one that would lead me to me…it was my road home.

The last two and a half years have been spent diligently working on the aspects of myself that served no purpose in me discovering who I was at the core of my being. Initially it was about remaining abstinent from any and all mind or mood altering substances (Which also includes alcohol folks!) but through the course of time I realized it was about so much more.

It was about loving myself.
it was about forgiving myself.

It became a journey that would allow me to embrace all the aspects of myself…

The good.
The bad.
And all that lay in-between.

So much of my life has been dictated by the observations of what I labeled good or bad and then by shaping myself around them. It was only when I began to discover all that existed in-between that I began to truly, fully and completely begin the process of understanding who it is that I have been, who I want to be and who I will become as I continue forward.

At some point I began to cross that invisible threshold of beliefs I held and began to imagine the possibilities that life could offer me, if I would become willing to dream again. I slowly but surely began to untangle myself from the web of lies that have kept me a prisoner of self for so long. I realized that my life was my responsibility.

No one could heal my hurts.
No one could take away my pain.
No one could do for me what I had to do for myself.

Find me.

I have no illusions that this is a journey with any specific destination, but I do know that the more I continue to push forward, despite my fear and uncertainty….more will be revealed.

With the initial overhaul of my life last year, I began to set in motion circumstances, situation, events and opportunities that nudged me forward bit by bit to the present point in time. Now with my new beliefs coupled with the results they have produced come forth a totally new experience of living.

A life that I never thought possible….for me.

The foundation that I have build in the past year has allowed me now to begin to start dreaming of new possibilities for my life as well as the freedom that can come along with some new changes.

Tomorrow, I stop smoking cigarettes.

I have been smoking for well over 19 years of my life. I have had some short term abstinence from smoking, but have not yet fully surrendered to this one vice. It’s been a crutch of sorts for as long as I can remember and with any crutch I have learned that it only supports aspects that don’t work to full capacity.

Honestly, I have some fear.

Can I really truly become an official non-smoker?

Doubt loves to linger in my mind and tell me that I will fail, even before I try. But I have some solid reference points that tell me in certain terms that certainty of the outcome is stronger than any doubt that wants to tell me what I set out to do…can’t be done.

I have allowed myself to realize that if I truly love myself and seek to better myself, by continuing to smoke I am going against the grain of this belief. If I care about myself…I wouldn’t be trying to kill myself slowly with cigarettes.

I let go of the needle.
I let go of the heroin.
I let go of old ideas and beliefs that did not serve my higher self.

The results of these simple things have offered me a way of life I never thought possible and the hope I have in relation to becoming a non-smoker fuels my desire to quit.

Another story, another challenge another fork in my road.

1 comment:

Ste said...

I stopped smoking and decided on a change in lifestyle about 2 years ago. Its almost as if your brain is in two halfs, fighting against each other, ones for smoking the other isnt.

One day at a time is the way to go about it, i bought loads of things to mess with to keep my mind occupied, set up websites and made some money....Then I went overweight so i joined a gym and became a fitness freak for a few months.

nearly three years since i smoked now and i still occasional think to myself 'i'l just light up..' have done a couple times but it nearly made me sick.

Best thing i ever did was give up smoking.