It was hard.
It was painful.
I cried a lot.
I hurt a lot.
I was angry with him.
I was angry at me.
I was extremely lonely at times.
I was jealous.
And then one day I was better… but not all at once.
It took time to heal those parts of my heart and my spirit that the relationship had harmed. It took time for me to begin to be able to take a realistic look at the men I would choose. I learned that for years and years and years, with all the men, all the relationships; Nothing had changed, they were all the same guy. One repeating the next, with the same characteristics, mannerisms, issues. Everything was the same……
The guy never changed…just his name did.
I didn’t jump into another relationship at the close of my last one.
There was no substitution.
No fill in…..
Just me and my feelings…exposed and raw.
Me alone with me, for the first time .
I did quite a bit of work on re-evaluating what I believed love to be; where my attraction stemmed from and what drew me to the same type of guy time and time again. I had to get to the root of who I was in order to weed out the point of attraction that compelled me, time and time again to the same type of guy that wasn’t right for me.
It took a long time.
I began to notice the change in me several months ago when the muscle head, macho guys just wouldn’t get me worked up inside the way they used to…in fact they became nothing of what I was attracted to. The truth is that no-one has caught my eye or my interest for a long, long, long time.
Until a little over a month ago.
I met him a few months back, but I never noticed him, never gave a thought towards him as being someone I would think of any further then a guy that hung around in the same circle of people I did.
But then something within me stirred and I saw him…really saw him
All I can say is that something shifted in me…
Something opened up…
Something within me became receptive to the idea of him.
Something within me started believing in the possibility of love again.
The truth be told, I stopped looking a long time ago. I finally came to a place within myself where I was okay with me and I felt I would be okay if I never found someone to share this experience of life with.
Talk about denial.
It has taken this to have me realize that the tumultuous relationships of my past had tarnished my perceptions on the ideas of love and relationships. I had settled for less then I was worth for so long that I began to believe that what I had experienced was all that there was…..
So I stopped thinking and believing that more might be revealed.
I stopped believing that one day I would find a person to love.
I stopped believing that I ever wanted children.
I stopped believing I would ever want to get married.
I stopped believing that there was any hope.
I stopped believing in the idea of love.
My heart which I have allowed to be open for so many years to the wrong people, became a commodity I hid away deep within myself….so deep that I forgot about the power of it.
I have found through my journey of self-discovery that many of the ideas, beliefs and notions that are centered in the idea of love and self-love all spring forth from the inner sparks of the spirit that just longs to connect to other people.
Longs to find the comfort, peace and serenity of it’s purpose that love is all that matters in whatever shape or form it manifests from within the infinite possibilities that exists within the space of the heart.
Life is about filling the spaces within……reserved for love.
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