Through my journey of self discovery, I have learned to be gentle with myself, gentle with others and to know that hope exists.
And that I can, have and will find freedom.
I developed many behaviors throughout my life in order to cope with particular events, that at the time I had no capacity to process or deal with. Methods of protecting myself from the lashes of life inflicted upon my inner spirit, that have have oozed out pain and hurt, infecting every area of my life.
At a very early age the innocence of my childhood was stolen through the actions of another and I found myself silenced by the burden and shame that the situation forced upon me. Through time I have permitted myself to release what never belonged to me in the first place; but still found that there was unfinished business.
The traumas of the spirit and heart live on long after the original situations have passed and for me, I have learned the importance of allowing myself the opportunity to go back to redefine the past.
To heal the parts of myself that never stopped reliving those moments.
There are layers of denial, justification and rationalization that moments of my past are encrusted within and as each day passes I find the strength and courage to break through these method of self deception in order to allow myself the freedom of self I deserve.
The freedom to say what has needed to be said for much too long.
I had the opportunity this past weekend to re-visit my past, allowing me the chance to set things right, to let go of hurts and to embrace who I have been fully and completely in order to release it and be more then limited aspects of my past.
Along the way I met, fear, uncertainty and insecurity; the voices that torture me with the constant chitter chatter in my mind that tells me I am not enough and will never be enough. I met my father and my abusive ex who spewed the venomous words that have crippled me for so long. I faced myself at the present moment in time, who I was at thirty and most importantly I met myself at age seven when my life changed course directly through the actions of another.
I did none of this alone and was guided and nudged gently along the way by love and support at my side, letting me know I would be alright, I was safe, no one could hurt me and I was free to say what had to be said.
I screamed for the voices to be quite.
I screamed for the voices to shut the fuck up.
I screamed for the little girl who no-one protected.
I screamed at those who should have protected me.
I cried for the little girl left with the mess of another.
I cried for the woman I became.
I cried for the hurt that I have carried for so long.
I cried for the pain that has never been addressed.
I spoke to myself at seven, letting her know that she was safe, that no-one could hurt her anymore.
I spoke to myself at thirty, letting her know I was sorry for allowing her to become what she did.
I spoke to myself in the present moment and let her know it was okay to let all of this go, that we no longer had to carry it anymore.
I hugged myself at seven and told myself that I loved myself.
I hugged myself at thirty and let myself know I was okay.
I hugged myself in the present moment, releasing the past of it’s grip on me.
When the scenario was complete and I came back to the present moment in time I was shocked to find myself in a peaceful state of mind, a state that tapped into the hope that had been pushed down so long allowing me to see a vision of my life free from these wounds that had been formed so long ago.
I found the freedom that was within me waiting for me to reclaim it.
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