Smoke is gone....

I awoke this morning knowing full well that the decision I had made in regards to becoming a full time non-smoker was an intention I would do my best to fulfill. I still have my morning rituals….

Get up.
Brush teeth.
Beeline for the coffee.

And then I used to smoke, smoke, smoke, smoke, smoke.

The funny thing about changing or breaking a habit of any kind is the realization of how much of my time it actually occupied. That realization came about when I had stopped using heroin as well, initailly I just wasn’t aware of all the time and energy I had expended towards this particular aspect…

Until it was no longer there.

There is a part of me that just wants to light up for old times sake….just smoke ONE more, then I’ll quit. Famous last thoughts of a person addicted to something. Overall I feel okay, I don’t feel anxious or edgy, if anything I feel excited that I took the first step towards a life free from this crutch.

It all began with cigarettes.

When I was in high school I was shy, insecure and I found that sneaking off behind the high school with a few friends to smoke cigarettes offered me an instant “in” with those I viewed as being “cool”. It sounds so silly and childish now, but at the time it was the only straw of acceptance that I felt I could grasp.

If others accepted me then I felt I could then accept myself.

My early adult life was built on this premise of outwards acceptance of myself through others, an idea that holds no weight in contrast to the truth that any and all acceptance must come from within. I haven’t thought about some of the ideas I rolled into the little tobacco cigarettes all those years ago, but I do see that some stuff is becoming clearer……

Now that the smoke is gone.