Writing has been the one constant in my life for as long as I can remember. No matter what I always had a way to sort through the confusion of my mind with the map of freedom my words provided me with.
But recently that has stopped, I haven’t been writing, I haven’t allowed myself to sort through the thoughts. I haven’t taken the time to navigate the moment and have allowed myself to wander into the wonder and awe of all the amazing events that have transpired throughout the past several months and now…
I feel stuck.
I keep questioning myself if this life I am living now…Is this what I really want?
Maybe this is all part of the growing pains of a new relationship.
Maybe the way I am feeling is natural.
But maybe it’s more then that.
I look at the the wonderful home I am living in with my new love, the garden I am creating, the life I thought I wanted so badly and yet something just doesn’t feel right. Something keeps nagging at me, something inside is trying to get me to notice what I am terrified to admit.
That maybe this isn’t where I want to be at all.
I am questioning everything and cannot seem to find an answer to soothe the inner turmoil that has been threatening to bubble over and out of me in a cascade of tears. I feel so powerless in the grips of my emotions at the moment. I don’t know what to do, what to say or even how I really feel. The one thing I know for certain is ….
I want to run.
I don’t want to feel the way I am feeling.
I don’t want to admit I may have been wrong.
I don’t want to admit that I may have gotten in over my head.
I don’t want to participate in my life.
I know that through this process of life when inner resistance starts to pull me in fifty different directions all at once, I’m typically avoiding something.
That something is me.
After all the growth.
After all the accomplishments.
After all the struggles.
After all the awareness.
After it all, I always in someway, shape or form discover that I am still afraid to be me fully and completely. I should know by now that any inner contentment is only as short lived as my constant desire for personal growth. After it all, I know that growth stems from these very seeds of fear and uncertainty and it sprouts from the million and one questions that each and every experience brings forth.
I know all this yet, I still want to run, thinking that my freedom is something that can be found somewhere far from here and far away from me. In the past I have found so many different ways avoid myself and I do my very best not to play into those old ideas. But the tendencies will always lay dormant within me waiting for the moment to spring forth from my consciousness to entice me with their lies of another life, another me, another chance…… if I just run.
But I won’t.
I have run for much of my life in the constant search for myself that I know that it only exists in this moment.
In the midst of the inner resistance that is pulling me apart at the seams, old ideas and belies are in the process of coming undone and in the midst of it all….
So am I.