Wednesday, April 23, 2008

Planting fields of my life

My sister has this amazing piece of property filled with a rainbow array of flowers randomly scattered throughout her front yard. She has two small children, a schedule filled with play dates, a job and no time to do much of anything else.

But with a garden of any type…it must be tended.

Outside and alone in the quiet of the afternoon I chopped away at the dense poison ivy that snaked through the undergrowth and spiraled up the various trees. Pulled out the multitude of weeds that had grown so high that they were begining to topple under their own weight. From beneath the bushes I raked at the dried lifeless leaves trapped in the tangle of it all.

A few garbage bags later, a lot of sweat and dirt I had cleared away a small section. Taking off the gloves I wore, I began digging my hands into the dark, moist soil feeling my way for the roots that burrowed deep into the dirt. I had to remove what was growing below or the weeds… they would come back.

I needed to feel what I was trying to remove.

I needed to feel the resistance to know the proper way to pull them up.

I needed to feel the disgust in the discovery of the many insects that revealed themselves and the relief as they skittered away and burrowed back down into the dark soil.

After a few hours I had pulled out many of the roots that grew down into the earth but not all of them. Some were so thick and embedded, that only a little bit at a time could be removed. And others hid beneath the soil would not be found until they started to grow.

When I finished for the day I sat on the front stoop and looked at the area from afar. The flowers that had been lost in the overgrowth now stood smiling up at the lazy afternoon sun. With the weeds gone, there was room to plant new seeds and bulbs for the following season . It was a brand canvas for Mother nature to paint her pictures of beauty on.

It was a new planting field for life.

Before I walked out of my job several months ago…my life was very much like my sisters front yard. An overgrown tangle of poison infecting every aspect of my being, destroying anything I saw as beautiful

In the garden of my life…the weeds grew.

I was disappointed at the life I was living and I allowed my anger to root itself firmly in the fertile soil of my being. The anger grew quickly with the blame I placed on others for the conditions of my life at the time.

I was disgusted with myself but held everyone else accountable. One person in particular, an easy target for my misplaced anger…

My boss.

My anger at the time had already began to sprout as the resentments I felt towards him.

The blame.

The hate.

The sacrifice.

The struggle.

The absolute disappointment of the world at large, package neatly in the form of one person. Everything that was wrong in my life at that time somehow and in someway all led back to him…or so I told myself.

It took a little while before I became willing to really take a look at the situation to discover it was nothing that I thought it was. In this process I have learned that situations and circumstances always look different the moment I make the choice to be…

Responsible for me.

I had known where I stood at the job for some time; I just wouldn’t accept it. My boss had become the stone of my life I was trying to squeeze blood from. I allowed the anger I felt at the unfairness of it all distort the situation into something it wasn’t…

I allowed my garden to grow out of control.

I no longer saw the person who made me laugh.

The person who would ask if I was okay.

The person that would call to say they were worried about me.

The person who would give me a hug when I desperately needed one.

Yesterday I receive a call and an e-mail from my old boss inquiring how I was doing . I haven’t heard a peep from this man since I walked out of my job over 3 months ago. The first thing that went through my mind was,

” What the f*ck does he want”?

Before I left the job, he and I had a huge blow out and we haven’t spoken since. At that point in time he was another piece in the picture puzzle of disappointment that was my world. For a while I held onto the resentment I felt towards him unable to release myself from it’s deceptive grip.

Through this process I have learned the importance of choosing what it is I would like to have grow in the garden of my life…I have no room for anger or the resentments that beg to grow.

It’s always there, waiting in the deep dark soil for it’s opportunity to spread.

I choose to e-mail him back and to be honest about where I was at…although I must admit a part of me wanted to dig up old past hurts and have them grow in the present. But I just can’t live like that anymore. I cannot afford the time or energy feeding aspects of myself that will destroy the beauty I want my life to consist of.

I am responsible for my world.

My actions.

My behaviors.

My reactions and responses.

I no longer choose these aspects that grown into a garden of resentments.

My pain.

My disappointments.

My hurts.

These seeds have their roots in my garden. I do not have the right to harvest them in anyone else’s. I do not have the right to try and infect others with their poisons.

At times it’s difficult, there are moments I still want to blame others to have them feel my misplaced pain…but I know the old familiar lies.

They leave no room for anything new.

They leave no room for the beauty of what can grow.

When I checked my e-mails yesterday there was another message from him

…in it he said how proud he was of me.

The beautiful blossoms of forgiveness, compassion, hope, peace and love; for today these are the only seeds I choose to plant in the garden of my life.

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