Sunday, April 6, 2008

Another Look

Life in all it’s brilliance, vibrancy, complexities, minor setbacks, achievements and so called failures has a way of always nudging me forward to discover the truth about who I choose to be at any given moment in time.

Today I stand securely upon this newly built foundation with the flexibility of understanding that beneath my current perceptions of what I believe, lies the truth that what I “think” I know in any given moment is always subject to revision.

I can only say…”Thank God for that.”

After my solid, unwavering declaration I made in which I swore I would never get a J.O.B. again. I had to take off that very heavy and burdensome mask of pride and look for a job. I sent out a few resumes, went on a few job interviews and stopped in some random quick cash, no bullshit places earlier in the week….the whole process made me sick.

Frustration danced with my experiences of the past twirling, twisting, dipping, diving and turning my stomach into knots. Each step, leading me closer and closer to the dark, depths of depression.

I felt like a failure.
I felt like I was selling myself short.
I felt as though yet AGAIN I was settling for less.
I felt the lies of the past manifesting in the present.
I couldn’t see anything else…

Some situations get me more then others…the whole idea of working, the old concepts and beliefs that still linger. All still reside within me waiting for the perfect meeting of opportunity and circumstances to grab hold of me and ultimately drag me through the muck and misery of what only has been known.

I know better then this…

But what I know and what I do with what I know are opposite sides in the spectrum of my life. My past is the flash of the white, hot memories that desperately try to manifest the pain, confusion and discontent in the here and now. My future black upon the canvas of uncertainty, no specific ideas or desires reveal the brush strokes of possibilities that exist within this unpainted rainbow of life.

It took a few days before I understood what I was willingly submitting myself to and made the decision to take another look at the wave of misery I was allowing myself to ride upon.

I forget…I’m a pro at forgetting…and so there are moments I forget that I have a choice.

The choice to be free or to continue to voluntarily stay imprisoned in my limited beliefs is ALL on me. My freedom has nothing to do with any of the outside circumstances or situations that occur. In the process of redefining who I choose to be today I often get lost in the confusion of who I used to be.

I allow the outside to dictate the inside.

Moments come about, feelings bubble to the surface, old beliefs wrestle with the new in an attempt to subdue my ever increasing awareness and have me submit to the idea that life is nothing more then what I have known.

Forgetting my own hopes and dreams…..frustration.
Selling myself short for a lousy paycheck…..disappointment.
Trading my time, my life and myself for a job I despise….hopelessness.

I have reference points that allow me the opportunity to point out the inconsistencies of my own beliefs. Some not related to the given situation, but still one’s in which my conviction of the truth was so concrete I felt I would never be able to escape the house that I had built the foundation of my life upon.

I never believed I would ever be more then a dope sick, strung out junkie…
I never believed I was worth more then my actions…
I never believed I could get off of welfare…
I never believed I could find purpose and meaning for my life…

I have surpassed every single one of these limits I had created for my life…some aspects still linger to haunt me and I know I will discover new ones that have kept themselves hidden. But the power they once had can no longer keep me from moving forward. My life is an ongoing process of redefining every aspect of the ideas and beliefs I hold.

So again, I step willingly into a situation thinking one way but feeling another and know everything is an opportunity for me to discover more, learn more…

….become more

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