Hungry.

So I am here again, much sooner than I had anticipated, but here none the less. So a bunch of "stuff" has surfaced since the last time I posted and I thought it appropriate to try my very best to sort through the mess of it all here.

The key word being "try".

I have had my two children in the course of three years, the first of which I got pregnant with only 9 months into the relationship I was in. From the moment I found out I was pregnant, there were so many alterations in my lifestyle and our life in general that we didn't realize how our relationship had changed and would continue to change. Fast forward to the next pregnancy, and the year after my second daughter's birth; where is our relationship...I don't know, we forgot about it along the way.

We were so busy adjusting to being parents and tackling this new role, I don' t think we understood that we were in someway choosing to grow apart as we grew into the parents and people we are now. Left neglected love is like a flower with no sun and no water, without nourishment love can die. I'm not stating that our love is dead, but it's getting there which this brings me to the point of all this..

I've been starving!

Not physically, but emotionally and spiritually . I haven't been getting my emotional needs met through the relationship for some time and I lost myself to the role of Mother as well. I mistakenly thought the emptiness gnawing away at my insides was hunger, which it was...but I was feeding the wrong parts of myself. The more I stuffed in me, the hungrier I became..and the heavier I got.

I couldn't see this, was really blinded to it all, till I started changing the dynamics of my eating plan and really participating in my life in other ways, besides being a "Mother". But I see it now, see it more clearly than I ever have, which in itself is a relief, because once I see the problem at hand I know the polar opposite of the solution is not far off.

I feel terrified of living my life again, terrified of being responsible for my feelings, terrified of what is to come, but find comfort in the inner knowing that it will be better than what I am faced with at this present point in time. So I'm going to keep moving forward and keep embracing the revelations that come to me in this fantastic journey of re-discovering who I really am.

Decommited

 Initially I had mentioned that I wanted to write for thirty consecutive days, then amended that to state I would write thirty times...and maybe it would be in a row. Bottom line is that I just don't have the time or self discipline to commit to that, not right now anyway. So I'm going to give myself a break and do the best I can with the time I have.

Which means I will do my very bestest, to write at least once a week and if time allows more.

But on to the good news, I dropped another pound. Which is awesome, but of course it's not enough. I still want massive drops each week. When I get frustrated I visualize what a pound of butter looks like and know that I'm glad I dropped one of them, because all in all a pound is a pound, better to have lost then to have gained. I'm still eating according to the low-carb lifestyle. For any given day I consume approximately 20 grams of carbs, of which come mainly from veggies and such. I am still hitting the gym 4-5 days a week and my clothes...

They are begining to fit better.

I have been trying to decipher they relationship I have with food and why it is has been so self destructive throughout the years, haven't found an answer quite yet, but when I do, I will definitely write about it. Well I am rambling and not about anything so grand, so I'll leave it at that.

The Weigh In.

So I am down a total of 12 lbs. since I started this way of eating 5 1/2 weeks ago (May 3rd to be exact). I am finally...FINALLY, back in a regular clothing size. HUGE sigh of relief there! I feel as though there is really a light at the end of the tunnel...the fat tunnel that is.

I actually just bought a shirt at a store tonight, without having to try it on, what a freedom that is, especially when I got home and not only did it fit, but it looked good. So this is where I am at...positive and feeling good, but I was struck with an odd sensation the other day which has slowly enveloped my whole being.

Cravings...serious ones.

Sugar, starch; you name it! Which is so crazy since that hasn't occurred at all since starting this. The only thing I can attribute it to, is as loony as it may seem is the forthcoming Full Moon. I know that seems a bit off center, but every month as the moon swells to her full size in the night sky, I go through crazy carbohydrate cravings, which in the past I have indulged in. But for now I have not, nor do I plan on falling prey to them.

I have more to share especially changes I have made to my workout routine and such, but this is really all the time I have for now!!

Hasta la pasta!!!