When in Doubt

I have been clean and in the process of recovery for close to three years now. Who I am today resembles very little of who I was when I first made the decision to find a new way to live; yet there are the aspects of my emotional character formed during my active addiction, that still exist within me today as tendencies that have the capacity to flare up when faced with an emotional tidal wave.

My experience within the realm of personal recovery has allowed me a unique opportunity to discover who I am at the core of my being permitting me to realize that the choice of who I want to be at any given moment is solely my responsibility.

But still after all this time, I still become doubtful.

Fearful.
Uncertain.
Confused.

I understand that life in moments will present me with the opportunity to change and redefine the current circumstances that are before me, most often occurring in moments of doubt. When the unexpected gray storms of life bear down into my experience resulting in an explosive moment, in which I find myself fully and completely face to face with who I used to be.

Change is a process that is constantly occurring and my responsibility in it’s process is to decide which way I will change; For the better or for the worse.

There are times when I take steps forward and embrace the aspects of change that allow me to be a better person, but there are also time when I consciously decide to take several steps backwards; allowing the limitations of my past to reveal themselves in the present moment in time. But which still ultimately allow me to surrender another level of who I am and who I have been, so that I can again choose who I want to be.

There are many layers delicately weaved through the whole of who I am; some are courser, filled with tangles and knots, making them more of a challenge to unravel. But as each new experience, each new awareness, each new realization comes before me, I find myself strangely empowered and capable of surrendering a part of myself that has offered me nothing more then the same it always has.

I become more then I believed possible, releasing those tiny sparks of hope that were the very same flickers of light that led me to the process of recovery…

That led me to the path.
That led me to the journey.
That led me to the person I am.

That within every struggle, challenge, achievement, success or moment of doubt allows me to define who I want to be. From the darkness of the storms of life, I am able to choose from the rainbow of possibilities the person I am and the life I want to live.

Unique Sporting Goods

Wanna hear something awesome? I want to tell you about a cool street skating combination of board and skates. It is unlike any other skateboard or skating experience I’ve ever heard of. The Xlider provides an outstanding aerobic exercise for the rider. Due to the lateral movement made when riding, leg and abdominal muscles are strengthened and hips and waist regions are toned to the max. You can find it at this sporting goods store. They also make these cool lace locks.

Mental Sketches

I remember a time before the prominent ideas and beliefs that have shaped the life I have lived were not present.

Before any seeds of ideas would grow into my own.
Before any beliefs became firmly planted in my mind.
Before the limitations of others became the very experience of my life.

Somewhere in the span of time between then and now I find that the power I had within me as a child is something that has been pushed down into the deepest parts of my being, patiently waiting for the point in time when I would recognize this aspect of myself again.

When I would start embracing the power of believing again..

The many concepts that composed my beliefs became weakened from the weight of inconsistencies they had been built upon. This foundation of my life eventually crumbling into a million shards of half truths and lies allowing me the ultimate opportunity to free myself from the chaos and confusion that had grown into a self made prison

Into the deepest, darkest corners of my being I traveled to discover all I held to be true offered no validity in relation to life I was living. I became willing to fully and completely let go of the aspects of myself that had served only to keep me trapped in a life of limitations. I took accountability for the role I would play within my life, I took responsibility for the person I had been, was and….

I found the courage to be the woman I am today..

Read more of this post......